Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco's.
As he got to the till , he realised he had forgotten to get
condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought
up to her.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he
didn't know. Without batting an eyelid, the girl asked him to drop his
kecks.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called
over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most
of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the till, he told
the assistant that he too had forgotten to get
condoms and asked if she could have some brought to
her for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One
box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he
had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the till he told the checkout girl he needed some condoms too.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his trousers and reached over the counter, gave him a quick
squeeze then picked up the intercom and said....
(Remember this next time you hear it in the store!...)















" Cleaner to Till 5' please ......

Monday, 4 April 2011

The Hypnotist


It was entertainment night at the Hollybush Pub.

John the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience".

The excitement was almost electric as John withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

John the hypnotist said "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" exclaimed John.

It took Paul, the landlord, 4 days to clean up the pub!

Friday, 1 April 2011

Pub news.

A little while ago I posted a blog with a photo of Jake, my mates Spaniel.

This was the photo I used. The other day Jake had a haircut!

Doesn't he look a smart old boy?

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Truth Tuesday!

Look at this carefully...........it is clever, and a true example of British Humour!!


The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet, and on their farewell formation flypast over the houses of Parliament they gave the government a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect camping trip. Two days before the group is set to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but realize there's little they can do to change her mind.


Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" one of the friends asks.

"Well, I've been here since yesterday," Rob replies.

"Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over and she had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.' So here I am."

Monday, 21 March 2011

General Drivel.

My sister took these photos the other day. I didn't see it but it was low over our house!!

I don't know how close they were,but it looks close!

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Joke/Truth Tuesday.

UK Banks are offering a free pencil sharpener in gratitude for the £40 billion profit they got out of us last year.

It's designed to remind us of the friendly and even intimate relationship the banks have built up with the British public.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Garden news.

Hopefully, spring has sprung!

Hellebores and Crocus. Surely spring is here!

Friday, 11 March 2011

Family news.

You may remember some months ago I posted some photos of my youngest cousins' 1st baby.

Lorna-Jane and Glen bought Faye,now aged 9 months to see us today,so I got some photos!

Isn't she gorgeous?

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

JokeTuesday.

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"

Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "I bet the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"