Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Thanks to Beccy for this!
Wine and Water
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Boy, do we have a landlady and a half in this pub!
Di,as with most women I know have a somewhat limited sense of direction (ducks and shuts ears). My late mother was a prime case. A map upside-down reader. This had its downsides as East/West became distorted.
Di our everso lovely
soaker landlady went out with a few friends a while ago for an Indian. She needed the loo, which was upstairs. Once finished she emerged from said loo, went through a door and ended up on the flat roof! Lost! It wasn't until her mate came up that they found her!
There was some wine involved!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
How can a Wife really explain this one ???
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and large.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
Send this to your good friends and let them have a laugh or else you'll have a bad sex life forever!!!
Thanks to Lorna-Jane, my youngest cousin. xx
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
I think pregnancy is affecting ASBO's (Charlie's) mind. If I can't do the cryptic crossword in the Daily Telegraph, I copy it and take it to the pub so my mate can help with it.
After we had done the cryptic, I gave the copy to ASBO so she could try the "quick" crossword. This isn't always easy. Before I left she asked me if I could bring "yesterdays answers in tomorrow"?
Is it me, but why does she need this?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
*A Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, 'Get
your ass over here! What's your name?" *
*"Paul," the new recruit replied. *
*"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bullshit they're
teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name,"
the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names
only --Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.'
Do I make myself clear?" *
*"Yes sir, Sergeant!" *
*"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" *
*The recruit sighed, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling." *
*"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ....." *
Thanks to Wendy xx
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 01, 2009