PubLog

Birthday boy!

2012-01-28T15:18:00.000Z

It's the big one!!

Does this make me old?

Pub news.

2012-01-27T19:20:00.002Z

Busy, busy in here this lunchtime. Tonight will be packed. The local shoots' end of season meal. Sixty of them! There are also twenty booked into the back room.

Just as an extra bonus, I found this on one of my friends Facebook site.

Joke Tuesday.

2012-01-24T15:29:00.000Z

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Pub news.

2012-01-19T17:24:00.003Z

Quiet-ish yesterday lunch, but, today, packed! Fifty-Four meals in two hours. People were waiting for tables. You don't know what's going to happen in this trade.

Come and visit if you're nearby, you won't regret it,(apart from meeting the 'Chairman', that is!)

General drivel.

2012-01-18T17:03:00.003Z

I reported on December 22nd that, after much ~~tightness~~ frugality over Christmas, the freezer packed in. Well, today the fridge has come out in sympathy and it packed in last night! Another £150.00 gone!

Is it worth being ~~tight~~ frugal?

Oh, by the way, I've just recieved my new snazzy little camera, a Canon IXUS 230 hs. I can use this one myself!! I gave the big Nikon to my sister.

Joke Tuesday.

2012-01-16T17:11:00.001Z

The Wit Of The Scots

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.

So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I am that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that ye have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that ye have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that Ye have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Upset blogger.

2012-01-16T15:45:00.003Z

I lost a good friend today. Her ex-husband popped in to tell me of her passing.

Caroline was a great laugh, and the only person to be in every class at school with me, from 1973 to 1979. I will miss her, although over the last few years she didn't recognise anyone. MS is horrible! Forty nine is no age!

R.I.P MY FRIEND.

General drivel.

2012-01-12T17:43:00.004Z

I am annoyed (and I bet i'm not the only one)!

I had an appointment at the doctors this afternoon at 4.30. Nothing serious, just a review of the pills I am taking to combat the Acid Reflux I suffer from. We duly arrived at 4.25, and took our seats. Bear in mind my Dad was with me. At 5.30 we walked out and made another appointment, with three people still in front of me!

My patience levels aren't good at the best of times, but there were two reasons for my ire. Firstly, Dad is making a lamb casserole for dinner, which he usually times to be ready at 6.00pm. This won't be ready until 7.30pm. Secondly, I have an important meeting with my financial adviser at 7.45. Right in the middle of dinner!!

Why can't doctors space their appoinment times out a bit more?

What say you?!

Joke Tuesday.

2012-01-10T15:21:00.000Z

Pub news.

2012-01-09T18:51:00.004Z

The 'Chairman' has excelled himself today. Pat, who has been absent for the last few days was in today.

The 'Chairman', "Pat, i'll bring you up to speed on what you've missed." Pat, "What's that then?"

"I've bought a new toilet seat! It's beech and really comfy. I can't wait to try it for real!"

Pat,"Have you missed your medication, or overdosed?

This place gets worse! But I like it!

Pub news.

2012-01-07T15:31:00.005Z

As you know,Scot and his dog, Titch are regulars in the pub.

Titch gets very cold during the winter and shivers a lot. So, when he took her up to Scotland to see his family, he bought her this!

This coat comes with a fur-lined hood! She loves it!

Pub news.

2012-01-06T17:54:00.002Z

Post Christmas trade is usually slow, but this year seems to have bucked the trend. Today started off quietly. Only a couple in for lunch, four of us drinking. Then the floodgates opened about 1pm. I think they must have done over 20 meals by 2pm, when they finish....and there are 45 in tonight for the shooting clubs' xmas dinner/p*ss-up!

Joke Tuesday.

2012-01-03T15:20:00.001Z

DON'T GROAN

THE BELL RINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
Sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

( scroll down )

BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
Rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!'

Tales of a Christmas past!

2011-12-30T17:37:00.003Z

It's OVER! Yippee!

For the record, the pub did about 350 turkey dinners on the run-up to Christmas, and that's without the hundreds of other meals! It has been a lively festive period this year. Trade has been pretty good on the lunchtimes i've been in,(which is all bar one!), and I know Christmas day was packed!

On the home front things have been the same as usual. We went over to my sisters on Christmas day, for lunch and wine! Sis got pissed! I had one over the eight, and had a great time! I went to the pub on Boxing Day and Dad went to my sisters after he had picked me up at 3.00. When he came home he was carrying a full roast lamb dinner that sis had plated up for me, lovely! We are over there on New Years day for lunch, as the pub is shut all day. It's Pauls day off with his family.

So, another year nearly gone, and who-knows-what on the horizon. I hope whatever comes your way is pleasant!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-12-27T15:19:00.001Z

Subject: FW: Older Women

I'll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’.
We went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

General drivel. (priceless 2)

2011-12-23T17:22:00.003Z

A letter, published in todays Daily Telegraph brought a big smile to my face. The young lad has obviously grasped the seriousness of the financial crisis, but has not been told the whole truth about Christmas!

It went as follows...Sir. My eight year old son said to me today, "Dad, don't worry about the expensive presents I want this year, I've put them on my list to Santa, as he doesn't have to pay for them."

What course of action should I take for such a generous offer?

General drivel.

2011-12-22T16:57:00.003Z

Can't you tell it's Christmas? All the outgoings associated with the festive season,(£6.99 for me, £12.00 for Dad, and, £30.00 as a joint spend)! And, just as we'd thought how ~~tight~~ frugal we had been, the freezer packs up!! Well, not entirely. We've had to put it on 'fast freeze', but that won't last forever, so, it's a new freezer for us!

Ho, hum. So much for being frugal!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-12-20T15:09:00.001Z

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Pub news.

2011-12-17T15:37:00.002Z

As I reported yesterday, the pub was getting busy. Well, 102 booked in today! Plus walk-ins.

An awful lot of people must like Turkey!!

Pub news.

2011-12-16T17:06:00.003Z

As Christmas approaches, the pub gets busier. It was a pretty good lunchtime and this afternoon the local shooting party are in.

There are also 64 Christmas dinners booked in tonight! Don't people get fed up with turkey?

Madness!

2011-12-14T18:37:00.006Z

Politically correct lunacy!

Cambridge University is advising its academics to avoid proffering their hand in greeting to Muslims and the disabled in the event that it offends them.

Please tell me, as a cripple, that it is not just me who thinks this is stupidity in the extreme!

Joke Tuesday. (priceless)

2011-12-13T15:30:00.000Z

That explains it then!

A question for you.

2011-12-08T15:25:00.000Z

The 'Chairman', who has his own engineering unit was asked to make an implement for 'Waterboard Mick', and 'Roger the gas'.

The question is....what is it?

The closed position, beautifully modelled by the 'Beer monster'.

The open position.

Pub news.

2011-12-07T16:52:00.008Z

The Festive decorations have gone up. Paul and Kellie do minimalist, but tasteful Xmas decorations, rather than gaudy tinsel and lights everywhere. I think they look very nice.

This is the bar area. Please note that the 'Chairman'(right), and the 'Beer monster'(left), are NOT part of the decorations, but fixtures and fittings!

This is the dining area, by the fireplace.

Christmas dinners start early

Another angle.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-12-06T15:47:00.000Z

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me..............how's your day going?"

General drivel.

2011-12-05T17:10:00.004Z

The festive season is almost upon us. As regular readers of this drivel will know, my father and me are not fans. Christmas is for kids. We do, however, look forward to two things.The first thing is the arrival of the first card, because we know who it is from and is always rude, but funny. We have known Janet for 38 years and she never lets us down. December 5th every year!

Here is this years offering.

The second thing we look forward to, is Christmas Day dinner ay my sisters house. Always a great meal, and always a good laugh. We supply the wine, they (BIL) cook!

General drivel.

2011-12-02T17:10:00.020Z

I found this web site the other day.

ALLZIPPEDUP

They do easy-to-fit duvet covers. A full zip around three sides of the cover. Just unzip it, lay your quilt on it, and zip it up! No more thrashing around, swearing, and, in the case of my 82 year old Dad, getting out of breath!

"The best thing since sliced bread", was his verdict.

They aren't cheap at £49.99 for a double size with two matching pillow covers, but make up for that by making life easy! Fully washable and good quality, it took my Dad two minutes to change the duvet cover!

General drivel.

2011-12-01T17:11:00.005Z

Jeremy Clarkson has caused more controversy by saying, last night on the BBC's 'The One Show', that the striking civil servants should be "taken out and shot in front of their families". Apparently nearly 5,000 people complained to the BBC, and the Unison union is taking legal advice with regard to suing him for inciting violence.

I suggest that the people who complained, and the union GET A LIFE!

Everyone knows what Clarkson is like. He breathes controversy. It's the way he gets publicity, and as anybody with a smattering of a sense of humour will know.......HE WAS ONLY JOKING!!!

If, however, you were insulted, TOUGH! Get over it!

Pub news.

2011-11-30T17:08:00.007Z

It was packed in the pub again. But, as Mondays' crowd were all pre-booked, this appeared to be off the cuff, so to speak.

Last Wednesday, Paul, the landlord went shooting and the pub was packed. Today, he was on the shoot, albeit beating and the pub was packed. Does Paul going out for the day, and the pub being packed seem coincidental, or is it the "Chairmans'" mischievous mind!? I actually suspect the latter, but I will continue to monitor the situation as the shooting season progresses.

In other news, Kellie, Pauls wife started putting up the Christmas decorations today. Photos of the decorated pub to follow.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-11-29T15:48:00.000Z

Simple home remedies that work

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: THESE REALLY WORK!!

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

Pub news.

2011-11-28T17:11:00.003Z

I arrived at the pub at opening time to find the dining area packed. I checked my watch. Yep 12 noon. "When did this lot get here?" I asked Paul. "11.20", he replied.

Apparently they had booked their meals in advance.

The group were on a walking trip and consisted of sprightly pensioners, and they needed to be, as the route they took is a 3 mile round trip with two hefty hills involved!

They left at about one o'clock, only to be followed in by 15 older pensioners, some well into their eighties. They, too, had a good meal. The power of the silver pound!

Bonkers EU!

2011-11-27T17:34:00.003Z

Now, i'm no musician, nor am I a scientist. But, I am in possession of more than a modicum of common sense, which is more than can be said for those lunatics in the EU that run the asylum (and our Government).

The latest nutty rule emanating from this nuthouse is that string instruments cannot be made with strings made from the gut from beef cattle. This is to ensure that cattle infected with BSE cannot enter the food chain!

When did you last hear of anyone chewing on a violin string?

The other side to this is the amount of firms that will go to the wall in Europe and the UK because of some loonies in Brussels!

IT'S TIME WE GOT OUT!!!

That made me feel better!

Apologies.

2011-11-26T20:12:00.003Z

I have just spent nearly three days trawling back through my old posts. This version, the publog2 started on the 21st Feb 2007, so, I am coming up to five years of utter drivel, interspersed with a joke each Tuesday.

What I did notice during my trip back in time, was; (a) My posts have become fewer, and (b) The numbers of readers has dropped. This could be explained by two factors. (1) I've become boring, or (2), my subject matter has been mostly centred around the pub and jokes.

I did notice a lot more general content in previous posts. I must start that again!

Some of you will recognize this. I painted this 32 years ago!

Opinons.

2011-11-25T15:49:00.002Z

I'm thinking about buying a Kindle, as it's the only way I could read books. Is it easy to use, and how much are the books?

Comments would be most appreciated.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-11-22T15:33:00.000Z

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on..........

Family stuff.

2011-11-16T17:32:00.003Z

My youngest cousin and her husband came down to visit today with their daughter, Faye-Nicole. Aged 17 months, she is a bundle of joy.

Lorna-Jane, you and Glen have a beautiful daughter!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-11-14T17:33:00.004Z

On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK,
addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

General drivel.

2011-11-13T16:10:00.004Z

As you all know, I am not a cat fan. This post is for two of my good bloggy friends, KB,and Mickle in NZ.

A good friend of mine in the pub sent me this.

Her Bengal Cheetah kitten got rebuked by mother and went into sulk mode and watched the telly!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-11-08T15:34:00.000Z

My son told me - Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.
I told him - No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one !!!
He asked me - Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !

I told him - It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me - Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?

And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...

and I thought ...
a Cartoon Character ... is probably not so bad!

Garden news.

2011-11-07T15:59:00.004Z

November is here. Last year on November 1st the Cherry tree was turning, this year is much the same. Dad will have the brush out soon!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-10-30T20:47:00.002Z

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

Thanks KB.

Pub news. World record attempt!

2011-10-30T15:59:00.002Z

I think we have achieved a world record!

Today was like A and E in the local hospital.

I shall run through the casualties.

Me, the original cripple, 1 crutch, 1 wheelchair. The Wing Commander, 2 crutches, broken ankle. The Poacher, 2 crutches, achilles tendon. Simon, 2 crutches, M.S.

So, we have 7 crutches and 1 wheelchair, all within a 14' by 8' space!

Oh, I forgot Rab.C Nesbit, with the bad arm!

Impressive or what?

Joke Tuesday.

2011-10-25T15:23:00.001+01:00

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder,
warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join
him
in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition,because we could end up with a dangling
participle.

Pub news.

2011-10-22T20:43:00.007+01:00

The mad Scotsman is continuing to torment me. His hand is still heavily bandaged, but he isn't looking for sympathy,as he knows none will be forthcoming!

I have decided to give him a nickname. From now on he shall be known as Rab.

Most of you will recognise this character from the 80's sitcom, Rab.C Nesbit. A hard drinking, heavy smoking Glaswegian reprobate.

Hello,Scotty! Welcome to your new moniker!

Pub news.

2011-10-19T21:29:00.004+01:00

I am pleased to announce that Scott, the mad Scotsman is out of hospital. The operation appears to have been a success. He has got a 3 month recovery schedule, by when, he should be able to use his left hand again. More torment for me! *sigh*.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-10-18T15:46:00.000+01:00

Pub news.

2011-10-16T18:14:00.006+01:00

Titch finishing her bowl of guiness!

On a more serious note, Titchs' owner, Scott, the mad Scotsman is going into hospital tomorrow for an operation to repair his hand.

I wish him well, at least i'll have a day off from him tormenting me!

Pub news.

2011-10-13T17:07:00.002+01:00

I arrived with my hop-along mate at 12-00 noon, as usual. I'd noticed a smallish coach in the car park as we pulled up, and remembered that Paul had a party of 20 booked in.

As we walked/hopped in the first thing we noticed was the noise! Twenty women on an Age Concern outing can make a formidable row.

They were soon fed and watered and left fully sated. Add them to the other dozen or so meals and it was a busy lunchtime.

The 2 for 1 offer certainly works!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-10-11T15:33:00.000+01:00

Medical Term

Irish Definition

Artery
-
The study of paintings

Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die

Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty

Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her

Colic
-
A sheep dog

Coma
-
A punctuation mark

Dilate
-
To live long

Enema
-
Not a friend

Fester
-
Quicker than someone else

Fibula
-
A small lie

Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane

Morbid
-
A higher offer

Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days

Node
-
I knew it

Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted

Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
-
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
-
Nearly killed him

Secretion
-
Hiding something

Seizure
-
Roman Emperor

Tablet
-
A small table

Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport

Tumour
-
One plus one more

Urine
-
Opposite of you're out

Pub News.

2011-10-06T15:30:00.003+01:00

As you know, apart from my wheelchair, I use a crutch to get around. Last Tuesday I got a text from my mate(the beer-monster), who had broken his ankle, asking for a lift to the pub. He is on two crutches, I use one.

Then today, the pair of us were in the pub when the usual Thursday mob came in. One of the lads has M.S.,and uses two crutches, so, briefly there were more crutches than customers in the pub. The landlord said it was like a doctors waiting room!

The other locals who came in were kept busy passing us fresh pints! They are a great bunch!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-10-04T15:36:00.002+01:00

Paddy buys a chainsaw, which guarantees to cut down 40 trees an hour.

Paddy sets to work but only manages 4 trees in the hour. Paddy takes it back to the shop and tells the owner that it only cut 4 trees down in the hour.

With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks at him and says.......

"What the f*cks's that noise!"

Joke Tuesday.

2011-09-27T15:23:00.000+01:00

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

You'll like this

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-09-20T15:30:00.000+01:00

This Was Voted Best Joke in Ireland!
------

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me
life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

General Drivel.

2011-09-18T17:08:00.003+01:00

I have had a few problems with the 'puter. I couldn't instal Windows upgrades, even though all is genuine,(honest).

I contacted Windows and was put through to a very polite and articulate Indian sounding man by the name of Frank Martin,(I kid you not). He ran through a few questions and said it was the AVG free edition I was running that had let some viruses in.

So, after tampering with my computer for 3 hours and me paying £100.00 for 2 years monthly clean up work and check my 'puter is flying! It may sound a lot, but it's put my mind at ease.

Oh, and I couldn't access my blog! After a few minutes checking round the tinternet I found that upgrading to Internet Explorer 9 cured it!

I also enjoyed a delicious Roast lamb and all the veg lunch from the pub! *burp*, pardon me.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-09-13T15:42:00.000+01:00

Don't fart in Harrods.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little 'woopsie', and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Thanks to Mickle in NZ.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-09-06T15:37:00.000+01:00

Here's a pub-themed joke for the weekend:

"Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone was under my bed at night.”

So I went to a shrink and told him I’ve got problems ....

‘Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

‘Eighty pounds per visit,' replied the doctor.’
'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later, I met the doctor on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty pounds a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new car!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.....'

“STAY AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS…

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!”

Thanks Dumdad!

Afternoon nap listening.

2011-09-02T17:15:00.002+01:00

I sort my e-mails out, then have a bit of respite from my wheelchair. I climb into the pine rocking chair in the conservatory and put some music on.

Glasses update.

2011-08-31T21:00:00.003+01:00

One week on.I think i'm getting used to them. The reading aspect is getting a lot easier,but the going down stairs is still disconcerting. I can't get used to looking down and everything going blurred!

Time will tell, i'm sure.

Truth Tuesday.

2011-08-30T15:24:00.000+01:00

I've finally,after years and years of blood and sweat,completed my new medicine cabinet!

Disease
Wine
Daily dose

Allergies
Chardonay de Paeuf
1 glass

Anemia
Graves
4 glass

Bronchitis
Bourgogne or Bordeaux
> ( + sugar and cinnamon )
3 cups

Constipation
Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray
4 glass

Coronary arteries
Dry Champagne
4 glass

Diarrhoea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glass

Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle

Heart
Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
Two glass

Uric acid gout
Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
4 glass

Hypertension
Alsace , Sancerre
4 glass

Menopause
Saint Emilion
4 glass

Depression
Rhine
4 glass

Obesity
Burgundy
4 glass

Obesity
Rose Provence
1 bottle

Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glass

Excessive weight loss
Chateau de Beaune
4 glass

General Drivel.

2011-08-24T19:09:00.002+01:00

I collected my new glasses today. These are the first pair of varifocals i've had, the previous pair being distance only. Aren't they weird at first? They will take some getting used to! It's the fact that looking down at one's feet whilst climbing or descending stairs the reading part of the lens is in view, thus blurred! Still, it's very early days so i'll persevere and keep you informed.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-08-23T15:20:00.001+01:00

Invest carefully:

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you
would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have
£33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you
would have received a £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a
year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?

General drivel.

2011-08-17T15:48:00.000+01:00

I've just been to have my eyes tested. I need new glasses. £345.00!

Apparently I now require reading glasses, so I have opted for varifocals.(I don't want to carry two pairs around with me.) I thought i was exempt from the eye test charge, due my disability.(I didn't pay last time!), but no, i am £25.00 lighter. The goalposts have been moved, unless you live in Scotland or Wales that is! Then it's free!

One of the criteria on the official form for a free test is if you are blind!

I'm speechless, but not surprised at this stupid country.

Joke Tuesday.(or not!)

2011-08-16T13:17:00.000+01:00

A DC 'airline ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, LA. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in! Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US & ARE IN POLITICS.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-08-09T15:28:00.000+01:00

From the American Association

Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

Pub news.

2011-08-06T15:30:00.002+01:00

The 'Chairman' came out with a beauty today!

"I was thinking about stringing a hammock up in the garden, but i'm a tree short. I may lay it on the ground to try it out first."

"You'll still fall out", I said.

NUT!

Pub news.

2011-08-04T17:34:00.002+01:00

This place runs like a well-oiled machine,(that's enough about the locals!)

Seriously though, today saw the usual Thursday lunchtime eaters in, plus 21 ramblers, who had pre-booked and pre-ordered their food. Ramblers is a good description, as they rambled on so much that you couldn't hear yourself think! Then the food came out and peace was restored. They departed, seemingly satisfied,(judging by the comments) no doubt to return. So well done to 'le chef' and 'Bobster', the waitress. Oh, and Paul!

Tomorrow we can get back to re-oiling the ~~locals~~ machine!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-08-02T15:40:00.001+01:00

I was in ectasy, with a smile on my face.

As my girlfriend moved backwards then forwards, then backwards, forwards then backwards, back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out.

Her heart was pounding, her face was getting flush and she started to groan.

Then she let out an almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this f*cking car! You do it you smug b*stard!

Now, what were you thinking?

Pub news.

2011-07-31T17:54:00.003+01:00

The kids are on their summer holidays. Unfortunately for the resident mad Scotsman, Scot,(that is his name),the owner of 'Titch', it has been two days of misery and exercise. Paul, the landlords youngest son has one of these.

In the hands of this 8 year old sniper/terrorist, this is a lethal weapon of mass drenchings! Scot, who wont back away from anyone got chased around the outside of the pub by the water pistol bearing assassin.

Revenge was sweet, with bucket of water adding the coup de grace!

Pub news.

2011-07-29T17:14:00.004+01:00

I checked my wallet this morning. Their was a sufficient amount left to cover the lunchtime session.

Upon arriving at the pub, Paul, the ~~piss-taking~~ genial landlord brought my pint to my table. "I'll put that on yesterdays tab," he said, with a wry smile. No wonder there was plenty of dosh available, I'd innocently done a runner! In all fairness, he'd forgotten too and only realised when he couldn't shut the till down last night. At the end of my allotted time, I settled up, apologised and went home. I thought about the two-day bill and concluded......drink more!!!

I'm sure the 'Chairman' would agree. As would Paul!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-07-26T15:15:00.000+01:00

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched
TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed
too but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
>-----------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Husband's Diary:
A four putt !!!!!------ who takes four putts?!!!

Pub news.

2011-07-22T20:20:00.002+01:00

The 'Chairman' was on good form this lunchtime.

Two ladies came in for lunch, one of them with some form of disability, as she had one of those Zimmer frames on wheels to get around. Her friend went to find a table, whilst she came to the bar to order drinks. (The 'Chairman' was wearing an old St. Patricks day Guiness T-shirt, with 'BAR STAFF' on the back.) He offered to carry the ladies drinks to their table, as the disabled lady couldn't manage. On spotting the back of his T-shirt she asked how long had he worked here. "It's my first day, but I don't officially start until 6pm",he said.(It was 12-40pm, and he's on his second Guinness!)

After their meal, one of the waitresses bought their money to the bar. The 'Chairman' took the change back to them. As they left, he owned up to not being a staff member.(The woman was surprised.)He bade them a fond farewell and thanked them for eating in the Hollybush.

I think they will be back,if only to meet the nicest nut i've met in a long while!

Mr. 'Chairman', you are a star!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-07-19T15:20:00.001+01:00

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. 'The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Pub news.

2011-07-17T15:41:00.004+01:00

The 'Chairman's' suit fitting.

This is the best man.

The'Chairman'. Doesn't he scrub up well?

The wedding is in October,so,hopefully i'll have some photos for you.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-07-12T15:36:00.000+01:00

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever did make and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Ohhh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'I was so proud of myself and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So, that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
>
>
>
>
>'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

General drivel.

2011-07-11T15:25:00.002+01:00

This annoying little b*stard is called 'Thrips',or Thunderbug. It is currently irritating everyone I know. It doesn't bite or sting, it just walks on you and irritates the hell out of you.

What really gets me, is they're that small (1mm), that you can't see them coming!

I've tried an infusion of lager to put them off, but to no avail. Any suggestions?

Pub news.

2011-07-08T20:45:00.003+01:00

The "Chairman's" son gets married soon. The Chairman is understandably excited, although the wallet isn't! He has a suit measuring coming up, but this week, he proudly announced that he had bought some new socks and polished his shoes twice!

I eagerly await e-mails from the future Mother-in-law! Which rag they will be in remains to be seen!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-07-05T15:14:00.000+01:00

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

General drivel.

2011-06-29T17:16:00.004+01:00

I was rummaging through some paperwork relating to the accident I had 11 1/2 years ago, when I came across this article from The Leicester Mercury,(a local rag).This, according to the arboricultural report, is only half of it! Seventy feet tall they said.

No wonder I had a headache!

Click to read.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-06-28T17:15:00.000+01:00

Who Knew?

INTERESTING OBSERVATION:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

NOW ‘YOU’ KNOW !!!!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-06-21T15:23:00.000+01:00

My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, "Sunshine", did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog - I'm installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They're cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.

A photo of "Sunshine" is attached.

Pub news.

2011-06-16T15:37:00.002+01:00

The "Chairman" was on good form today. Paul, the landlord had popped upstairs when a lady came to the bar to place an order. As she stood there, waiting, the "Chairman! said,"He'll be back in a second, he's just gone upstairs to get the chef another bottle of gin."

"Ok", she replied.

Some people will believe anything!

Pub news.

2011-06-15T17:20:00.005+01:00

Today was manic in the pub. Forty-seven ~~old dodderers~~ OAPs in for lunch,(The Evergreen club). All food had been pre-ordered to give the chef half a chance and within 15/20 minutes of sitting down they were all eating!

Meanwhile, at the bar. The "Chairman" and unidentified friend(nice photo Paul!)

Pat, a picture of concentration. He didn't even notice the flash going off!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-06-14T15:28:00.001+01:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Thanks, KB!

Pub news.

2011-06-11T17:14:00.004+01:00

You've seen Titch before.

When you take a young lady out to mark her 18th birthday (3rd, in real terms), you expect to foot the bill and make sure she has a nice seat where she can enjoy a drink.

After a celebratory drink, it's time to relax.

No animal was harmed in the making of this post, although Titch's owner might feel rough tomorrow! Nice one Scott!

Pub news.

2011-06-09T16:55:00.003+01:00

I had a visit from Di this lunchtime,(we try to meet once a week). She goes on holiday to Majorca with her mother tomorrow. I have informed the Majorcan authorities!

She had some fancy nail thingys put on the other day in the local ~~dump~~ city. It was a nail salon she hadn't used before and,on entering, had a look round and spotted a woman doing nothing. She approached her and pushed her hand under the womans' nose and proceeded to explain what she required, but could she check her nail-base first. Five minutes later the woman said, "I don't work here, I'm waiting for mine to set".

After eventually having her nails done,Di leaves the salon. It starts pouring with rain(no brolly). Whilst gettig soaked, she is accosted by a man who thrusts a card under her nose trying to sell her insurance.As she tries to get rid of him,she is distracted and walks into a lamp-post! Relatively unhurt, but very wet and now embarrased, she toddles off home.

Maybe she should have taken the insurance!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-06-07T16:01:00.000+01:00

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope.

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Think you're fit?

2011-06-05T15:44:00.001+01:00

Apologies for the lyrics!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-05-31T15:15:00.000+01:00

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

General drivel.

2011-05-28T17:37:00.002+01:00

Nightmare!! Getting on to AOL took 3 hours today! I've tried Internet Explorer,(AOL not responding,or network unavailable),switching the whole lot off, so as to re-boot the router, then all of a sudden, i'm on-line! THREE hours!

My computer guru is coming over to take a look. I think it maybe the router.

Oh, and my printer is firing blanks, except when you print the test page!?

It never rains. I wish it would though, my garden is dying!

JokeTuesday.

2011-05-24T15:20:00.001+01:00

Don't Lie

After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.

As he enters the bar this gorgeous blonde calls him over. She says: "Instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night". He is dumbfounded but decides to go anyway.

After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . "O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go. It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this".

She says: "Don't worry it was just a one night stand".

As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.

As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says: "And where were you?!". He replies: "I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex". She says: "Let me see your hands"

He put out his hands and she says: "DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU WENT BOWLING!"

Garden news.

2011-05-19T17:13:00.005+01:00

Some of you may remember our heather beds in the back garden. Well, last winter finally killed them off. Thity-eight years isn't bad going! We decided to hire my mate Andy to remove the dead heather(it was too much for Dad). Dad and my sister went off to the garden centre and came back with eight Rhododendrons.

Some months later here is the result.

The other six suffered from the re-planting and their buds died, but they will flower next year.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-05-17T15:57:00.000+01:00

Did you hear about the three brothers who married women from different parts of the world.....

The first brother married a Filipino girl. He told her that as he worked hard all day she was to do all the dishes and the house cleaning. It took a couple of days for her to get on it but on the third day when he came home he could see a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second brother married a Thai girl. He gave her orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better and by the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table when he got home.

The third brother married a girl from Liverpool. He told her she had to keep the house clean, get the dishes and laundry washed, the lawn mowed and have hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, on the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He says he still has some difficulty when he passes water though.

Pub news.

2011-05-14T16:08:00.008+01:00

These photos show you the set-up that Paul needed. The racking was made by 'The Chairman', our resident ~~nutcase~~ engineer.

The main attraction!

The cider.

The final set-up.

This was filmed last night on a Blackberry. The quality isn't great, but it gives you an idea of the amount of people. There was the same amount again in the pub.

Thanks to 'Loud Dave' for the footage.

Pub news.

2011-05-10T16:28:00.005+01:00

Here is the official blurb for the beer festival this weekend.

Open all day, 12.00 'til 11.00.

Of the two bands performing, I have only heard of "Honey-Boy Hickling", as he is a friend of mine. They are a blues/jazz outfit(i'm sure if you google them, you will find them).

Click to read the beer list.

Joke Tuesday.

2011-05-10T16:10:00.001+01:00

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll stop her being bored.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

The Dyslexic Atheist...did not believe there was a dog...

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.
Time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a 30 minute lecture on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.

Pub news.

2011-05-07T16:02:00.000+01:00

I thought i'd do a little blog on the local canines that frequent the pub.

You will probably recognize the character below,(KB will). This is Jake, one of the dogs welcomed into the bar area.

This is "Titch", a 2 year old Jack Russell/Lakeland Terrier cross. She is a superstar!

This is Sam,a 19 month old Chocolate Labrador. Remarkably well behaved.

This is Alfie, the landlords dog. He is a four-legged exocet missile! Fully trained for the gun, except when he's let loose in the pub!

This is Boisey, a lovely Greyhound/lurcher. He has a wonderful temperament.

Go on, pick your favourite!

Pub news.

2011-05-04T15:34:00.002+01:00

It's a long while since laughing made tears stream down my face, but today a little old lady, combined with Paul, the landlord and the "chairman", this was achieved.

Here's how it went.

Little old lady approaches the bar to order some food.

"Cod and chips,but I want no more than four chips(this was said quite assertively) and mushy peas, please.

Paul,quick as a flash,"How many peas,three?

(Lady laughs), "A few more please."

The 'Chairman'sparks up,"you'll be ok, the chips are a foot long.

That finished me! The lady took it in great heart!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-05-03T16:22:00.002+01:00

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When asked why he had such a long password he said:

''I was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one
capital''

Garden news.

2011-05-01T17:34:00.009+01:00

May day and the Azaleas are in bloom. The first photo is in the back garden. This beauty is 6'high and 8' across! Click on to enlarge....but you knew that!

The other photos are all in the front garden.

I think they are in fine form this year!

Joke Tuesday.

2011-04-26T15:32:00.003+01:00

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'