Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Joke Tuesday.

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Thanks to WileyKat!

Monday, 28 September 2009

Pub news.

I'm sorry for not blogging recently (apart from the jokes), but things worth citing have been few and far between.

In the last few days the pace has picked up somewhat! Di our ever-so lovely soaker landlady lived up to hype and got smashed the other night (her words) and spilt drank black coffee to sober up before she dared go to bed at about 3am ish, she says she can't remember the time!

Charlie, our lovely barmaid got her hand stuck in the handle of a half-pint jug(don't ask), and had to be rescued by Jez!

Charlie, for some reason thought that an Emu was a Llama and that a Haggis was a bird that had one leg shorter than the other so it had to walk around a Scottish mountain in the same direction! Thick? No. Gullible? Oh, yes!


Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Joke Tuesday.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked,'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed
to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years,my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop
sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,'he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Joke Tuesday.

This is from my 'Sister'.

A young boy shouts to his mother, "MUM, CAN YOU HELP ME?"


The boy walks upstairs.

That's better, she says, "Now, what do you want?"

The boy says, "I've trod in dog shit, and I can't get my trainers off."

This made me cry!

Friday, 11 September 2009

Pub news.

As some of you may be aware,I have been playing poker on Facebook. It's free, I enjoy it, I get to play against Jez and numerous people worldwide!

I have had hassle from Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady,saying she could beat me at poker. So I challenged her to a game. Jez wanted in too, so this lunchtime the three of us sat down and played.

Never in my life(Jez will back me up on this), have I known anyone so LUCKY!

My revenge will have to wait ,as Jez and the soaker Di are off for a short break on Monday. Di, I'll get you!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Joke Tuesday.

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have
her baby in the taxi.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp.. Glasgow.

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. .. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Friday, 4 September 2009

Pub news!

It is Charlies'(Charlotte), my favourite barmaids 22nd birthday tomorrow! She and Zach, her boyfriend, together with some friends are going to a late-night rave, where you can listen to allsorts of really crap music noise!

Happy birthday Charlie and I look forward to seeing how rough you look on Sunday!

Wednesday, 2 September 2009


Now this is a brilliant idea, but i'd have gone lower than $20!