Friday, 30 November 2007
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
I had a kebab last night(the same place as usual), and it was very nice. When I got up this morning, all was fine. I had my breakfast,then at 10ish my usual mug of coffee.
Dad took me to the pub at lunch. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable half-way through the 1st pint, you know,a rumbling belly. I realised I wasn't going to finish the drink safetly so I rang Dad up to come and get me as I didn't want any embarrassing mishaps in the bar. I have been drinking water all day, and feel a little better now,but not perfect.
I will see what tomorrow brings............
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Long one this, but worth it!!
This got the whole of Sydney laughing.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many people DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show.
The DJ's play a game where they award great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is asked to give the name of their partner with phone number. I their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both get a prize.
The Harbour City fell apart at this, read on.
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you heard of 'Mate Match'?'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know the prize, if you win is a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only please.'
DJ: Are you married?'
DJ: Thanks, now I need your wifes first name.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work?'
Brian: She'll kill me for this.'
DJ: 'Stay with me, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: Ok, first question- when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.'
DJ: 'Question #2- How long did it last?'
Brian: About 10 minutes.'
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that otherwise.'
Brian: Yeah, the trip would be good.'
DJ: Ok, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o' clock this morning?'
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummmm, I well.....'
DJ: 'This sounds good, where was it at?'
Brian: 'Her mum was in the shower, so it was on the kitchen table.'
DJ: Atta boy!'
Okay folks, I'll put Brian on hold and get Sara on the phone.
DJ: 'Hello, is that Sara?'
Sara: 'Yes, who's speaking?'
DJ: 'Sara, thi is Ed from FOX-FM. We are live on air and i've been talking to Brian for a while now.'
Sara: (laughing) 'A while?'
DJ: 'Yes, a while. He is on the line with us. He knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sara:(laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer the questions honestly,ok? Be completely honest.'
DJ: Alright, when did you last have sex?'
Sara: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning, about 8.'
DJ: 'Good, next question. How long did it last?'
Sara: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmmmm. That's close enough. One last question, get it right and it's the Gold Coast for you both.
DJ: Where did you have it?'
Sara: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him the truth honey.'
DJ: 'Come on Sara.....where did you have it?'
Sara:'Up the arse........'
They called an ambulance for the DJ, and traffic accidents rose by 40%!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
We had an autopsy in the pub today. (or was it a post mortem)?
What is wrong with our football team? Everybody was blaming the manager, and admittingly he did make a couple of selection and strategical errors last night, but in the end it is down to the players. Once the game starts the manager has minimal input until half-time,or substitutions arise, whichever comes first.
Players who must be/are good at their trade, command astranomical wages, should,as a team be able to adapt to the oppositions game plan and play accordingly. But no. What we saw was an abject lack of on-field leadership. The captain was useless. The rest of them were useless.
Verdict: Sporting suicide.
Roll on the Motorbike racing!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
This is getting harder, as the jokes I've been getting lately are, let's say risque. But here goes, and if you are offended........Sorry (ish).
Little boy having bathtime with mum says, "What's that hairy thing?" Mum says, "It's my sponge."
"Oh, yeah, Auntie Kim has one too, I've seen her washing Dads' face with it."
What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
Black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, 19 November 2007
I have been somewhat lax with my posting of late. I apologise for not filling you with mirth/woe.(Depends how you read it). The reason is HTML. I am trying my best, as Mr.Farty will testify. I have been getting some serious help from Farty, and I thank him from the
heart of my bottom bottom of my heart. But, to date, it appears I am thick.(Keith,If you say a word, I will get one of the lads to shove a fully laden sprout stalk where the sun doesn't shine).
I will conquer this ineptitude eventually, but it will take time.
There will be a joke Tuesday, but then the serious stuff starts! Farty, beware, the e-mails could increase.
See you all on Wednesday!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
I've just been watching the news. They were going on about the new Eurostar rail-link from St. Pancras. A marvellous piece of work, and long overdue, but what puzzles me is the statements on the news, and in the press, that; "Europe just got closer".
How can this be? Who moved, us or them?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Everyday, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
One day, Camilla decided she wanted to accompany her husband on his daily jog.
As they neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd shout her usual £150 offer, and Camilla would wonder what he'd been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged past he averted his eyes from the hooker.
Then, from the corner, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for £5 you tight bastard?!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, 12 November 2007
Right! This blog of mine doesn't often go along the political tack, but this made my blood boil.
We, the taxpayer, are funding two completely pointless wars, Iraq and Afghanistan, to the tune of billions of pounds. Niether will be won, and only succeed in increasing the threat of Islamic terrorism.
In OUR country, along the coastline, especially East Anglia where coastal defences are an absolute necessity our government has decided to stop building the defences and let the sea claim the land. This at the price of coastal communities, who will lose everything, and have to be re-located because protecting them is deemed not cost-effective!!
I know where I'd rather the money go!!
That is all.
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Now, everyone who has read this Blog knows my incapability to understand HTML. I'd be better off trying to learn Mandarin. But, I have spent the last 3 hours on my other blog(the practice one), trying my hardest. I'm reading the book Keith gave me, 'HTML in easy steps', yeah, righto! I didn't realise I was SOOOOO thick, but I don't know where to start. It's just gobbly-de-gook to me! I tried Brom, his site looked really good, but no, not a f*cking clue!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Thursday, 8 November 2007
I think we may have a replacement for Trigger.
Our lovely landlady Di, it seems is prone to a few 'blonde' moments.
Yesterday she was shopping at the local Aldi store. She stopped along an aisle, looking at various things, loaded some stuff into the trolley, and set off around the store. Only it wasn't her trolley she was loading up! Somehow she managed to find her trolley and unload her shopping without the other person noticing!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
This. I'm afraid, has to be said. No doubt some of my lady
fans readers will find this highly amusing!
Elderly couple are at the doctors, the husband, a little hard of hearing is asked by the doctor for a stool , semen and urine sample. He turns to his wife, and says, "What does he want?"
The wife replies....
"He wants your f*cking underpants!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
OK,I'm bored. Dad is watching The Hunt for Red October for the 1000th time(I jest not). It's a great film, but...........!
So, I did a bit of research and came up with this for you. No Google cheating allowed.
JAMES BOND. I give you the film title, you tell me who sang the theme song.
2. From Russia with love.
5. You only live twice.
6. Diamonds are forever.
7. Live and let die.
8. The Man with the Golden Gun.
9. The Spy who loved me.
10. For your eyes only.
11. A view to a kill.
12. The living daylights.
13. License to kill.
15. Tomorrow never dies.
16. The world is not enough.
17. Die another day.
18. On her Majesty's secret service.
19. Dr. No.
All the best. NO cheating now!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 03, 2007
2. Led Zeppelin.....Whole lotta love
3. Pink Floyd....Shine on you crazy diamond
5. Queen.....Seven seas of Rhye
6. Sade..... Smooth operator
7. Simple Minds.....Don't you (forget about me)
8. Madonna....La isla bonita
9. The Eagles....Lyin' Eyes
10. Duran, Duran.....Rio
11. Sex Pistols......Anarchy in the UK
12. Paul Young........Every time you go away
13. Police........Message in a bottle
14. Dire Straits.......Sultans of swing
15. Duran, Duran.....Union of the snake
And the winner is..........HC and Kev, with 13. Congrats!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 03, 2007
Friday, 2 November 2007
This, is obviously a ground floor shot. Normally, at this time of year all the leaves are down, and Dad gets his sweeping-up head on. Makes great compost!
I don't know why the house roofs look so blue though. Any tips?
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, November 02, 2007
Thursday, 1 November 2007
Still no Trigger, I don't know who, if anyone has upset him, but it's been impossible to since i've known him.
Anyway, Di, the boss lady has this Pekenese (a canine push-me-pull-you), and the other day it was upstairs with her. She was on the phone, when a movement caught her eye. Her pillow was meandering across the bed! She called Jez(boss man) up to see what was happening. Charlie, the Peke had crawled inside the pillow cover, and unable to get out, carried on walking. The edge of the bed loomed just as Jez caught him.
And they didn't video it!!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 01, 2007