Home news.

Dad in his element. In the garden, sun out with a whisky!

Joke Tuesday.

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm 35, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Go away and leave me alone.'

Next day, her father heard the same buzz and, upon entering the room, saw his daughter getting it on big time.

To his query the daughter said: 'Dad, I'm 35, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Go away.'

A couple of days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing coming from the living room. In she went and saw hubby sitting on the couch, downing a beer, and staring at the TV - with the vibrator next to him on the couch.

The wife asked: 'What the %@!* are you doing?' He replied: 'Watching football with my son-in-law.'

Pub news.

After a quiet start to the week, the customers seem to have collaberated together, and came in en-masse. The place was really busy, which is good news of course! The frustrating aspect of this business, is, you don't know when they will come in!

Joke Tuesday.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.

"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little bastard Rabbit has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Joke Tuesday.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman"and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do yuppie
neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd
jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the pink paint and brushes and everything she would need were in
the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it, just because she's blonde?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari"

Pub news.

A great laugh in the pub this lunchtime with four of my mates. Shame it was my turn to buy lunch!! Still, that now gives me four weeks gratis eating! What comes round.........

The pub has been doing well, and the improvement in the weather has bought families in(It's half term). Mercifully the warmth keeps the little bastards darlings in the beer garden, throwing up on the bouncy castle, and we get peace and quiet!

Joke Tuesday.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged,

French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place ....

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

More general drivel.

Believe it or not, this is NOT by LS LOWRY, but is shit: bird shit to be precise. I took the pic on the glass of our side door.

General drivel.

Sundown from my back garden.

General drivel.

As you know, I love my motor bikes. This must explain things, as my Dad had bikes too!