Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Pub news.

I'm sorry if I haven't been visiting your blogs as regularly as I should. It's this damn PLURK thing. It's more addictive than heroin!

Anyway,Di,(our ever-so lovely,sometimes, landlady) has informed me today, that in December she is having a Santa's grotto, and I am going to be dressed up as one of Santas helpers, with a green pointy hat and make-up!

It seems I have no say in the matter,which is nothing new!

Now, who's going to be Santa? Suggestions please!

Anyone suggesting Santa is banned!

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Joke Tuesday, double bill!

I had a moan at the ever so sexy,buxom and intelligent Zoe and she said stop moaning,you never post any jokes I send you! Well,this is the first I can recall.If there were others,they must have been lame!

Anyway,this is Zoe's contribution!

Here was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he only required half a head. The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said,"There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned round to find the man standing behind him, so he added,"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager ok'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called in on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I'm impressed how you got out of it.

"Where are you from,son?" The boy replied, "Limerick,sir." "Oh,really? Why did you leave Limerick?" Asked the manager. The boy replied,"They're all just whores and rugby players down there."

"My wife is from Limerick!" said the manager.

The boy replied, "Really sir? What team did she play for?"

After 20 years of marriage,a couple were lying in bed one evening,when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in ages. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts stopping on her lower stomach. He then proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost part of her leg. He did the same on her right side,then suddenly stopped,rolled over and started to watch T.V.

As she had become quite aroused by all this caressing,she asked in a loving voice,"That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said,

"I found the remote!"

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Thought for the day.

There was an article in The Daily Telegraph the other day about some study by scientists with nothing better to do that claimed, if you were born before colour television became commonplace your dreams will be in black and white!

I was born in 1962,and after consulting my sub-concious the other night,found I dream in both colour and black and white. Try it and let me know!

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Joke Tuesday.

Mowing and beer do mix!

One Sunday afternoon, there I was sitting on the patio drinking beer and watching my beloved wife mowing the lawn. Life was good.

The old lady from across the street came over, so outraged that my wife was mowing the lawn, she yelled,"You should be hung!"

I took a slug of beer and wiped the froth from my lips,lifted my Ray Ban sunglasses and stared into the eyes of this interferring old biddy and calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Monday, 20 October 2008

Pub news.

I apologise for the lack of postings this week, but very little has happened. No Keith,don't know where he's been. Didn't even show up on Sunday for his lunch!

The only news is :1,I haven't been belted. I'm losing my touch! 2: Jez has replaced the seating in the "posh bit. He did it all himself,and has made a cracking job of it! 3: The brewery have put the weekly rent up and seem to be trying to put a hard working couple out of business! It's mind boggling the lack of help these companies give to their tenants.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Joke Tuesday.

A large woman,wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm,revealing a huge,hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand on the bar and bellowed,"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman necked it. She turned to the patrons again,pointing at them all, revealing the same hairy armpit,and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money on the bar and said,"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approaches the little drunk and says,"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

Friday, 10 October 2008

Pub news.

Whatever I say, I get hit. This seems to have become a fact of my daily routine that it's just a natural occurence. Today was no exception. I even got belted before Trigger. Things do not bode well!

So, if I'm going to get hit anyway, I may as well deserve it! Agreed?

Yesterday, Jez and the hitwoman Di had a meeting with the BASTARD brewery manager. Jez took some photos of the latest promotions they have put on, and the 'A'-boards that Jez has painted and placed outside to advertise the place. Before they left Di had a flick through the photos, which were on top of the mail. They stopped at the post box. Di leaps out and posts the mail.............and the photos!!

Today, after Jez has bought some new seating from a pub auction, Di announces that,due to her fear of spiders,"I wont be around when Jez pulls it out ."

The next beating should be forthcoming soon, but at least i've earned it!!

Thursday, 9 October 2008

More of Leire.

Here are a few more snapshots of my village.

We have lived here for 35 years and are just about locals now!

This is our house.

Our house

Back lane again.

This is the Main Street.

More to follow.....

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

General news.

Dad went for a stroll round the village today, as the weather has, for once been glorious. I persuaded him to take the camera and get some photos showing the differing aspects of Leire. There will be more to follow, if you want!

A bit of colour.

This is called Back Lane

The Green.

More to come..........

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Joke Tuesday, but probably true!

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and attended one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and said:"If my best friend,who lives on a farm,is playing in a field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a tragedy."

"No",said GORDON-"that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand and said,"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not",explained GORDON,"That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered anything more. GORDON searched the room. "Isn't there anyone who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said,"If a plane carrying you and Mr.Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed GORDON. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny,"It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"

Friday, 3 October 2008

Pub news.

In my never-ending crusade to bring you news from the front line one has to make certain sacrifices. It's rather like being in a war zone, the attacks are constant, and last about three hours until Dad picks me up!

My efforts have been noted by my Scotchish friend Mr. Farty, and my Parisian friend Dumdad and are much appreciated.

However, today was no different, the battle continues. Even Trigger's arrival didn't stop Di, our mad landlady lovely landlady from picking on me, a poor defenceless cripple!

When she said to one of the customers,"Hang on Trev, i'll pull it for you when i've pulled his." What did she expect me to do but snigger? Then she belted me again!

Hoh,hum, life in the war zone. Battle will commence tomorrow. I should get a medal for this!

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Pub news.

I arrived at the pub,on time as usual,to be met by Charlie the barmaid. "Good afternoon",she says with a welcoming smile on her face. Jez wanders in,"Hello, John,hello Gordon," he says with the jovial air of the local landlord.

A little while later Di wandered in, walked up to me,"Hello, lovely," I said,(this is the usual form of address),and she hit me!

"What was that for?", I exclaimed. "Sorry, lovely, it's a habit!"

I am astounded, but will continue my blog in the face of all adversity. I owe it to my readers!