Joke Tuesday.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK"?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL.

Pub/Home news.

Busy, busy in the pub last week!

Home wise, it's been up and down. The *up* is the Dad got a new driving license for another 3 years! That takes him to 87!!

The *down* is that my mobile stopped working. It's ok on the wi-fi in the pub, but the 3G has packed up.

I rang Vodafone and ordered a Nokia lumia 520, which duly arrived on Friday. What a load of crap it is! It runs Windows 8 , which doesn't get on with my old Android phone, so, I couldn't exchange my contacts from the old phone!

*Down* #2 is that Dad tried to take the back off it for me and broke the screen!!!!

I have to ring them up tomorrow to get a new phone and see what the repercussions are re-the new/old phone!

Joke Tuesday.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not able to get any at home, but that's no excuse аs I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Joke Tuesday.

Some of you will get this, some wont!

My golfing friends:

I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and in order to market the publication. I'm asking friends and to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my many years of experience

.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 4) When to Give the Greenkeeper the Finger.

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee.

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

and not forgetting...

Chapter 10) How to help your opponent find his ball when you are standing on it.

The book also includes some useful GOLF TERMINOLOGY.

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.

A Muldoon - very very nasty little 5 footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A Cuban - needs one more revolution.

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim.

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand.

A Kate Moss - bit thin.

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.

An elephant's arse - high and shitty.

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good.

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out! Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise......

Joke Tuesday.

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, David Cameron, George Osborne, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & Harriet Harman, Ed Miliband. ( in no particular order )

Amen.

Joke Tuesday.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

Joke Tuesday.

OATMEAL FOR BREAKFAST.

A TOUGH OLD CATTLEMAN FROM ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!

Joke Tuesday.

An Aussie lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Pub news.

A near full-house this lunchtime, and 72 booked in tonight for the end of season shoot's meal.

Things look good!

Home news.

It's coming up for another birthday!

I had a card delivered on Tuesday(a week early). I showed it to Dad and he said, "when's that, then" ?!!!!