Wednesday, 29 June 2011

General drivel.

I was rummaging through some paperwork relating to the accident I had 11 1/2 years ago, when I came across this article from The Leicester Mercury,(a local rag).This, according to the arboricultural report, is only half of it! Seventy feet tall they said.

No wonder I had a headache!

Click to read.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Who Knew?


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Joke Tuesday.

My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, "Sunshine", did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog - I'm installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They're cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.

A photo of "Sunshine" is attached.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Pub news.

The "Chairman" was on good form today. Paul, the landlord had popped upstairs when a lady came to the bar to place an order. As she stood there, waiting, the "Chairman! said,"He'll be back in a second, he's just gone upstairs to get the chef another bottle of gin."

"Ok", she replied.

Some people will believe anything!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Pub news.

Today was manic in the pub. Forty-seven old dodderers OAPs in for lunch,(The Evergreen club). All food had been pre-ordered to give the chef half a chance and within 15/20 minutes of sitting down they were all eating!

Meanwhile, at the bar. The "Chairman" and unidentified friend(nice photo Paul!)

Pat, a picture of concentration. He didn't even notice the flash going off!

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

Thanks, KB!

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Pub news.

You've seen Titch before.

When you take a young lady out to mark her 18th birthday (3rd, in real terms), you expect to foot the bill and make sure she has a nice seat where she can enjoy a drink.

After a celebratory drink, it's time to relax.

No animal was harmed in the making of this post, although Titch's owner might feel rough tomorrow! Nice one Scott!

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Pub news.

I had a visit from Di this lunchtime,(we try to meet once a week). She goes on holiday to Majorca with her mother tomorrow. I have informed the Majorcan authorities!

She had some fancy nail thingys put on the other day in the local dump city. It was a nail salon she hadn't used before and,on entering, had a look round and spotted a woman doing nothing. She approached her and pushed her hand under the womans' nose and proceeded to explain what she required, but could she check her nail-base first. Five minutes later the woman said, "I don't work here, I'm waiting for mine to set".

After eventually having her nails done,Di leaves the salon. It starts pouring with rain(no brolly). Whilst gettig soaked, she is accosted by a man who thrusts a card under her nose trying to sell her insurance.As she tries to get rid of him,she is distracted and walks into a lamp-post! Relatively unhurt, but very wet and now embarrased, she toddles off home.

Maybe she should have taken the insurance!

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope.

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Think you're fit?

Apologies for the lyrics!