Joke Tuesday.

FEMALE/MALE

Eight words with two meanings.

1: THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2: VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football with only three defenders.

3: COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4: COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.... Trying not to hit on other women whilst out with this one.

5: ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... Anything that can be done whilst drinking beer.

6: FLATULENCE (flach-u-lence) n. Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male.... A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

7: MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.... Call it what you want, just as long as we do it.

8: REMOTE CONTROL (ri-mot-kon-trihl) n. Female.... A device for changing channels on the T.V.
Male.... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Pub news.

Sunday lunchtime was the giveaway. Di, our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady looked rough, and I mean ROUGH! She admitted it herself. She had another "migraine"!

The Mr. & Mrs. night didn't go down well,as hardly anyone turned up, so they had a disco. Herein lies the problem.

Di, our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady got pissed, and I mean pissed! She and Polly (who hasn't featured here before) were on the microphone, singing away. In between verses Di would shout, "Do I sound like Celine Dion?"

Anyway, the amount of bottles consumed by the soaker landlady is pictured.

This information has mostly come from Di herself, so I should expect to be treated leniently.

Oh, I forgot. Di, our ever-so-lovely soaker landlady fell asleep on the bench seats!

Sunday nights, as you are aware are bingo and poker nights. Zach, the lovely Charlys' boyfriend had video'd Di and Polly singing on his phone. (I have to get that!) He showed it to some of the lads on Sunday night, so Di is now known as Celine! Di then proceeded to spill a pint of Stella over one of the poker players!

If I can get that footage...........

Pub nonsense # 4 cont.

Where was I? Oh, yes, loosening tongues.

On Valentines night Jez and Di, our-ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady are hosting a quiz night based on the Mr. and Mrs. game show. I'm sure they did this last year and had a lot of divorces fun.

Anyway, Di was doing a bit of surveillence on a few newcomers to the poker game to see if they would like to come to the quiz.

"Hello, love, have you got a girlfriend?" she enquired of one of the youngsters. "No", he said. "Thought not." she replied.

Jez is covering his ears!

There was a less than attractive lad playing. "Have you got a girlfriend?" she asked. "Yes, I have", he replied. "You DO?" she said.

Have you got a girlfriend?" she enquired of another young lad. "No, I've a boyfriend", he said jokingly. "You're gay then?" she said, "We have a few come in here, you'll be alright!"

This should have appeared in the first posting, but I forgot.

Jez went out to do various tasks, banking, etc. Di asked him to get her some foundation from the chemist (drug store for my American friends). "I don't know what to get.",he said. "But I'm going to the hardware shop, would a bag of cement do?"

This pub is the best!

Joke Tuesday.

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with small ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look: "That's a lovely fire engine," he says admiringly.

"Thanks," says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied on of the cart's strings the the dog's collar and one around the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that string around the cat's collar, I think you would go a lot faster."

She pauses for a moment, looking at the dog and the cat, then shyly says:

















"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?"

Pub nonsense # 4

Firstly, before the main posting, some good news. It's raining! Secondly, before the main posting, the bad news. It' going to snow again tonight! Boo! I hate snow!

Di had thunderous headache today, which hurt even more when bending down. Now, this can't be a hangover as Di has cut down on the wine, so it must be migraine. Jez came in. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I've a terrible headache.", she replied. "Must have been all that red wine you drank last night!" he said.

THE MAIN EVENT

Last night was the bingo and poker night in the pub. This has proved to be extremely popular, with a turn-out of 25 for the poker alone! Jez and Di both play, and Di seems to be showing a burgeoning talent for the game.

However, with increased consumption of the red stuff the tongue of our soaker ever-so-gorgeous landlady began to loosen.

To be continued.........

Pub nonsense # 3.

Firstly, there is a friend of mine, "Blakey", who frequents the pub on a regular basis, always accompanied by his faithful dog, "Bella".

She never lets him out of her sight. He even takes her to work with him!

Loyal though she is, have you EVER seen such a miserable looking dog?

On a lighter note, this is Russ. Australia beware!

There is a p*ss-up of monumental proportions occurring in the pub tonight as Russ has his leaving party!

Russ is flying to Sydney on Tuesday for a year. He plans a few days there and then on to Alice Springs, where he has a job on a ranch. After that he plans to tour around. So, beware, if you meet him, have a beer and enjoy his company!

Good adventures Russ!

Snowy scenes!

Yesterday was snowy, for us. Here are some garden snaps.

The Magnolia in the back garden.

The front garden.

More of the back garden.

And from the week before, this cheeky little bugger!

Click to zoom. But you know that!

Pub nonsense # 2.

Last night, our global warming affected weather dumped another 6" of snow on us! This added to the 3" already lying made life interesting. This country isn't ready to deal with what some of my American/Canadian readers and Sylv, who being in Switzerland knows a thing or two about snow regard as a dusting!

Did I make it to the pub, I hear you ask? You bet your a*se I did! It was packed! Ok, the side roads were a little dodgy, but, as Dad said, if you take your time you'll be alright. I wonder how many of the dossers customers in there today thought about that? Still, It was great business for Di and Jez, and the usual locals turned out too!

Snowy pictures tomorrow!

Joke Tuesday.

JAMAICAN SANDALS

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring round the market looking at the goods, when they passed this small sandal stall.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a strong Jamaican accent say,"You foreigners! Come into my humble store."

So in they went. The Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I think you will be interested in. Dey make wild sex!"

Well, the wife was really keen in buying a pair, but her husband, being the sex god he was, wasn't so sure.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals turn you into a sex freak?" The man replied,"Just try dem on!"

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them on to his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped his own pants off, and grabbed his hips.

The Jamaican then started screaming,



















"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Pub nonsense, # 1.

Greetings! I have taken three years to come up with a title for my posts that I can refer back to, muppet!

To keep you up to date, it's snowing like hell here! Two inches in the last hour! And still it comes. Global warming!

Some of the pics that Jez took last Friday using my new lens

As you can see she's lovely. Charly said to me ages ago that I would never get a picture of her! Jez you're a star!!

This, as you know is our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady, Di. An early lunch today!

This pony lives on some land to the rear of the pub. Haircut?

Trigger! Do NOT zoom in. I will not be held liable for any heart problems arising from such reckless action!

A Blue Tit. (Nothing to do with the temperature!)

Click on the pictures (apart from Triggers) to see the close-ups!