Logical advice!

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Dr. Pepper in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'!!!

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Joke Tuesday.

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day,I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has been feeling incresingly depressed. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him my ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't see the counsellor and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila.

*******************************

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that the fuel line is clear, If it is, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and all the earth wires. If none of these solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

Joke Tuesday.

This is from my good friend KB, thanks KB!

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go on a shopping trip one day to a big department store. While they are in there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed. The women's husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policeman breaks the news to them.

"I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags, which were dropped in the panic remain. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these we found?"

The three men all look at the handbags and identify their wives bags. With all accounted for the policewoman leaves them to grieve in peace.

They sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's bag and rummages through it, finally pulling out a half empty packet of cigarettes and says, "All these years of marriage and I never knew she smoked!"

The Scotsman looks into his wife's bag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch, "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank!"

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag, looks through the contents and pick up a half-empty packet of condoms. "Saints preserve us!



















All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man!"

Merriement at the "Monk"

The following video, shot today at the pub, is here by special request of #Debi who asked to see a video of John getting a smack from Di, the landlady, for being cheeky.

Actually if you look closely you will see that the smack is a bit pathetic, it looks more like a friendly pat on the cheek, and she could have hit him harder in my opinion. He deserved it today.

I must apologize for the quality of the video. Last night I was recording in low light conditions and I forget to change the settings. It was sunny today and the picture is a bit over exposed. I only bought this camera last week and I haven’t got round to reading the instruction manual yet!

The second video shows the free bar food loving prepared for the patrons by Di, our lovely landlady. The quality of the food is excellent and is only surpassed by the beauty and generous nature of Di. Everybody who uses the pub greatly appreciates the ‘Sunday Nibbles’; well, nearly everybody, there is one person in a wheelchair who never eats any!

Again I’m sorry about the quality of the video, I will try to do better next time.



I took the following pictures early before the pub filled up and the food vanished.

Flowers.

Here are some snaps of my back garden a couple of days ago. Click to enjoy closer.

Snowdrops, Helebores and Crocus.

I love this shot of this Iris!

Inside a Helebore, aren't they beautiful?

I will blog some more pics as the season progresses. Hope you like them.

Camera news.

My Sister has had my camera for a week to get used to the zoom lens. Here are some pictures she took.

Click to zoom, but you knew that!

A majestic Buzzard soaring on the thermals.

A male Chaffinch. Sis was lucky to get this as they are really flighty things and don't settle for long!

More soon, but flowers next.

Pub news.

You may remember, that a week last Saturday I told you about Di our ever-so-lovely soaker landlady and her friend, the equally lovely soaker Polly getting pissed as parrots and shrieking singing down the microphone. I said at the time of posting that I wanted the footage. Well, I HAVE IT!

I know you have all been clamouring to see the footage, and after much contemplation I have succumbed to Blogger pressure.

May I proudly, on behalf of The MERRIE MONK present:

CELINE DION

Ok, so it's not what I wanted to post, but I was threatened with decapitation, genital removal and even worse. She was going to bar me!

Not quite the same as the video on my phone, but I think, after painfully listening to it several times, I'm sure this is what they were trying to sing singing!

Joke Tuesday.

This has been sent to me by Chris which is a role reversal! Thanks, Chris.

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon. So they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is leaving for school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. "No," she replies.

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "I don't want to know what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. "No," she replies.

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum says,"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and get back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His Mum says,"No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum relents, "Ok, now tell me what you think!"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.....
























I gave him my airplane glue!"

Quiz answers.

Here are the answers to yesterdays quiz.

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in placeon the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

A quiz for you.

I had this sent to me today! See how you do.

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers:

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least
half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers tomorrow.