Joke Tuesday.

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading!!!

Joke Tuesday.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience At the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Joke Tuesday.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favourite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Pub news.

It's been throwing it down all night ,last night and all day today! Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady got in the car today and got a wet bum!

"The bloody roof's leaking",she moaned. On closer inspection, she'd left the sun-roof open!

Joke Tuesday.....ish!

This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was Star Wars.I'm not sure how it works , but it does! Try it without looking at the answers.

Don't peek!

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the two digits together.

3. Oliver.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8.Grease.
9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather-clad gay boys.
10.Mary Poppins.

Pub news.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that despite my best efforts, the pub is soon to close and become an Indian restaurant! The pub is no longer financially viable and Di needs to move on.

She doesn't have a date yet, but I will keep you updated.

What will become of my blog, I don't know yet, but the jokes will continue! Thirty years using the same pub holds many happy memories!

On a lighter note, Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady locked herself out of the pub again! She also announced that when she moves back into her flat she is going to paint the dildo white!!

I think she means ......dado!

Joke Tuesday.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Joke Tuesday.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, drinking beer etc. There was always something that seemed more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."




The doctor's say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp....

Pub news.

You have to appreciate that sometimes we all do something silly. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady has had her moments, (most days).

Today was a prime example. Picture the scene. It is nearly opening time, Di goes outside, and in the interest of security pulls the door to.

She is now locked out of her pub!!

Fortunately Nicky the barmaid was en-route with her keys.

Joke Tuesday.

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."