Fun in the Pub

Jez let Di's dog out to have a crap late one night.

He watched the football on TV, and then suddenly remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbour's cat, dead!

"Bad dog! BAD DOG!" shouted Jez. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbour what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's front step.

He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on.

While it was still dark, he crept into the neighbour's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door.

The next day, he was on on the pub carpark cleaning up the piles of 'doggy-do-do' when he saw his neighbour was outside. "Morning!," said his neighbour.

"Hi," replied Jez, nervously.
His neighbour said, "Something weird happened last night."
"Yes? What's that then?" asked Jez, sweating now.
"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!"

. . . . . . o0o . . . . . .
Boom! Boom! Not really, It's just a joke to make you smile, and no doubt to get me another thumping from Di!

Joke Tuesday.

AN UPDATED VERSION OF NELSON AT TRAFALGAR.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race,20gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson
: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shoul
dn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................ kiss me, Hardy."

Funny!

Just saw Johns latest post. Har.. har .. har .. Bloody Hell! It couldn't happen to a nicer guy! I have never laughed so much since my leg went septic!

Excuse me, I must go and change my underwear. . . .

Apart from that, doesn't Charley look nice?

Pub news- payback time!

The pub put on an Easter egg hunt for the kids today. There was also an Easter bonnet competition. As a payback for me publishing Charlie and Di yawping singing she made me this.....

I consider the debt settled!

This is the end of it. I was the only idiot person with a bonnet!

Pub news.

A few things have been brought to my attention over the past week or so. Too minor to warrant their own posts, but when put together they have a little substance.

Take the seemingly innocuous mobile phone charger. I'm sure 99.9% of you have one. They are compact and easy to use, the small bit goes into the phone, the big bit goes into the wall socket. Flick switch and BINGO it charges!

Or does it?

If, after five hours the phone is still flat something must be wrong.

"Jez, it's broke", said Di.

"Have you plugged it in?"

"Yes, look."

"Try the big end too!"

A couple of days ago Jez had a barrel of Pedigree bitter that wouldn't clear properly. This is not unheard of as Pedigree is a difficult ale to keep, and many factors can affect it.

Jez was telling Di about this problem and said he thought the atmospherics may have affected the beer in the cellar.

"We've got ghosts?", she asked.

Pub news.

This video is not meant to be exciting or funny, but to give you an insight into what Sunday nights are like in The Merrie Monk.

It is something that Jez and our ever-so-lovely soaker landlady Di have promoted. It seems to have worked with 20/25 players each week!

Thank-you to the lovely Charlie behind the bar for filming this for me!

Joke Tuesday.

Moral



Never over negotiate!














A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.



So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:



'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It reads:

'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be.

I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches .......... Just send the bottle back.

Aah,well!

More stunning singing!

Owing to mounting pressure from my fans Di's fans I have decided to publish Jezs' masterpiece. This could make X-Factor or the dustbin or the MTV awards!

This is a serious piece of pissed up artistic talent, nurtured over many glasses of wine years of practice!

Di and Charlie, you are stars and I am dead!

Joke Tuesday!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee came in the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

Her husband rushed her to the local doctor and explained what had happened. The doctor thought for a moment and said,"Hmm, tricky one, but I have a solution if the young sir would permit."

The husband agreed to whatever method the doctor wished to use.

The doctor said,"OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out. The husband nodded his approval. The woman said,"Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it!"

So the doctor, after covering his penis with honey, inserted it into the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey, I need to go deeper.

So deeper and deeper he went. The young lady began moaning and groaning. The doctor looked like he was enjoying himself and placed his hands on her breasts.

At this point the husband became very annoyed and shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"

The doctor, still hard at it, said, "Change of plan, I'm going to drown the bastard!"

Pub News.

There was a 30th birthday party in the pub on Saturday night.

This was earlier in the evening.

This is footage from a lot later! Di, Charlie and Maz!

Thanks to Jez for doing a great job. There were 18 different mini-videos, but I had to trim them down as it would have taken hours to download them all!