Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Thanks to Beccy for this!
Wine and Water
To my friend who enjoys a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Boy, do we have a landlady and a half in this pub!
Di,as with most women I know have a somewhat limited sense of direction (ducks and shuts ears). My late mother was a prime case. A map upside-down reader. This had its downsides as East/West became distorted.
Di our everso lovely
soaker landlady went out with a few friends a while ago for an Indian. She needed the loo, which was upstairs. Once finished she emerged from said loo, went through a door and ended up on the flat roof! Lost! It wasn't until her mate came up that they found her!
There was some wine involved!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
How can a Wife really explain this one ???
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and large.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
Send this to your good friends and let them have a laugh or else you'll have a bad sex life forever!!!
Thanks to Lorna-Jane, my youngest cousin. xx
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
I think pregnancy is affecting ASBO's (Charlie's) mind. If I can't do the cryptic crossword in the Daily Telegraph, I copy it and take it to the pub so my mate can help with it.
After we had done the cryptic, I gave the copy to ASBO so she could try the "quick" crossword. This isn't always easy. Before I left she asked me if I could bring "yesterdays answers in tomorrow"?
Is it me, but why does she need this?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
*A Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, 'Get
your ass over here! What's your name?" *
*"Paul," the new recruit replied. *
*"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bullshit they're
teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name,"
the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names
only --Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.'
Do I make myself clear?" *
*"Yes sir, Sergeant!" *
*"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" *
*The recruit sighed, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling." *
*"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ....." *
Thanks to Wendy xx
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Monday, 30 November 2009
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Now, it's not often that Di,our ever-so lovely
soaker landlady doesn't make the headlines in this blog. But today, Sharon went one better. She had a coughing fit which went on for some time. Concerned as we were, we asked if she was alright.
"Yes thanks, I just had a couple of nuts stuck in my throat."
"A couple of nuts!"
"snort with giggles"
"Nothing new there then!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
It's good to be back, after what has been a traumatic few weeks in the Merrie Monk. I won't go into any details, suffice to say it wasn't good.
Things are getting back to normal. Di, our ever-so lovely
soaker landlady got extremely pissed last Sunday (nothing new there then)! She still swore at the customers whilst playing poker!
Charlie my favourite barmaid, as you know is pregnant and is becoming increasingly nuts! Is it a hormonal thing? I have nick-named her ASBO. Zach, her boyfriend, and potential father wants a girl, ASBO wants a boy. The list of potential names that ASBO has drawn up , to me, is scary!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
THE BLOG IS BACK!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'....... I just lost it.'!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Halloween. Why do I have to wear a stupid hat? I am not a witch, witches are female (traditionally). Maybe I resemble Harry Potter! Notice the loon in the background, my mate Baz!
Charlie and Reevy. What the dog is after is the subject of todays quiz! Answers to the blog!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Subject: Camilla's new shoes
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, " Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder! " yelled Camilla, " Harder "
Charles yelled back.
"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight! "
"Come on! Give it all you've got! " she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, " There! Oh, God, that feels so good! "
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
" Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter! "
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral! "
With thanks to the gorgeous Zoe!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
It was my friend Malcolm's funeral today. I didn't attend, as wheelchairs and churches don't mix. I was in the pub for the wake. The place was packed, and I had a chance to talk with his family.
Di, put on a beautiful spread, and many fond memories were recalled. He is now buried along side a rogues gallery of past locals in the MERRIE MONK!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the
shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my
car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which
made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic
starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those
are my emergency FLASHERS!'
Thanks to WILEYKAT!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . .. .
being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Thanks to Mum2 (Pat).
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, 12 October 2009
One of my good friends passed away yesterday. The victim of the dreaded cancer.His wife e-mailed me with the news and said it was a blessing as the pain,operations and associated crap he'd been through, it was amazing he lasted so long.
Malcolm was a fighter in the true sense of the word. He suffered no fools, but suffered a lot with dignity and humour.
My condolences go out to all his family!
I will miss you Malc, R.I.P my friend
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says,
'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating..'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's been drinking.'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Monday, 5 October 2009
Di, our everso lovely
soaker landlady is not very well. She is feeling a bit 'icky'. Jez is away visiting his father.
I play poker on Facebook, as does Di and Jez, but what is a little disconcerting is that Di keeps telling me she tried to jump on me all last night!
Don't get me wrong, Di is a lovely person, but I don't think the wheelchair would take it!
The trouble is, is that Di wants to trash me at poker, but can't get on the same table. I might resolve that tonight. We'll see!
Maybe I could jump on her?! What say you?
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, October 05, 2009
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!!
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Thanks to WileyKat!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
I'm sorry for not blogging recently (apart from the jokes), but things worth citing have been few and far between.
In the last few days the pace has picked up somewhat! Di our ever-so lovely
soaker landlady lived up to hype and got smashed the other night (her words) and spilt drank black coffee to sober up before she dared go to bed at about 3am ish, she says she can't remember the time!
Charlie, our lovely barmaid got her hand stuck in the handle of a half-pint jug(don't ask), and had to be rescued by Jez!
Charlie, for some reason thought that an Emu was a Llama and that a Haggis was a bird that had one leg shorter than the other so it had to walk around a Scottish mountain in the same direction! Thick? No. Gullible? Oh, yes!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked,'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed
to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years,my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop
sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,'he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
This is from my 'Sister'.
A young boy shouts to his mother, "MUM, CAN YOU HELP ME?"
His Mum shouts back, "I'M UPSTAIRS. DON'T SHOUT AT ME, GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY!"
The boy walks upstairs.
That's better, she says, "Now, what do you want?"
The boy says, "I've trod in dog shit, and I can't get my trainers off."
This made me cry!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, 11 September 2009
As some of you may be aware,I have been playing poker on Facebook. It's free, I enjoy it, I get to play against Jez and numerous people worldwide!
I have had hassle from Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady,saying she could beat me at poker. So I challenged her to a game. Jez wanted in too, so this lunchtime the three of us sat down and played.
Never in my life(Jez will back me up on this), have I known anyone so LUCKY!
My revenge will have to wait ,as Jez and
the soaker Di are off for a short break on Monday. Di, I'll get you!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have
her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp.. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
'Yes, they used to be,'. .. . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Friday, 4 September 2009
It is Charlies'(Charlotte), my favourite barmaids 22nd birthday tomorrow! She and Zach, her boyfriend, together with some friends are going to a late-night rave, where you can listen to allsorts of really crap
Happy birthday Charlie and I look forward to seeing how rough you look on Sunday!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 04, 2009
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Monday, 24 August 2009
As you may nave noticed, Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady is prone to many the odd blonde moment! (If you haven't then you need a therapist.)
This blonde moment is a classic (no banks either) and is the subject of todays quiz!
Di lost the following two items.
What you have to guess, is where did she find them?
Easy! Or is it!
Friday, 21 August 2009
My 'friend' ChrisB has been messing around with Photoshop and I found this on the Plurk website I use.
I think this is brilliant,but some revenge must be gained!
It is well documented on this blog that I am crap at using Photoshop, so I am quite pleased with my revenge!
This took me ages, but I shall be practising hard. So, Chris, in the coming
months years, beware!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Tuesday nights are poker nights in the Merrie Monk. It is a popular night, bettered only by the Sunday session. Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady behaved herself(ish) on Sunday and only swore at two people. (Round of applause).
Tuesday, however, was a different story. It's the red wine you see. She lost the first bottle, so had another. A third followed, then the first bottle surfaced and had to be drunk. It couldn't go to waste could it? Everybody copped it!
Wednesday lunchtime and Jez is doing bar duty. Di is in Lutterworth shopping and doing the banking and getting over her
This is the second deja vu moment.
Does this sound familiar? "Hello,madam,can I help you?". "I'd like to deposit this please",says Di. "I'm sorry, madam, but you're in the wrong bank."
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Subject: Funny one
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to m
e and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, 17 August 2009
Two people got stung in the pub today. Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady had an old glass on the bar that had been left outside from last night. Swimming in the dregs was a drunken wasp,(backstroke I think). She poured the contents of the glass into the sink, then put the glass into the glass-washer. Thinking the wasp had gone down the plug-hole she picked up the cloth from the sink and wrang it out. The wasp had crawled inside and it stung her in the palm of her hand!
We proffered genuine advice on how to ease the pain. Suggestions were variable, ranging from.................well, you tell me!
Oh, and the second person to get stung?
when I paid my tab!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady was in good form this lunchtime. The lads had brought some chilli dips in for the bar food.
Now, as you know, Di does a selection of goodies, the most popular with the lads being the chipolata sausages that they dip into the chilli concoctions.
However, occasionally she gets tricked into eating something that elicits some unfortunate (not for me) statements.
Di dips sausage into green chilli dip. Sausage enters mouth. "Mmmn, that's nice",she says. "God! You can feel it when it touches the back of your throat!" Instant hilarity at the bar!
"What's up with you?", she snaps at me. "Nothing", I say. 'WHACK' "What was that for?", asks one of my mates. "Well, I haven't given him one all week!", she replies. Much splurting of beer follows!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, August 16, 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an
article which appeared in /The Dublin Times/ about a bank
robbery on March 2. *
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts
at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds
of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
they found only a *small* bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all
safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce
of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little
bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: *
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....**
Many thanks to Karen for this one!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Friday, 7 August 2009
You may remember a posting I made some time ago regarding a certain T-shirt that a certain mad Aussie and her equally mad English husband were going to send me.
The deal was, that I had to blog a photo of me wearing the aforementioned T-shirt whilst in the pub. Me and Charlie!
This is unusual for a Friday as
the grumpy old git Keith doesn't usually come in until Sunday. This is ,from L/R Nipper, Keith and yours truly!
This is Charlie's handiwork, promoting the pub and my website.
Thanks to my mate Charlie for taking the photos.
Special thanks go to Wendy and Stuey in OZ for the shirt. Ordered from OZ, made in Honduras, sent from Kentucky, USA, worn in Leire, England! Things don't get more global than that!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 07, 2009
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Bloody fantastic. A firm with a sense of humour, at last.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Monday, 3 August 2009
I have been out-witted by Di, our ever so lovely
If you read Saturdays' post you will know about Di's challenge not to call anyone a tw*t or a w*nker last night during the poker game.
She succeeded! But only through downright chicanery! The extent that that
soaker woman will go to so she can carry on drinking wine knows no bounds!
She asked someone else to do it for her! Not ONCE,but TWICE!
She still got pissed though!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, August 03, 2009
Sunday, 2 August 2009
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl
calling herself 'Erogonique', a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room
he figures, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
With thanks to a Mr. Robert Horak!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, August 02, 2009
Saturday, 1 August 2009
As you all know, Sunday night in the 'Merrie Monk' is poker night. Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady is very competitive. You aren't supposed to take all her chips off her, thus knocking her off out!
She says she takes being beaten in good
wine spirit, and doesn't swear at people.(Which is crap)!Therefore, the players have said that, if, this Sunday, she calls whoever knocks her out a tw*t, or a w*nker, she goes without wine for a week!
Personally, I think she's no chance! The only way she can achieve this is to win the game!
What say you? Odds anyone?
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 01, 2009
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, ‘You’re perfectly healthy--there's no problem..
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
“Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.”
Thanks to Wendy and Stuey in Eastern Oz!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
Sunday night and the ever popular poker night. Three tables of eight. Di, our ever-so lovely
soaker landlady made it to the final table of eight. She got taken out by a policeman who lives up the road and plays most weeks. She called him a "Tw*t"!
Not a good move normally, except when you've a bottle of white wine under your belt!
In other news, Jez, Di's
long suffering partner has had an abscess in his gum. His jaw swelled up to such an extent that he couldn't eat! Anti-biotics are working, but Di has had her bit of fun.
Jez calls the Pekingnese "Flatface", and the cat "Tw*tface", so Di responded with......."So, I've now got a Flatface, a Tw*tface, and now a Fatface"!
1-1, I think!
She still had a
hangover migraine though!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, July 27, 2009
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
My good friend Wendy and her husband Stuey, the barking mad Englishman(actually Wendy is mad too, but she's an Aussie, so that explains it!) sent me an E-mail on Monday with this picture attached.
I loved it, so I asked her to source me one.
And guess what? She is going to make me one and post it over!!
All the way from Brisbane, QL.!
Wendy and Stuey, you are stars!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch
private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, 20 July 2009
As you are probably aware, Sunday night is poker night in the Merrie Monk. After a busy lunchtime, it is a good opportunity for Jez and Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady to relax and enjoy a pleasant game of cards.
However, things don't always work out as planned.
I turned up today and asked Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady how last night went, and who had won. "I don't remember", came the reply. My eyes lit up! Blog fodder!
There were 32 players last night and Di, the more she moved around the tables kept losing her wine. Charlie, the super barmaid kept finding them and returning them to Di, by which time she'd got another bottle! So, we have a stash of half-empty wine bottles on the shelf under the table, out of sight of the customers. Until one of them put his feet up and knocked them over! Fortunately they are screw top, so nothing was spilt!
"Bloody hell, Di, you're storing them"!, said the culprit. "I keep losing them.",replied Di.
A little further into the
wine night, Di was talking to one of the customers. She asked why his girlfriend wasn't here. "She's working", he said. "Where did you meet her?", asked Di. "Lanzarote", he said. (by this time the stash of wine had gone.) "She's Greek then?", said Di.
Di had a migraine this morning! Myself and Jez and the other locals have another name for it!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, July 20, 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Today has been a busy day for Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady and Jez, her long-suffering partner.
A few weeks ago a fishing club enquired about having breakfast in the pub one morning before their match. A full fry-up, for 24(9.oo am start)!
Naturally Di and Jez agreed. Ably assisted by Charlie and her boyfriend Zach, they did such a good job that, apart from coming back in tonight, they have booked again for next month!
In other news, Keith came in. *yawn*!
It was good to see the grumpy old git though!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Jez was behind the bar when I arrived at the pub today. For the last two days I have had to put up with Di,our ever so lovely
soaker landlady! I was getting fed up with being hit, so today was a pleasant respite!
Our lovely landlady arrived back looking radiant, but to me, the layman, the hair looked as good as usual.
"When are you getting your hair done", I asked.
Maybe I shouldn't have!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.
'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.
'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.
'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.
'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.
JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.
THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.
AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.
THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA.'
'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA.'
'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
I have a friend,(this is not the news!), a good friend, as it happens and he came in the pub today brandishing a fresh crab. Ready dressed and waiting to eat. He asked if I liked crab (I don't), then he asked Di if she and Jez would like it. Di ran off!
My friend has asked not to be identified by name, so I shall refer to him as YP.
YP has a boat, a 13foot one that he uses for a bit of sea fishing. Last week YP and the family went down to Cornwall(SW England for overseas readers) for a holiday.
This isn't actually YPs' boat, but it's 13 feet, and, it's a boat!
YP went out in the boat,put the out-board on, and saw water coming into the boat! The BUNG! He'd forgotten to put the bung back in the stern(rear) of the boat and it was sinking!
Once back to shore, the bailing out
My friend YP shall now be named!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, 12 July 2009
The Poacher and his brother went into the dump that is called Leicester to an Indian supermarket. They came back with an assortment of condiments and hot things with which to torment the gullible locals.
The red sauce on the left is an assortment of pickled chilli and vegetables. The one on the right is a jar of pickled green chillis.
Which is the hottest? I tried both.
In other news, Emma, one of our ex barmaids and her husband Rob are celebrating the birth of their second child! A boy, William, a brother for George. 7lbs exactly!
Congratulations to them. A piss-up will follow!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile
when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ... all he
wants is anal sex and my ass hole is now the size of a 50 pence piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ... you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion ... you drive a Ferrari ... you get £1000
a week allowance you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 pence!!!!!!!!!"
You've got to smile!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Monday, 6 July 2009
This may seem a strange start to a post on this highly unstable blog, but all will be revealed in due course.
Some information has been bought to this intrepid reporters attention by Jez.
A few months ago, it appeared that some 'creature' was snorting cocaine in the cubicle in the gents loo. They were standing on the toilet seat and lining it up on the window-sill. This has since been sorted, and the 'creature' involved, barred!
Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady was telling some of the lads about the incident, but, being everso pissed tired,she said, that to stop it happening again, she would cover the window-sill in......................................
Please note the song title!
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Jez told me he had a mild rant at Di,our ever so lovely
soaker landlady the other day, so I feel duty bound to pass on what already in the public domain.
You see,Jez has about twenty pairs of socks. So,not finding any pairs in the drawer, he went to the washing basket.
This is where the problem begins. Out of all the socks in the washing basket there was not one matching pair!
Where the other socks are remains to be seen, but Di is now officially banned from washing socks.
He'll do his own!
So, on the basis of this, I have come up with a new day of celebration in the pub!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
There once was a man who used to leave for work each morning, kissing his wife and saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."
This went on for many months until one day he left for work and, as usual, kissed his wife saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."
When he returned home that evening he found his wife in a furious temper. "My darling rambling rose, whatever is wrong? he asked.
"You called me a rambling rose," the irate wife replied.
"But I always call you a rambling rose," the perplexed man said.
"I know. But this morning I looked it up in a catalogue and it said, 'Rambling rose - alright up against a wall, but no good in a bed."
Subject: Doctor Office etiquette
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
It's quite warm today, here, in sunny Leire. 27c,(81f) warm. It is humid too, and I sense a storm building. The media get really excited in the U.K. if the temperature tops 30c(86f), which it is forecast to do tomorrow. This is no milestone here. It does this every year on at least one day every summer!
We are being warned about how to survive this ' HEATWAVE ' in the press.
Drink plenty of fluids. Avoid coffee, tea and alcohol(yeh, right!), stay indoors with windows and curtains closed!What planet are these people on? It's not even hot! 90+ is hot in this country!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
There are two animals that reside in the pub,(more if you include the customers). Charlie the
push-me-pull-you Pekingese, and Jasper the Tabby cat.
Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady loves Jasper and always cuddles him and tells him how lovely he is.(I get similar treatment)!
Pretend this is Jasper, as the only info I got was that he's a Tabby.
Di has been cuddling and talking silly to Jasper for the past two weeks. Jez was concerned. There was something different about Jasper that Di hadn't noticed.
Notice any difference between the two cats?
One of the locals came in and Di said,"Look at Jasper out there". The woman looked out of the window and remarked,"That's My cat,Stripey!"
Jez went out to check.
"Yep, that's Stripey!"
Di said,"I've been loving and cuddling that cat for two weeks!"
Jasper is still around and well, but was absent during the day whilst Di was fawning over the wrong cat!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of
When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list ofunmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Jez and Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady have put some hanging baskets outside the pub to add a bit of colour. They look really lovely and obviously Di had a say in their positioning for maximum effect.
This explains, why, in the space off 10 minutes she had nearly knocked herself out on them twice!
A 'mind the hanging baskets' sign should be made. You know what health and safety issues they pose.
Especially if you happened to be called Di!
After seeing Jez's
Perhaps I should have moved the socks first? Or even washed them?
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady has excelled herself this time!
Having lived with the female of the species for a year, I know that their morning habits are, get up, shower, dress, make-up, hair.
I didn't realise, however, that this could be used as hair spray!
Jez did NOT tell me this, semaphore was used!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
10 Downing Street
Dear People of the United Kingdom
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
This is true!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
There must be a concerted attempt from Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady to provide me with blog material!
Today she went into Lutterworth(our nearst town) to do some banking. Now this may sound a relatively mundane task, easily accomplished, but this is our beloved
soaker Di we're talking about!
A 50-50 chance.
"I'd like to deposit this please." "I'm sorry madam, but you're in the wrong bank."
I love this place!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Apologies to everyone, but this video is for Steve, one of the regular Sunday Lunchtime Gang at the "Merrie Monk".
When I first saw it he came to mind immediately (I can't imagine why!).
When you watch the vid think "Everton" instead of "Liverpool".
Not that he is as bad as the character in the video, but he is such a keen supporter of Everton that he sometimes MISSES his drinking session at the Monk and stays at home to watch the matches, and then he gets a real "downer" when they lose.
Can you believe that? It would take more than a
stupid football match to make me miss my Sunday at t'pub!
I think I'm in bother now!
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady has a natural gift for inadvertently supplying me with some superb copy for this blog! Today I had some information passed to me regarding Monday nights skittles match.
Di always puts on a buffet in the summer(hot food in the winter) for the two teams.
After much slaving away making sandwiches etc, it turned out that the fixture list read:
The Merrie Monk-v-Bye!
In other news, Jez won the poker on Tuesday night!
Di had her hair done today, it looks lovely, but it did before she had it done! It must be a female thing. As someone who is follically challenged, I don't really understand the reasoning about getting a perfectly good cut turned into a perfectly good cut for an exorbitant amount of money?!
I am sure I will be well informed by my lady readers!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
This is great!
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies,
'He just found a bomb !'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Saturday, 6 June 2009
There was much excitement in the pub this lunchtime!
As I sat talking to Di, our ever so lovely
soaker landlady she suddenly said screamed. "What's that?!", pointing out of the window. I looked up and just glimpsed a little black thing scurrying along the road, hugging the kerbside. (It must have been fond of the kerbside.) I thought it was a little rat, but I only saw it for a split second. As Di rushed out to investigate the Poacher and his brother turned up.
"What is it?," asked Di. "It's a mole", replied the Poachers' brother. At this point The Bush walked in.(His humour is drier than the Sahara!)
"We've just seen a mole running down the road", said Di,gleefully. "Have you been on the wine again?", asked Bush. "No I haven't. Well, a couple last night", she admitted. "But It was a mole, wasn't it?" she said to the Poacher. "Might have been." he said.
It was a mole, but Di was confused as she thought they were black and shiny and lived underground. The Poacher convinced her it was taking a short-cut! Bush suggested she lay off the wine and get some rest as moles don't usually run down roads, so she must be seeing things!
"You see some strange things outside this pub", I said. "You see some strange things in this pub," said Bush.
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, June 06, 2009
Thursday, 4 June 2009
This week has been a mixture of ups and downs. The downs are that Charlie (our star of a barmaid) had to attend her stepdads funeral today. Also on a downside is I have had to put up with Di,our ever so lovely
soaker landlady all week!
On the up-side, Charlie is back behind the bar tomorrow! I am happy!
It is quiet in the pub at present. Trigger has barred himself, so Di is my main source of ammo, but even she has been relatively well behaved recently!
Last Sunday was bingo and poker night. Di won the bingo jackpot and Jez came third in the poker! Result!
Next week should bring some business in. The local fishing club are having their presentation in the pub. They come in on a regular basis, but it is the first time their presentation night has been held here. Also, on the same day a charity walk is passing through during the lunchtime so it will hopefully be a busy day!
I almost forgot. Keith came in on Tuesday, fawning to Di, as asual! Yawn!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, June 04, 2009
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
My Sister came over the other day and took some snaps around the garden. She admits to not having quite mastered the camera yet, but I think they look good!
This is a Weigela, in full bloom. The sun makes it look too bright.
This I like! The shaded areas look lovely.
This Rhododendron is a relatively new addition to the front garden.
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now ....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Monday, 1 June 2009
Saturday, 30 May 2009
I climb out of the car and closely followed by my Dad with the wheelchair, saunter casually into the pub. It is Saturday, 11.30 opening. There are a few wastrels in there already. Dad gets a bollocking from the poacher for being late. We are on time, so Dad tells him to bugger off!
Di is on duty for the first half-hour, then Sharon takes over. Jez has his kids.
It is F.A.Cup final day here in the U.K. The biggest day in the footballing calendar. Di has hot dogs planned for half-time. I hope the turn-out will be good!
3pm. Dad arrives and I
stagger saunter out of the pub and back home for a snooze!
Life is not so bad!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
Asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".
Susie said : " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
A man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink. During this time he keeps looking at his watch. She asks why.
He says it's a new dating watch and it's giving me information about you. She asks what it says. He tells her she has no knickers on. She tells him it's wrong. He tells her he knows, it's an hour fast!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Sunday night in the pub means poker night. 14 last night, which is a lower than usual turn-out, but as it was a bank holiday weekend it wasn't too bad.
One of the barmen (on his night off) won. Jez managaged to get second and Di, our everso lovely
soaker landlady managed to get pissed!
I know this to be true because when I asked her how she was, the reply was, I've got a migraine (hangover)! This is Di speak for I feel like sh*t!
In other pub news, the poacher and his mate have been fishing. Friday through 'til Sunday at a local reservoir for the last three weekends camping on the bank. The result? Not a bite! It's a good job they enjoy the outdoors!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, 23 May 2009
I'm very dejected this week, that is why I haven't posted much.
It was going to be my ex-wifes funeral on Tuesday, but she cancelled it!
Her new partner said that she had been very ill just lately, and at times was at deaths door. He said "Not to worry though, I'll pull her through it".
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Oliver Cromwell's Speech on the Dissolution of the Long Parliament
Given to the House of Commons
20 April 1653
It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonoured by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.
Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter'd your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?
Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil'd this sacred place, and turn'd the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, are yourselves gone!
So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors. In the name of God, go!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Don't laugh.... It's all true!
Perks of reaching old age!
- Kidnappers are not interested in you.
- In a hostage situation you will be releasd first!
- No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
- People call at 9pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
- People no longer view you as a hypocondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat supper at 4pm.
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- You argue about pension plans.
- Speed limits are not a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won't get huch worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are better weather forecasters than the Met. Office.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.
- You've forgotten who sent you this list.
ONE MORE THING:
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, May 19, 2009