Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Just had a fantastic lunchtime laugh in the pub. My usual mates were in, but then I was surprised by an old mate and his wife, who I hadn't seen for 15 years! He said he hadn't seen me in my "wheels". Well, that's 13 years ago, so I reckon it's longer than that.
They said they'll be in next Saturday. Can't wait!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Friday, 12 April 2013
Astonishing news!! The temperature has reached double figures today, with us reaching 11c (52f). This is the highest temperature I've seen on my weather station this year.
In other news, the pub continues to do well. Paul informed us that, as soon as he gets the okay from the workmen he will be closing for a few days so that the flood damage to the kitchen can be repaired. It needs a brand new floor so he can move the new appliances in. And whilst he's at it, decorate the pub inside.
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Retirement The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes! An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Monday, 8 April 2013
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Paul said it would be quiet yesterday lunch, and he was proven correct. However, what he didn't expect was that last night every table was taken! No bookings, all walk-ins.
Today was steady, twenty meals plus my lunchtime snack. There were no prawns with chilli and mango (Paul said i'd eaten them all), so I had roast duck pancake rolls with salad and a chilli dip, very nice!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Nobody can believe the weight but the Brit just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically British. A future “Lion” for sure".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Brit returns to the same bar. Barman says "we were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 19lb (9kgs).
The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "what happened, he already weighed 24lb on the day he was born".
The proud Brit father takes a slow swig from his VB bottle, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: “Had him circumcised”.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Monday, 1 April 2013
Hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. "Walk with me by the water as I age" - is well worth the read... A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER: Bugger... I forgot the words.... Never the less have a very good EASTER.
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, April 01, 2013