Friday, 29 October 2010

General Drivel.

I am furious! It's not often I get really annoyed, but some thieving reptile in Brazil has hacked into my Facebook account and stolen $10,000,000 of chips from my poker account!

Now, I know they are free,but they are saleable.

I now know there is a chance of Facebook re-imbursing me, so all passwords have been changed, but not before I bought some more chips, which last night the bastard had again!!

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Pub news.

Things have been somewhat subdued in here of late since Di our ever so lovely soaker landlady announced she was moving on

However she still excels herself! Today was a prime example. I rolled up at the usual time (opening), Dad bought the wheelchair in and I settled down. Di,bought my beer round for me, gave me a peck on the cheek, then went to move the vacuum cleaner out of the way.

"We don't want you tripping up and breaking your neck, do we", she said. "Again", I replied. "God, I can't believe I just said that".

I burst out laughing!

Last weekend Di and her boyfriend went watch a kick-boxing tournament. During the interval she went to the loo and walked into the gents, followed by some enormous bloke, in full view of the crowd! Uproar!

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading!!!

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience At the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favourite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Friday, 1 October 2010

Pub news.

It's been throwing it down all night ,last night and all day today! Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady got in the car today and got a wet bum!

"The bloody roof's leaking",she moaned. On closer inspection, she'd left the sun-roof open!