Stitched up ?

The Poachers Dad recieved this through the post, personally addressed to him.
Ladies, I can forward the address if needed !!

Joke Tuesday: Natal Curry Contest!

This is 20 times longer than my usual posts, but is soooooo funny it will,at some stage make you laugh out loud!

If you have lived in Natal, apparently you will know about this.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

Judge#3(Frank) was an inexperienced food critic visitng from America, and had been invited by the other two judges (Natal Indians), to join the panel. The food wouldn't be too spicy, and besides the lager was free.

Here are the scorecards:

CURRY#1-SEELANS MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge#1-A little too much tomato. amusing kick.
Judge#2-Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge#3(Frank)-Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint with that. Took two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY#2- PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN...
Judge#1-Smoky, with a hint of chilli. Slight tang.
Judge#2-Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs boosting.
Frank - Keep this away from children. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! More lager.

CURRY#3- SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge#1- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge#2- A bit salty. Good use of chilli.
Frank - Call 911. I've located uranium pills. My nose feels like I've been snorting drain cleaner. Get me some beer before I ignite! I'm getting pissed.

CURRY#4- LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge#1- Meaty, strong curry. Very impressive.
Judge#2- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Frank - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off me, I cannot focus anymore. I farted and four people behind me needed medical treatment. It pisses me off as the other two judges tell me to stop screaming. Screw them. More beer.

CURRY#5- SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge#1- Mediocre.
Judge#2- Ho hum, tedious. (I should note that I am a little cocerned about Frank)
Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!

Curry#6- NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLER...
Judge#1- The perfect end. Not too bold.
Judge#2- A good finale. Well balanced. Sorry most of it was lost when Frank farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot on top of himself. I don't think he'll make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
Frank- No report.

Opticians

I think I need my eyes testing

Pub news.

The pub hasn't been the same without Trigger. We still don't know what's going on. One idiot, who has become something of a regular came in. Guesses in comments!

Nikki, who you have been acquainted with before has a horse called Larry(?). Anyway, she recently moved Larry(I think the horse is gay) to a new pasture, last week I believe. This weekend, the farmer is holding a WW2 re-enactment, bombs, cannons, guns, tanks and Spitfires and Messerschmidts flying around(as aircraft do). Nikki was a bit concerned that the noise might upset him, but he seemed alright, which was just as well as her B/F is in Germany on a jollypiss-up, and wouldn't have been around to help anyway. But all is calm, and a couple of Stellas later, she was serenity personified!

She reads this sometimes so I have to be REALLY careful!

Would you call a horse Larry?

Try it, I dare you!!

Still no Trigger.

I am at a loss as to where Trigger is. If I find out he's alright, then he will get a bollocking for ruining my blog! If he has problems, he will have my support.
Either way, it would be good to hear some nonsense again!

Problem in the pub tomorrow. England.v. Israel. Football, BBC1 5.00pm kick off.

England. v. USA . Rugby World Cup ITV1 5.00pm kick off.

Who wins ?

Ten words, from Goth.

God sent the Archangel Gabriel to sort out a dispute kicking off in Egypt. The Pharoahs were playing hell about people raiding their pyramids.
"Look, Gabriel, tell them to stop f*cking about, and while you're down there tell Harrison Ford and his Dad to piss off. And tell that director bloke yawping into that loudspeaker, that if he doesn't shut the f*ck up, I'm going to sellotape his gob shut, noisy tw*t!"

"Gabriel, you haven't shut that loud speaker up yet, I can hear that arsehole Peter Kay singing 'show me the way to armadillo' Turn the f*cker off!"

The next day dawns bright and sunny, hot in fact. Gabriel is a bit pissed off because the chocolate he was given by god has melted, and just staring at the gloopy mass on the plate is making the saliva pour from his mouth.

Completely fed up, he picks up his trombone, and starts playing. No sound! Strange. On closer inspection, someone has covered the mouthpiece with latex.

He notices a strange smell after taking the rubbery latex off, but the trombone still wont play. Why has god put gorgonzola in the trombone?















Because he's a cheesy faggot!! Guess the 10 words!

10 disparate words.

I have been set a challenge by the Goth He has given me ten words with which I have to form a coherent (ish) post. Go to his site, and read yesterdays post, and you'll see what I'm up against!

Funny joke!

Trigger hasn't been in this weekend, which is odd, (bit like him really), so my blogging content regarding the pub is somewhat diminished. As a result, you get a rather funny joke sent from a friend of mine.

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an advert in the local paper that read:

Husband wanted: Must be in my age group (70's), must not beat me, must not play around & must still be good in bed!!!! All applicants, please apply in person.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not expecting me to cosider you, are you? Just look at you! No legs!

The old man smiled,"Therefore i can't play around!"

She replied, "You have no arms either!"

"So I can't beat you." he said.

She raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you still good in bed?"



The old man leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said,









I rang the doorbell, didn't I !?"

Amazingly simple home remedies.

I don't usually like back to back posts, as once people have read the original they rarely return. But Keith didn't tell me he was going to post here, although he has my full permission to. A good post it was too! So, this is to check my theory.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and presto, the blockage will be instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself whilst slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them whilst you chop away.

3. For those of you with high blood pressure,simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. Don't forget a timer!

4. Avoid arguements with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough!

7. Have toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.

Remember:

1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up the chance to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up, congratulations: you get a second chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends: you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan!!