Joke Tuesday.

The Australian charm!

Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird. And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.

No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts. They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you’re as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.

Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.

Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it . .

Joke Tuesday.

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company.

-----------------------------------

Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

Pub news.

The pub's newest canine addition is growing well!

Eddy at 4 months!

Joke Tuesday...on Wednesday! Ok, I forgot!

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

New blog.

An old friend of mine has just started a blog. He's a superb photographer of birds, moths and general fauna. It's well worth a look,just ignore the football bits!!

Football and Fauna

Pub news.

The beer festival started last night. Apparently the first band were brilliant, and, as the place was packed to the rafters they said it was the best attended gig they'd done!

Surprisingly, for a Saturday lunch the food trade was really good today,with 30 meals served.

Tonight there is a six-piece jazz band playing called Funk'd and I expect it will be packed again!

Pub news.

It's the second beer festival of the year! It starts on Friday at 5pm, and runs through until Sunday.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: Fw: Deaf Wife problem.

I have this same problem at home, Deaf Wife problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this!!)

'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Joke Tuesday.

Ed Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was headed to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. She could see this from their bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

Quickly, he phoned the police who asked, "Are they in your house?"

He said, "No! But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, right now. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay!"

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then, he phoned the police again. "Hello! I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them, because I just shot and killed them, both. The dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars, red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Fwd: That will teach the Yanks‏.

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, divert your course.

US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse - now f*** off!!