Joke Tuesday .

MEN'S PEARLS OF WISDOM

1. When I was born, I was given a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I forgot which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. You ask, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying , "No hard feelings".
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try-Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A French kiss, but down under.
14. Q: What are the biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks,job sucks, wife doesn't.
15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts dont have eyes.
16. Despite the old saying,'Dont take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives.

There will be some hilarity here tomorrow!!

No John, you've got it wrong. There will be some hilarity TODAY!

When I promised not to publish this picture I was lying! I had my fingers crossed behind my back. . .

General news.

Reg Varney from 'On The Buses' died yesterday aged 92

He was a big part of my teenage years of television. I will always remember his battles with Blakey, the inspector.

Pub News - Di's Revenge!

Di found out that it was her partner, Jez, who slipped the photo of her to John to email to me to create the "Sexy Landlady" magazine.

Under normal circumstances both John and I would have got a good thumping from her, especially after Jez put photocopies of it around the pub! I managed to escape my good hiding by promising to create another pseudo magazine with a faked-up picture of Jez on it. Poor John was not so fortunate, he got a smack round the head,much to everyones delight!

Di then surreptitiously slipped a picture of Jez to me. She wanted it to be a surprise, and to teach him a lesson. Remember, this is a secret until she confronts him with it so don't dont tell anyone on t'internet!

Click the pic for a larger version.

Pub news!

You have probably read about Di,(the landlady's) attempts to get me into an Elves costume when she hosts "Santas'" grotto, and Keith's portrayal of me as an elf. Di found this highly amusing and has baited me ever since.

Now is PAYBACK time! Cheers Keith!!

Click the picture for a larger image.

Joke Tuesday.

Yeah, I remembered!

Apologies to the Irish community!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd been hit by a train.

His arm is in a sling and his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A f*cking shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something to hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs, O'Conner's breast,and a thing of beauty it was but useless in a fight!"

Chistmas Elf

As many of you already know we are having a "Santas Grotto" for the patrons little brats children at the Merrie Monk this year, and John has been granted the honour of being "Santas Little Helper".

We wheeled him along to Ikea today to get fitted out with his costume. He protested and had a tantrum, but we managed to calm him down with his favourite medication, e.g., 4 cans of "Pedigree" beer.

I think he looks rather cute. What do you think?

Joke Wednesday, for one week only!

OK,OK,I forgot! There's been a lot going on in the Greenwood household these last few days and I thought yesterday was Monday!

Right,joke time!

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers,"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,"Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?" The mother,surprised, smiles and answers. "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an Oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thities & forties, it's like a Birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"















"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Apologies for the COCK-UP!!!

Pub news.

It seems that being in a wheelchair and being, in the main, reliant on others for help,which I don't particularly like, is no protection from a hostile source. THE LANDLADY.

There I was, minding my own business, when there was a clip to my left ear. I turned round to see Di standing next to me with one of those,'It wasn't me' faces on her.

"What was that for?" I asked."You were there", she said.

I tell you,I think hallow'een has had an effect on her.

The broomstick's broken down!

Pub news.

I'm sorry if I haven't been visiting your blogs as regularly as I should. It's this damn PLURK thing. It's more addictive than heroin!

Anyway,Di,(our ever-so lovely,sometimes, landlady) has informed me today, that in December she is having a Santa's grotto, and I am going to be dressed up as one of Santas helpers, with a green pointy hat and make-up!

It seems I have no say in the matter,which is nothing new!

Now, who's going to be Santa? Suggestions please!

Anyone suggesting Santa is banned!

Joke Tuesday, double bill!

I had a moan at the ever so sexy,buxom and intelligent Zoe and she said stop moaning,you never post any jokes I send you! Well,this is the first I can recall.If there were others,they must have been lame!

Anyway,this is Zoe's contribution!

Here was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he only required half a head. The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said,"There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned round to find the man standing behind him, so he added,"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager ok'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called in on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I'm impressed how you got out of it.

"Where are you from,son?" The boy replied, "Limerick,sir." "Oh,really? Why did you leave Limerick?" Asked the manager. The boy replied,"They're all just whores and rugby players down there."

"My wife is from Limerick!" said the manager.

The boy replied, "Really sir? What team did she play for?"

---

After 20 years of marriage,a couple were lying in bed one evening,when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in ages. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts stopping on her lower stomach. He then proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost part of her leg. He did the same on her right side,then suddenly stopped,rolled over and started to watch T.V.

As she had become quite aroused by all this caressing,she asked in a loving voice,"That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said,
















"I found the remote!"