Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Joke Tuesday.

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Saturday, 28 May 2011

General drivel.

Nightmare!! Getting on to AOL took 3 hours today! I've tried Internet Explorer,(AOL not responding,or network unavailable),switching the whole lot off, so as to re-boot the router, then all of a sudden, i'm on-line! THREE hours!

My computer guru is coming over to take a look. I think it maybe the router.

Oh, and my printer is firing blanks, except when you print the test page!?

It never rains. I wish it would though, my garden is dying!

Tuesday, 24 May 2011


Don't Lie

After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.

As he enters the bar this gorgeous blonde calls him over. She says: "Instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night". He is dumbfounded but decides to go anyway.

After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . "O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go. It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this".

She says: "Don't worry it was just a one night stand".

As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.

As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says: "And where were you?!". He replies: "I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex". She says: "Let me see your hands"

He put out his hands and she says: "DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU WENT BOWLING!"

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Garden news.

Some of you may remember our heather beds in the back garden. Well, last winter finally killed them off. Thity-eight years isn't bad going! We decided to hire my mate Andy to remove the dead heather(it was too much for Dad). Dad and my sister went off to the garden centre and came back with eight Rhododendrons.

Some months later here is the result.

The other six suffered from the re-planting and their buds died, but they will flower next year.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Did you hear about the three brothers who married women from different parts of the world.....

The first brother married a Filipino girl. He told her that as he worked hard all day she was to do all the dishes and the house cleaning. It took a couple of days for her to get on it but on the third day when he came home he could see a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second brother married a Thai girl. He gave her orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better and by the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table when he got home.

The third brother married a girl from Liverpool. He told her she had to keep the house clean, get the dishes and laundry washed, the lawn mowed and have hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, on the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He says he still has some difficulty when he passes water though.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Pub news.

These photos show you the set-up that Paul needed. The racking was made by 'The Chairman', our resident nutcase engineer.

The main attraction!

The cider.

The final set-up.

This was filmed last night on a Blackberry. The quality isn't great, but it gives you an idea of the amount of people. There was the same amount again in the pub.

Thanks to 'Loud Dave' for the footage.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Pub news.

Here is the official blurb for the beer festival this weekend.

Open all day, 12.00 'til 11.00.

Of the two bands performing, I have only heard of "Honey-Boy Hickling", as he is a friend of mine. They are a blues/jazz outfit(i'm sure if you google them, you will find them).

Click to read the beer list.

Joke Tuesday.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll stop her being bored.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

The Dyslexic Atheist...did not believe there was a dog...

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.
Time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a 30 minute lecture on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Pub news.

I thought i'd do a little blog on the local canines that frequent the pub.

You will probably recognize the character below,(KB will). This is Jake, one of the dogs welcomed into the bar area.



This is "Titch", a 2 year old Jack Russell/Lakeland Terrier cross. She is a superstar!


This is Sam,a 19 month old Chocolate Labrador. Remarkably well behaved.


This is Alfie, the landlords dog. He is a four-legged exocet missile! Fully trained for the gun, except when he's let loose in the pub!


This is Boisey, a lovely Greyhound/lurcher. He has a wonderful temperament.

Go on, pick your favourite!

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Pub news.

It's a long while since laughing made tears stream down my face, but today a little old lady, combined with Paul, the landlord and the "chairman", this was achieved.

Here's how it went.

Little old lady approaches the bar to order some food.

"Cod and chips,but I want no more than four chips(this was said quite assertively) and mushy peas, please.

Paul,quick as a flash,"How many peas,three?

(Lady laughs), "A few more please."

The 'Chairman'sparks up,"you'll be ok, the chips are a foot long.

That finished me! The lady took it in great heart!

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Joke Tuesday.

During a recent password audit at Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:


When asked why he had such a long password he said:

''I was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Garden news.

May day and the Azaleas are in bloom. The first photo is in the back garden. This beauty is 6'high and 8' across! Click on to enlarge....but you knew that!

The other photos are all in the front garden.

I think they are in fine form this year!