Friday, 27 April 2012
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
This is my first attempt to post using the new blogger system. I must admit, that, on first impressions yesterday, I was not impressed.
When I tried to copy and paste my joke onto the screen yesterday, it automatically re-formatted the text. So, there were no paragraphs! So much for copy!
This is a test run, without pictures,(I haven't tried that yet!)
I reverted to the old system yesterday, but apparently they are turning that off at the end of the month, so, practice!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.
He really, really has to go, after all those beers.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her
man's temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what
to do. Every time my man comes home
drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for
that. When he comes home drunk, just take
a glass of water and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but
don't swallow it until he goes to
bed and is asleep.
Two weeks later the woman comes back
to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a
brilliant idea! Every time he came
home drunk, I swished with
water I swished and swished,
and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?
The Doctor says: "The water does
Buggar All - it's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick.
Ok, ladies, i'm off!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Friday, 13 April 2012
This place never ceases to amaze me! Today was packed! People were actually sat around, waiting for tables. Eighty-seven lunches in two mad hours!
Paul held the Annual Grand National sweepstake today. I pulled a 100/1 shot out, my dad, a 150/1 shot. We are not holding our breath!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Aaahh, Spring has sprung, the grass is ris, I wonder where the boidies is!
The plants are bursting into life. Here is a little snapshot of our garden, taken today.
I managed to catch the sun on the Amalancia against a dark sky.
I took this through the conservatory window. Camelia.
The Japanese flowering cherry. The best we've seen it in 40 years!
Magnolia "Susan", nearly fully out.
The big Magnolia, recovered after the frost hit it.
New Rhododenderon, planted last year.
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Find out what men really mean when they say...
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Thanks to my friend KB
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Thursday, 5 April 2012
I've just done my first grocery shop on-line! Dad, although seemingly recovered from his episode last Saturday, is struggling carting the heavier objects, such as my lager and his whisky around, so I've opened accounts at Tesco and Waitrose. The first delivery is tomorrow!
As an aside;Dad went into our out-house, where the new fridge and freezer live to get some things from the fridge. He had his hands full, so, he put the egg for his breakfast in his pocket. Once in the kitchen he forgot about the egg.............you know what happened next!
Clean trowsers needed!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, April 05, 2012
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 03, 2012