Joke Tuesday.

A group of primary school infants,accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet,it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and they boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice,(and leaving one outside to guard the door)she went inside,helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting them up,one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted the final one,she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,she said,"You must be in year four."















"No,madam,"he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

Can I just add that Di beat me up again. She read the blog last night!

What did i do wrong?

Pub news.

Di belted me twice within 5 minutes of walking in. "What the hell was that for?" I asked with a look of surprise on my face."Just getting myself in credit for next week." My Dad grinned,a wish I'd done that grin! Pub life can be so cruel.

The Poacher bought some deep fried crayfish and chilli peppers with a dip of various oils and spices.The chillis were mainly sweet varieties, apart from one! Guess who got THE ONE?

Trigger went red,then green,sweated,eyes watering! We didn't laugh(much)!

Once Trigger had recovered a modicum of composure(if that is possible),he blamed the Poacher for his distress. "It's your own fault Trigger," exclaimed the Poacher,"You ate it!"

Here endeth the lesson. If it's red and comes from the Poachers' kitchen, don't eat it,and if it's battered and comes from the Poachers kitchen,don't eat it.....unless you're Trigger!

Pub news.

I escaped the dreaded bog incarceration today by virtue of stealth and speed! I waited until she was busy then raced hobbled off to the loo! I was back before she new it!

I fear I may not be so lucky tomorrow after the following conversation when I was 3/4's down my pint.

Di,"Are you alright if I go out for a smoke?"

Me,"Yes,no problem."

Di comes back in a few minutes later and says,"Do you want me now?"

Me,"No,thanks, but I'll have a pint!"

Trigger thought this highly amusing."You can sit on my lap if you like."

Di,"UGH,I'd be sick you twat!"

I'll see what tomorrow brings??!

General news!

With acknowledgements to The Daily Telegraph.

WHY THE LIGHTS WILL GO OUT ON BRITAIN!

PLANNED STATION CLOSURES OVER NEXT 10 YEARS

1. DIDCOT A,2000 mw(coal)
2. KINGSNORTH,1940 mw(coal)
3. TILBURY,1428 mw(coal)
4. HINKLEY POINT,1420 mw(nuclear)
5. HARTLEPOOL,1210 mw(nuclear)
6. COCKENZIE,1200 mw(coal)
7. HUNTERSTON B,1190 mw(nuclear)
8. HEYSHAM 1,1150 mw(nuclear)
9. DUNGENESS B,1110 mw(nuclear)
10. FERRYBRIDGE C,1000 mw(coal)
11. IRONBRIDGE B,1000 mw(coal)
12. WYLFA,980 mw(nuclear)
    
    
    
    

EXPENDITURE

£100 billion by 2020 must be spent to replace lost generating capacity and meet regulations for low carbon alternatives.

GAS IMPORTS

2008(50%)

2020(80%)

With acknowledgements to IAN FELL Emiritus Professor of Energy at Newcastle University.

"Nuclear will not be ready,renewables will not be able to cope. Gas is getting politically and geographically dangerous to rely upon. Security of supply must take priority over everything including climate change."

When will the politicians,for,it is they who call the shots realise that these things are a waste of time?

Very,very soon I hope!

Pub news.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY !!

Di, without any provocation from me,(all I said was "Hello.") and 2 hours later she locks me in the bog.....AGAIN!!

Your thoughts please.

Joke Tuesday.

A chicken farmer went to his local pub and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,"How about that? I just ordered champagne too!"

"What a coincidence",he says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating!"

"This is a special day for me too,I'm also celebrating",she replies.

"What a coincidence", says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked,"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence", says the man,"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile,but today they're finally laying eggs!"

"That's great news", she says,"How did your hens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said,"What a coincidence!"

Sad news!

R.I.P.

Rick Wright died on Monday, aged 65 following a battle with cancer. He was a founding member of PINK FLOYD, a group that were to captivate me over a 30 year period.

An accomplished musician, Wright was a genius on the keyboards, especially the Hammond organ, Also a prolific song-writer, he was responsible for most of "The Dark Side of the Moon", most notably "The Great Gig in the Sky".

He,along with the other members of PINK FLOYD have dominated my musical trend.

Unfortunately they have come to a premature end.

Long live PINK FLOYD!!

Joke Tuesday.

If you are Politically Correct, piss off!

Bono, the lead singer of the world famous band U2 is also famous for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence,he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent, near the front pierces the silence...........















"Well,stop f*cking doing it then!!"

Pub news!

Yesterdays fun day went really well. Loads of people turned up, but alas, no photos! Jez said he was just too busy!

Today was absolutely packed. More than usual.!

With acknowledgements.

When I enquired as to why, one of the lads said they'd just had a football match (the pitch is opposite the pub), and after the match went into the clubhouse for a beer only to find they'd run out.

This was an added bonus for the pub, as they spent a good two hours drinking!

In less interesting news, Keith
came in.

Di was floating around dishing food out on the bar.

The Poacher bought a plateful of crayfish in done in a chilli,garlic and ginger sauce. These are the American "Signal" crayfish which have been illegally introduced and are decimating our smaller crayfish, so eating the buggers is helping a bit, LOL!

Pub news!

SATURDAY FUN DAY

Di and Jez are having a family fun day this Saturday,raising money for a charity called LOROS,a charity we, as a family support.

There are all sorts of activities available, including:

A Barbeque, cooked by The Poacher's brother. He's good at these.

Donkey rides! They're probably the horses I picked last weekend!

A disco during the afternoon, then a live band at night!

Stalls selling various things(not sure what yet!)

And finally,a bouncey castle,just so the kids don't go home on full stomachs!

I hope they have a really great day,and makes loads of money!

Can anyone think of some other attractions? Such as Keith in the stocks!