Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job
experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share
my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped
to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up
a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it, however, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate..

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt
as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Thanks K.B. xx

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


Thursday, 18 November 2010

Pub News.

This is a world exclusive!

Aren't you excited now?

I have known Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady for nearly 4 years and have never seen her in a dress. Last Saturday was one of the ex- barmaids 30th birthday party, and I bribed asked one of the lads for a photo.


Doesn't she look lovely?

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My Grandmother is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Am I glad I did that? What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

While I was sitting there I found that lots of people love Jesus!

The guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then, everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage passenger in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good
luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car right down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.


Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.

Congratulations, you start on Monday, we have spellchecker.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

There is a softer side to me!

My youngest cousin and her husband arrived yesterday with their first sprog child

Now, I freely admit to a form of child phobia (especially in pubs)

Lorna-Jane,Faye-Nicole and Glen.

Dad, Faye-Nicole and me.

Isn't she lovely?

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Garden news.

I mentioned the other day about the beautiful colours this autumn. This is a Japanese flowering Cherry in my front garden. It has featured before, but still excels!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

There was an elderly couple that went to a burger restaurant. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fries, one large drink, and an extra large soda.

When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.

She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

Monday, 1 November 2010

Garden news.

The Autumn this year has produced a riot of colour, rather like British Columbia in the fall. Hopefully I will get some photos tomorrow and will post them here on Wednesday.