Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Joke Tuesday.

A man fancies a woman in his office, but she has a boyfriend. He approaches her anyway and offers her £1000 to have sex with him.

I'll throw the money on the ground, you bend over, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She consults her boyfriend, and he advises her to ask for £3000. Pick it up really quick, and he wont have a chance.

Half an hour later he calls to find out what the delay is. She says:

"The bastard used coins!!!"

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Music quiz time!

Song and Artist please!

  1. I still don't know what i'm looking for.......
  2. You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin'.............
  3. Remember when you were young.........
  4. There's this girl, that's been on my mind.............
  5. Fear me, you Lords and Lady preachers..............
  6. He's laughing with another girl, and playing with another heart..........
  7. Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Ohhh............
  8. Como puede ser verdad, Last night I dreamt of San Pedro.............
  9. City girls just seem to find out early.............
  10. Wow! Moving on the floor now babe...............
  11. Right now, I am an antichrist...............
  12. Hey, if we can't solve any problems.............
  13. Just a castaway..................
  14. You get a shiver in the dark..........
  15. Telegram force and ready, I knew this was a big mistake............

Good luck, I'll leave this up a little longer before the answers come out.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Strange names.

I was watching the news earlier when they started interviewing a Dr. LOTZOF. This got me thinking. What's the strangest/funniest name you've heard? You don't need to know them, but the name must be real.

A friend of mine maintains to this day he knew a Hugh JARSOLL!

So, come on, think. You don't have to know them, but they must be real, and if anyone, and I mean ANYONE says DEADWOOD, they're in big trouble!!

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

For all the lovely ladies who read my blog!

Now you're all thinking what the f**k now! What has he got now?

Well ladies, this is just for you. You will see I am not someone who systematically takes the piss out of the fairer sex. (You can't wait for this, can you?).


Three men and three women are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?', asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn', came the reply.

They all board the train. The three men all sit down, whereas the women all cram into the toilet.

The conductor comes round collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please'. The door opens a fraction and a ticket is passed over. The conductor carries on.

The men see this happen and agree it was a clever idea; so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the way back and save some money.

When they reach the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy a ticket at all!

'How are you three going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn', comes the answer.

When they board the train the men cram themselves into the toilet.

Just after departure, one of the women gets up and walks over to the gents toilet, knocks on the door, and says...........'Tickets please'.

Bask in your glory, I'll be back !!!

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Bugger, tagged !

The ever so slightly mad Karmyn has tagged me with this. What would I do if I was rich and famous, what would my demands be?

  1. Firstly, a Swedish au pair, preferably a practicing nymphomaniac.
  2. Then, a chef to save Dad cooking!
  3. A chauffeur to ferry me to the pub and back. (Already got that!). Thanks Dad!
  4. A cleaner to save Dad doing it. Maybe the au pair could double up?
  5. Another au pair to cover for the first ones holidays. (I am not too harsh on employees).
  6. A black Labrador. I really miss my last one!
  7. Visit all my bloggie friends! That would be tops!!
  8. Get my body functioning again, like it used to.
  9. Nothing else, I am pretty happy with my lot.

I thought I was famous !


Joke Tuesday.

What's the difference between PMT & BSE ?

One attacks the cows brain and sends it f*cking mental,and apparently the other is an agricultural problem.......

*I'm off, before the shit hits the fan!*

Monday, 22 October 2007

Doomed, we're all doomed!

This was taken a couple of days ago. An azalea. What is this doing flowering now?

Saturday, 20 October 2007

Pub News

You may, or may not know about Nikki. She is the owner of Larry the queer horse. Nikki is also a milkwoman. No story there I here you say........but!

Nikki has just started a new round, and in learning said round had to go out with the outgoing person to learn the ropes.

On this particular day they had to go and deliver to a place called Croft quarry. This is a working quarry, and as such is required by law to have a wheel wash for the lorries leaving the site. Nikki always has the window down, but the driver didn't tell her about the wheel wash!

Straight in, all over her, soaked............I didn't laugh!

Thursday, 18 October 2007


I'M BACK !!!!!!!!!!

Joyous singing and dancing. At last my beautiful header is back!

Where did it come from, you might ask.

I don't know, but I have a sneaky idea.

Pub update.

We still have no sign of Trigger, but my hopes for the survival of 'PUBLOG' were surprisingly given a boost today.

Di, the LANDLADY, had made some freshly filled rolls, (cobs here), and bought them out to put in the small fridge on the bar. Now the rolls are usually stuffed full of various fillings, and because it seems like Di uses a chainsaw to 'slice' the cheese or ham, etc, they normally require a snakes ability to dislocate ones mouth to be able to bite them. Good value for £1.20.

However, today she spotted two in the fridge that looked a little sparse on the filling side. All wrapped up nicely with cling-film, except there wasn't anything in them!!

And she TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Trigger?

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Well done polly parrot!

From todays Daily Telegraph.

A man in Dallas, Texas shot dead an intruder, after his parrot woke him up, when it said hello to the burglar!!

Bird brain? NO!!

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Joke Tuesday.

Woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. They are priced at £300, £150, and £15.

"Why is the last one so cheap, he looks the best?"

"He used to live in a brothel", replies the owner.

"I dont mind ," she says, "I'll take him".

When she gets home, the parrot says, "F*ck me, not another new brothel!"

The woman laughs.

When her daughters arrive home the parrot says, "F*ck me! Two new whores!"

The girls laugh.

Dad arrives, and the parrot says,

"F*ck me! Pete, I haven't seen you for ages!!"

Sunday, 14 October 2007

My biking years.

This is for a bloggie friend, and for me, as it bought back so many happy memories. It is also dedicated to Roger, RIP mate! Yamaha RD200, 1979. My first bike, aged 17. I skipped the moped stage because Mum wouldn't let me have one!

Honda CB400-4 F1 1980. A modern classic now, this was a cracking bike, my second . I Fell off this once, in the next village to us. The bloke whose hedge I went through wasn't very chuffed the next day! He never did find out, i'd scarpered!!

Yamaha DT175, 1981. This was my first foray into off-road bikes for road use. I got the bug, hence the manic thing below.

Suzuki PE400, 1982. This is the most fun you can have on a bike! Totally banzai, road legal, and a true enduro bike. Power wheelies up to 4th gear, eats Yamaha RD350-LCs for breakfast 0-60mph!

Suzuki GS550-E 1984. This was a nice bike, bullet proof engine. Only fell off this once! My fault of course. Too fast, molten tarmac, no front wheel grip, result? Ditch !!

Honda CB900-F2.1986. Cracking bike, smooth and quick for its time!

Preparations for 2 weeks in the South of France. Arcachon here we come! 580 miles from Cherbourg in 10 hours, stopping for fuel every 150 miles! FUN ! Do you recognize the bloke with hair tending his bike?

Friday, 12 October 2007

Mortified !

I know I've given Di, the landlady a bit of grief over her push-me-pull-you dog, but she hit me with a reply that shocked me to the core.

They are having a Hallo'een disco with a fancy dress theme. One of the lads asked if I would be dressing up. I replied that I would come as I was. To which Di said,

"You'll win hands down!!"

*WalkWheel into that, why don't I !!*

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Political crap

I don't usually do politics, it seems far too contentious for a blog. Especially this one! But as I tippy-type away, I am listening to a programme on BBC2, called Why Democracy? The Ministry of Truth.

Proposing his own Misrepresentation of the People bill, Richard Symons listens to Jack Straw, Harriet Harmon and Lord Falconer tell him why it's unrealistic for politicians to be held accountable for what they tell the electorate.

Am I missing something here ??

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Quiz answers

Well done you all, a good effort. The non-prize goes to Mr. Farty, who only got two wrong!

  1. Colour, chef.......Pink Floyd
  2. Heavy balloon.........Led Zeppelin
  3. Sovereign.......Queen
  4. Male/female guns.......Sex Pistols
  5. Chilly apes........Arctic Monkeys
  6. Traitor vicar............Judas Priest
  7. The beginning.............Genesis
  8. Hurry up..........Rush
  9. Are you enjoying this.......Yes
  10. Sounds like insects..............Beatles
  11. Coloured shellfish sect............Blue Oyster Cult
  12. Birds of prey........Eagles
  13. Murderers............Stranglers
  14. Peelers.............Police
  15. Metal clothes horse.............Iron Maiden
  16. Much too much..........INXS
  17. Stuck in a rut.................Jam
  18. Dark Sunday..........Black Sabbath
  19. Heavy colour........Deep Purple
  20. Haven in the desert............Oasis

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

A quiz for you.

Guess the band. Some clues are cryptic, so think laterally.

  1. Coloured chef?
  2. Heavy balloon?
  3. Sovereign.
  4. Male/Female guns?
  5. Chilly apes.
  6. Traitor, vicar?
  7. The beginning.
  8. Hurry up !
  9. Are you enjoying this?
  10. Sounds insects.
  11. Coloured shellfish sect.
  12. Birds of prey.
  13. Murderers.
  14. Peelers?
  15. Metal clothes horse?
  16. Much too much !
  17. Stuck in traffic?
  18. Dark Sunday.
  19. Heavy colour?
  20. Haven in the desert.

Joke Tuesday.

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics ended in mayhem last night after someone in the audience shouted,

"He's behind you!"

Monday, 8 October 2007

True, or not?

Headline in the Sunday Telegraph yesterday.

Why can't a woman win Mastermind? Pass.

These were the exact words.


*wheels off, sharpish*

Sunday, 7 October 2007

Autumn is upon us.

The colours seem to gel, the Robinia Freesia(yellow tree) is amazing at this time of year. Click on the picture and have a browse!

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Wednesday, 3 October 2007


Spanish Goth inadvertently got me all wound up and unnecessary when I read his last post.

This climate change/global warming crap has got really out of control. What a brilliant way to tax the crap out of us all. Based on a load of unsubstantiated data that over half the worlds leading meteorologists and climateologists say is rubbish.The majority seem to say that the planet is going through a normal cyclical period. Global temperatures , taken since 1998, show a slight cooling trend.

So Gordon Brown and his cronies are going to make standard light bulbs a thing of history by 2011, and make us all buy energy saving bulbs, which cost 3 times as much, and don't like being turned on and off too often, (they fail), great! Who's going to pay for all my new lampshades?

These bulbs are made using mercury, which the EU has just stopped our barometer makers from using, in case it gets into landfill. Where are the dud energy saving bulbs going to go?

And, whilst China is opening a new coal-fired power station every 4 days, this is going to save the planet?

Which planet do these people live on?

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Joke Tuesday. (nearly forgot)

A little girl finds her dog dead with its ' legs in the air and asks her Dad why it is like that. Dad explains that it has died, and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven.

The next day she says, "Dad, Mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting , "Oh, Jesus, i'm coming." And if the window cleaner hadn't been holding her down, we'd have lost her!

Roll on winter ?

The photo in this post has been used with the subjects permission.

Can you imagine a Northerly force 7 in mid-winter?
Di, the landlady can't !! This was taken last week, it was cold......but not as cold as it will be!

Monday, 1 October 2007

Carrots !

Now, you wouldn't think a title 'Carrots' would attract much interest. But, I know you lot will come up with a better caption than that. Over to you..........