Monday, 30 April 2007

BBQ Season.

Our last BBQ died last year so Dad went to buy a new one today. He came back with a cast iron affair, which he is currently assembling outside in the sunshine, with a whisky for company.
Knowing Dad, he wont have read the instructions, and much swearing will ensue. I'm keeping out of the way! He should suss it, he's an engineer for christ' sake!! Only £20.

Roll on summer!

Sunday, 29 April 2007

Typical Sunday.

We went down to pick up Obe Wan, my computer guru, as his daughter is away. The aroma from the curried cauliflower and garlic bread soon filled the car. Open windows!
In the pub the usual suspects (of which Sharon the barmaid is now one) got stuck in. Trigger isn't a curry man, the only thing he has in common with me, but Obe Wan had some German wild boar salami type thingy with him. It was good, very garlicky. Trigger liked this.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Wild Boar sausage".

"I'm like a wild boar at times". said Trigger.

Sharon, "No, Trigger, you're just a bore".

1-0 to Sharon!

The take-over is on Tuesday apparently. The new people were in today, going through the "this is how this works "routine. They say nothing's going to change. I hope they're right. Time will tell.

Friday, 27 April 2007

Breaking newts!

Congratulations to Zoe and the Twat. They have become parents! Dad spotted a Toddlet in the pond this morning. A babies head-wetting will not be needed!


A friend of mine has, unfortunately just separated from his wife. They agreed that he would pay £80 a week maintainance for the kids. All was well until she "listened" to one of her frinds and got the C.S.A. involved. Much form filling later, they told him he was to pay £70 a week. A result, you may think. Not quite. As she doesn't work she is now claiming full benefits, rent, etc. and so is only getting £10 a week from the £70 being paid to the C.S.A. If she were to get a job she would get the full £70, but would lose one of her benefits (£100 a week). So, therein lies the injustice.............Where's the extra £60 going? My friend doesn't know.

The Child Suffering Agency.

Any lawyers out there?

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Missing person !!

No Keith today! This is unusual for a Thursday. Having read his last comment on my blog I am getting increasingly worried that Wendy Ascham has done him in so she can hi-jack the blog................or maybe the old git just forgot!

Silly me, she's hi-jacked it already. What a fool I am.

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Rip Off!!

Our car went in for it's MOT yesterday. We knew there was a problem with the ABS warning light coming on occaisionally, and that it could fail the MOT because of that, so it had to be fixed. The garage MD rang up after they'd run a diagnostic test and said the ABS was fine, but the warning light was knackered.
"Fix the light ", said Dad.
"We can't do that, Ford don't do spare bits for the instrument console, so you'll need a new one".
"How much is that?"
"£350.00 plus vat".
"£350.00 quid for a bulb or dodgy connection, and you'll fail the car even though there's nothing wrong with the ABS?".
"Afraid so."

Am i missing something here? Total cost: £640.00!

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Joke Tuesday # 1

Beccy has her "fun Monday", so here's my joke Tuesday. All jokes are welcome from my bloggie friends. I shall try to keep them as clean as possible, and for fear of offending anyone , race free, although I cannot promise!

No. 1. An old couple in church for Sunday service. The wife says to her husband: " I've just let a silent fart out, what should I do?"

"Put a new battery in your damn hearing aid!"

Thanks for the messages about Dads health, he is on the mend, and will be swearing at Man. Utd. on telly tonight!

I forgot, I got Beccys' flapjacks today, scrummy!

Monday, 23 April 2007

Poorly Dad.

Dad is suffering, one of those shivvery, coughy horrible bugs. I feel guilty because I can't do anything to help. He still has to cook (he still hates cooking). It's a situation I don't like, it makes him snappy, and then he feels awful for snapping. So I have decided we are going to have a laugh tonight. The solution?

A DVD, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World!

This is the funniest film I have ever watched, and I know Dad will cry with laughter.

Wish me luck.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Trigger and viagra.

Trigger has one tablet left, it must be past it's sell-by date. He cracked the following joke (unusual):

I've got some viagra based eye drops, they do nothing for your sex life, but they make you look hard!

Nothing much else to report.

Saturday, 21 April 2007


.Valentino Rossi, the King of bike racing.
I was watching the Moto GP. qualifying from Istanbul. Trigger arrived.

"Is this Rossi racing?" He asked as Rossi's name was flashing across the screen.

"No, this is the qualifying, the race is tomorrow." I said.

"Oh, i didn't notice, i've got a lot going through my mind at the moment."

A voice from the back.

"There's plenty of room in there, is it bouncing?"

Good stuff, i think!

Friday, 20 April 2007

Striken by relief.

I have been getting some tuition on how to "strike through" words, to no avail, until now!
Beccy has cured all my inner demons on the topic. You see, i'm incompetent thick, but that's what you get.
YIPPEE! It worked! Beccy, you're a star, thanks.

I had a phone conversation this afternoon with someone whilst they were splashing around in the BATH! Isn't the blogosphere wonderful for making friends?

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

The six o`clock newts

This is for Zoe: The Common, or Smooth Newt. Zoe's the 1st one. lol.

Tuesday, 17 April 2007


I have a problem(no jokes please). Dad has found newts in our ponds again.
Now, do I leave them in peace, or should I talk to them, like Zoe? Ithink I shall leave them alone, because if I bend down to have a chat, i'll fall in the damn pond!

I've called one Zoe, and the other Q, he's a twat because he hasn't shagged her yet. No eggs.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Spring seasons all in 2 months!

Thanks Beccy !!

Posted by Picasa

Barmaids have the last laugh!

Trigger strikes again.
We were talking about some very attractive ladies who came in yesterday (they must have stumbled in by mistake), when Trigger said that with his "sex appeal" he should pull one of them.

Sharon, the ever reliable barmaid, said.

"Trigger, you have the sex appeal of roadkill".

I think Sharons GREAT!!

Thursday, 12 April 2007

Pub news update.

Things seem to be moving apace regarding the take-over. The carpet has been cleaned (hell, it needed it), new matting has been laid today in the darts and skittles areas. All it needs now is the customers cleaning up. I hope that never happens, as the pubs character would go. Would you lot want Trigger being sensible? If that happens (i dont believe in miracles),what would i blog about?


An American man was arrested after a robbery ,when during the chase his false leg fell off.

In the D.T. today.

Monday, 9 April 2007

Old watch!

Remember the "new" watch i bought a few days ago? Well I just sold it today. My left arm didn't move enough to wind it up. How bizarre is that, and no i can't wear a watch on my right hand!
Still, i didn't lose any money. Going to buy a fake quartz one now!

This will tickle you!

Bank holiday Monday lunch is much like a typical Sunday lunch. All the usual suspects are in, with one exception today. Keith came in. Which one's Trigger? Guess, he's at the bar. There were 5 or 6 at least, but he got him first time!!

Anyway, back to the giggle.

The lads were on about cooking burgers/sausages when the BBQ season starts. Trigger said he'd just bought some of each the other day. Obe Wan and the Poacher suggested he fry them and serve with caramelised onions in a roll/bap/cob (depends where you live).
Trigger wanted to know why he needed caramel!

Cue laughing.

"Look you lot, I'm not stupid you know".

More laughing.

Quiet word from Trigger, overheard by all .

They think i'm daft.


Sunday, 8 April 2007

Just a picture.

This is my front garden, taken from the road. I love this tree!

It has a spread of 60 feet.

Saturday, 7 April 2007

Unbelievable, but true.

Right, let's get a few things straight. I got a reply from apositivepessimist to a comment i'd made on her blog. She called me a cripple, then apologised if she'd insulted me. NO! I am, by the word of law, a spastic, a tetraplegic, and a cripple. Don't go down the politically correct channels with me!! Pessimist, you're a star!!

Now, back to the title of this post.

Trigger, the Poacher, the Baker (Obe Wan), and the candlestick maker were in, oops, sorry, the candlestick maker got on their wick last night, so they burnt him.

The Poacher said he'd bought some deep-sea Indian Ocean prawns, huge things(2" long).

Trigger asked if they had their heads on. To which the Poacher said, "No, they dont need heads at the depths they live, because it's pitch black and they don't need to see".

10 minutes passed.

Trigger, "They must have heads"


Friday, 6 April 2007

Animal Welfare.

I am all for animal welfare, apart from the ones my mates shoot, and i then eat, but that isn't a "welfare" issue. I have always owned dogs, until 6 years ago, when i had my last black Labrador put down (cancer). I love animals, apart from cats.

I wanted to draw your attention to a letter in todays D.T.

The new Animal Welfare bill that comes into effect today.

"All pets must have a controlled diet, so as not to become obese. All pets must have adequate exercise and be properly housed, so as not to cause distress or suffering. Failure to comply will be met with a heavy fine and/or imprisonment".

When are this poxy Government going to to bring out the same legislation for humans ?

New Watch.

I bought myself a new watch yesterday, well new to me. It's an Omega Seamaster. Fully automatic, you know, the self-winding type. Ok, so it's a fake, but you wouldn't know.

Trigger came in, (i'd forgotten it's a bank holiday), and the usual conversation ensued. The plumber was also in and commented on my new timepiece. Trigger wanted a look.

"That's nice, battery is it?"
"No, automatic", i said.
"Automatic, it winds itself up when you move".
"It's a bit like you Trigger,it winds people up by itself", came the Plumbers reply.

"Why don't you...........

"Now, now Trigger.

Wednesday, 4 April 2007

Good News.

I have just heard on the news (honestly), that Iran has freed the English sailors.
They have all been given an official pardon. The woman was presented with a G.P.S. device, but said that she didn't want to "Get Pregnant Soon", and that she had a testing kit at home!

I'm off!!

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Potential danger!

Keith came over today for a pint and I told him a joke, which made him laugh, but he said that I shouldn't post because of the potential backlash. Hmm, I thought, this could be fun. So hear goes Ladies:

The Iran crisis: Fifteen English marines have been captured for straying into Iranian waters. 14 men, and 1 woman. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the damn map, does it?!!!

Scarpers PDQ!! Hee, hee.

Sunday, 1 April 2007

Sensible things.

I heard from wendz that it was snowing yesterday with her, so i'd thought i'd cheer her up. These were taken this afternoon.

Trigger's mistake

I have never laughed so much. Trigger may be/is a twat but this takes the proverbial biscuit.

He told us that he'd had a phone call from someone asking for "Tigger", and that he hated the term.

"It's TRIGGER", he said.

"Sorry, Tigger", was the reply,

And he told US!!!!!!!

As the lunchtime went by he was getting some serious grief. As he said goodbye, a universal chorus rang out.

"SEE YOU TIGGER!!!!!!!!!!"

F**K the lot of you.

Bye Tigger.