Listen to me!!

Right! Lets get one thing straight, I AM NOT A GIRL!!!! What has persuaded two of my favourite ex-favourite bloggers to decide that I am now a GIRL?
Keith came over today, and he didn't try anything on, so I must be ok.

And I don't know how to add the award logo anyway!

Should I be grateful? Of course, it means I haven't been forgotten..........but a GIRL?

Bullshit.

There was soooooo much CRAP spoken in the pub today(Trigger's still on holiday), that I couldn't remember it all. Sharon won though! Something to do with Triggers' manhood, or chipolatta, as Sharon called it!

Trigger in the Sh one T.

He can't seem to help it. Sharon is not to be messed with, so when one of the locals asked to take a photo(as I have done), of the bar, so it could be sent abroad to relatives, she had no problems.

After said photo had been taken Trigger came out with his biggest mistake. Ready?
















How does she fit on a small screen like that?

You don't need to ask what happened next!!

I forgot

Apologies for omitting this little gem.

Jez, the landlord is putting Scrumpy cider in. I've tried it in my youth, and it tended to get me in a mess. I think it might have been something to do with the quantity consumed, rather than the quality/strength.

I digress.

When told of the installation of the Scrumpy Trigger came out with the following:

"You lot don't need scrumpy, you're all stupid enough as it is."

Note the emphasis on 'you lot' !!

The barmaid bites back!

Trigger's got a fan club!

We were talking about emigrating, due to this country becoming a sh*t hole.

"Trigger, I'm not leaving."

Sharon: "Bollocks, I've already started the collection!"

Usual mayhem.

Trigger was cruising for another bruising today, and boy did he get one!

Firstly, he pipped his car horn at Di, when she hadn't seen him. She nearly sh*t herself. (Whack #1).

Secondly, someone asks for a filled roll.
"Are they still last weeks?" Asks Trigger.

"RIGHT, TRIGGER, YOU'RE GETTING IT THIS TIME !! (whack).

"This is fun". Says Trigger. ( WHACK).

I have another week of this............sigh.

It's an AUSSIE thing!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"Dog: "Doin' alright."The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.Dog: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"Horse: "Cool."The Kiwi gets even more shocked.Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"Horse: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

The Washcloth!

This came through today, and for all my lady readers, this is for you. There is not a woman alive today who wont crack up over this! Typed as received. (The tense of the text has been pointed out, and it's NOT me!)


I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been re-scheduled for that morning at 9.30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work/school and was running close.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I didn't have time to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth next to the sink, and washed the area in question. I threw the washcloth in the laundry basket, dressed, hopped in the car and raced off.

Once in the examination room, knowing the procedure, I hopped on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning. haven't we? I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need that one that was by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved in it."

Never going to that doctor again. EVER !

Joke Tuesday

It's there, just at the bottom of todays page.......... Scroll down!!

At the Pub

Keith here! Joan, my friend, and I went to the pub today to have a drink with John. I usually do on Tuesdays and Thursdays, depending on John's good nature and my lack of money.

Trigger isn't usually there, but he's on holiday from work this week, so we were blessed with his company today. Shortly after we arrived he came in and propped up the bar. Being a gent I introduced him to Joan and she whispered to me "I thought you said he was sailing a bit close to the wind!" (Local slang, means 'loopy') "He looks OK to me" she continued. I replied "Give it time...."

After his second or third pint of 'Norwegian Weasel Pee' (Pedigree beer) he remarked to Di, "The more I drink of this stuff, the prettier you get!".

WHAM! He wasn't quite quick enough to dodge that one!

Then Joan asked John how he was coping without cigarettes. "Fine" he replied, "No problem, the treatment worked perfectly, I don't crave at all now", Suddenly, Trigger got out his baccy-tin and proceeded to make a roll-up. "I wish you wouldn't talk about fags, now you made me go and want one", and with that he went outside to have a quick drag (smoke).

When he came back in and ordered another pint (obviously to make Di look even prettier), I was asking John if he had heard any more about his compensation money for the accident. I reminded John that one day; not too soon I hope, that he would probably have to rely on that money to pay someone to help look after him. He replied that it was just a matter of time before he got it, it was all cut and dried and he was just waiting on the solicitor now.

Trigger immediately leant forward, and patting John on the head, said "Don't you worry John, I'm always here to look after you! You'll be alright with me".

Luckily John was facing me at the time, otherwise Trigger would have seen the look of abject terror on Johns face! God, what a terrible fate!

Believe me, what John says about the things that go on in that pub are all true.

He just couldn't make it up.

Posted by Keith