Saturday, 31 October 2009
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Subject: Camilla's new shoes
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, " Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder! " yelled Camilla, " Harder "
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight! "
"Come on! Give it all you've got! " she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, " There! Oh, God, that feels so good! "
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
" Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter! "
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral! "
With thanks to the gorgeous Zoe!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
It was my friend Malcolm's funeral today. I didn't attend, as wheelchairs and churches don't mix. I was in the pub for the wake. The place was packed, and I had a chance to talk with his family.
Di, put on a beautiful spread, and many fond memories were recalled. He is now buried along side a rogues gallery of past locals in the MERRIE MONK!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the
shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my
car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which
made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic
starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those
are my emergency FLASHERS!'
Thanks to WILEYKAT!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . .. .
being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Thanks to Mum2 (Pat).
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, 12 October 2009
One of my good friends passed away yesterday. The victim of the dreaded cancer.His wife e-mailed me with the news and said it was a blessing as the pain,operations and associated crap he'd been through, it was amazing he lasted so long.
Malcolm was a fighter in the true sense of the word. He suffered no fools, but suffered a lot with dignity and humour.
My condolences go out to all his family!
I will miss you Malc, R.I.P my friend
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says,
'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating..'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's been drinking.'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Monday, 5 October 2009
Di, our everso lovely
soaker landlady is not very well. She is feeling a bit 'icky'. Jez is away visiting his father.
I play poker on Facebook, as does Di and Jez, but what is a little disconcerting is that Di keeps telling me she tried to jump on me all last night!
Don't get me wrong, Di is a lovely person, but I don't think the wheelchair would take it!
The trouble is, is that Di wants to trash me at poker, but can't get on the same table. I might resolve that tonight. We'll see!
Maybe I could jump on her?! What say you?
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, October 05, 2009