Joke Tuesday.

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From the book of Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth"
Then he made the earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Joke Tuesday.

Only in Britain –

Complaints to bath & north east somerset Council

Extracts from letters written to Bath & North East Somerset council:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

General drivel.

Astonishing news!! The temperature has reached double figures today, with us reaching 11c (52f). This is the highest temperature I've seen on my weather station this year.

In other news, the pub continues to do well. Paul informed us that, as soon as he gets the okay from the workmen he will be closing for a few days so that the flood damage to the kitchen can be repaired. It needs a brand new floor so he can move the new appliances in. And whilst he's at it, decorate the pub inside.

Joke Tuesday.

Retirement The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes! An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

News.

Margaret Thatcher has died. She was the best Prime Minister in my generation.... (In my view.)

RIP, Baroness Thatcher.

Pub news.

Paul said it would be quiet yesterday lunch, and he was proven correct. However, what he didn't expect was that last night every table was taken! No bookings, all walk-ins.
  
 Today was steady, twenty meals plus my lunchtime snack. There were no prawns with chilli and mango (Paul said i'd eaten them all), so I had roast duck pancake rolls with salad and a chilli dip, very nice!!

Joke Tuesday.

BONJOUR Subject: pom in Australia

A British man is drinking in a Sydney bar when his cellphone rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 24lb (12 kgs) baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the Brit just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically British. A future “Lion” for sure".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Brit returns to the same bar. Barman says "we were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 19lb (9kgs).
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "what happened, he already weighed 24lb on the day he was born".
The proud Brit father takes a slow swig from his VB bottle, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: “Had him circumcised”.

An Easter treat.

Hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. "Walk with me by the water as I age" - is well worth the read... A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER: Bugger... I forgot the words.... Never the less have a very good EASTER.

Joke Tuesday.

THIS IS A KEEPER!!!!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Pub news.

Yet again the pub was packed! Only 6 booked in, all the rest just arrived ad hoc. I reckon they secretly collude with each other and then say, "right, let's hit him"!!

On other bits of drivel, does anyone know what we have to do to kickstart this global warming thing? We've got buckets of snow forecast this weekend!!