Keiths Joke

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Joke Tuesday, Double bill !

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says,"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says,"Oh,Father. I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She replies,"That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She replies,"He said,
















please Mary, put the damn gun down..."

---

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,"Ain't no use doing that, there's no paper here either!"

Gets coat and scarpers!

Merry Crimbo from Grumpy and the Cripple

Pub news.

After every lunchtime I settle up the bar bill.Being the generous type that I am, I bought Di a glass of wine. This is a regular thing, as it stops her beating me, a bit!

One of the lads enquired as to why.

"Oh, he gives me one every week, don't you lovely!" said Di.

I didn't know what to say!

I hope Jez is understanding!

Joke Tuesday.

Irish again I'm afraid!

Brenda O'Malley is at home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."

"Of course you can, but where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm so sorry."

Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Was it a quick death?" she asked.















"Not really, he got out three times for a piss!"

I was going to make this a spectacular blog post, but as I still cant use photoshop 6, (i've been trying for 4 f*cking hours!), so I thought b*llocks to it!

Anyway, Sunday nights are games night in the pub, bingo from 6pm until 8pm. Then the poker starts. Set limits so nothing gets out of hand.

During the bingo, just after the first game Di was collecting the old tickets in and the money for the next game. The fire was roaring away so Di decided to throw the old tickets on it.

She had a ten pound note in one hand...................

Guess what went on the fire!?

Thanks Keith!

Pub news.

By now you would have thought that Di,(our ever so lovely landlady) would have realised not to admit her 'faux pas' within my earshot. Although Jez would tell me anyway!

You see, this has happened before,and I'm sure some of you may have experienced the same thing.

Di was spotted by one of the pubs locals in the supermarket walking off with someone elses trolley!

A couple of days ago Di was backing through a doorway going out of the bar. As she pushed the door open with her bum the door handle went through her belt! Trapped! Just as panic stations were building she squirmed free!

Are there no bounds to her talents misdemeanours?

Or have YOU done any better?

General stuff.

I have been tagged by RANTZ asking me to name six little known things about myself.

Here goes!

1. I used to be 6'-21/2'', I'm now 6'-3''!
2. My favourite meal is roast lamb with mint sauce!
3. My lucky number is 13, because it's unlucky. (It doesn't work).
4. I have been engaged once. Luckily it didn't work out!
5. I hate Christmas!
6. I'm not really a miserable git! LMAO!!

I wont tag anyone else, but if you want to join in......

Joke Tuesday!

An Irishman who had had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving all over the place.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,"Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the man.

"Well,"says the cop,"It looks like you've had quite a few this evening."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that a couple of intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.















"I thought I'd gone deaf!!"

Pub news.

It's bloody cold today, 4c, or 39f, if you like. There is a bitterly cold North-Easterly blowing. I roll up at the pub at the usual time, (i.e opening). There is Di, our ever so lovely landlady behind the bar. As the lunchtime went on it seemed to get progressively colder in the pub. "Di, light the fire", came the calls. She called Jez down, as lighting a cigarette is the limit of Di's Girl Guiding badges!

"We haven't many logs left, that's why i said turn the heating up", he said."Why have you turned the heating off?"

"There are two things and i didn't know which one to press!" was the reply.

We soon had a nice fire going!