Friday, 28 November 2008

Pub news.


By now you would have thought that Di,(our ever so lovely landlady) would have realised not to admit her 'faux pas' within my earshot. Although Jez would tell me anyway!

You see, this has happened before,and I'm sure some of you may have experienced the same thing.

Di was spotted by one of the pubs locals in the supermarket walking off with someone elses trolley!

A couple of days ago Di was backing through a doorway going out of the bar. As she pushed the door open with her bum the door handle went through her belt! Trapped! Just as panic stations were building she squirmed free!

Are there no bounds to her talents misdemeanours?

Or have YOU done any better?

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

General stuff.

I have been tagged by RANTZ asking me to name six little known things about myself.

Here goes!

  1. I used to be 6'-21/2'', I'm now 6'-3''!
  2. My favourite meal is roast lamb with mint sauce!
  3. My lucky number is 13, because it's unlucky. (It doesn't work).
  4. I have been engaged once. Luckily it didn't work out!
  5. I hate Christmas!
  6. I'm not really a miserable git! LMAO!!

I wont tag anyone else, but if you want to join in......

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Joke Tuesday!

An Irishman who had had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving all over the place.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,"Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the man.

"Well,"says the cop,"It looks like you've had quite a few this evening."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that a couple of intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"I thought I'd gone deaf!!"

Monday, 24 November 2008

Pub news.

It's bloody cold today, 4c, or 39f, if you like. There is a bitterly cold North-Easterly blowing. I roll up at the pub at the usual time, (i.e opening). There is Di, our ever so lovely landlady behind the bar. As the lunchtime went on it seemed to get progressively colder in the pub. "Di, light the fire", came the calls. She called Jez down, as lighting a cigarette is the limit of Di's Girl Guiding badges!

"We haven't many logs left, that's why i said turn the heating up", he said."Why have you turned the heating off?"

"There are two things and i didn't know which one to press!" was the reply.heating control

We soon had a nice fire going!

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Pub news.

This has been a strange Saturday lunchtime in the pub, particularly the first hour. It was cold here today, 4c tops! When i arrived at the pub i settled myself down and bade farewell to my father and got served by Di(eventually). I put the telly on to watch the football news. Trigger wanders in, as Trigger does. "Hello sexy", he says to Di. "Hello you twat", came the swift reply. "How do Trigger", I said. "It's cold in here",he says. "How do Trigger", I say again, forgeting he is deaf! "YOU OK TRIGGER?" I said in a raised voice. "Eh?", he said. By this time i had given up.


The fire wasn't lit, Jez had laid it but Di doesn't light fires (?). Trigger to the rescue! "I'll sort this out!", said Trigger.

Half an hour later we have a fire.

As a boy scout he'd be a disaster!

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely Landlady went to a neighbouring pub with the skittles team on Monday night to play a league match.

skittles table

This is a weekly night out and Di has been playing turning up for 18+ months now. Anyway, last Monday night, whilst in the Unicorn in Lutterworth, in between throws she went out for a smoke.

On re-entering the pub she stood watching the game,waiting for her throw.

One slight problem arose however. She was in the wrong room watching the wrong game!! After she realised (who are you lot never sprang to mind), there was the task of finding the right room/team. The first door she tried was the pub's kitchen, the second was the broom cupboard!

After a while she found the right room. They lost the match though!

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Joke Tuesday .

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I forgot which I chose.
  2. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
  3. A wife is a sex object. You ask, she objects.
  4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying , "No hard feelings".
  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless used together.
  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
  7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try-Weekly, and Try Weakly.
  8. Virginity can be cured.
  9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
  10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
  13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A French kiss, but down under.
  14. Q: What are the biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks,job sucks, wife doesn't.
  15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts dont have eyes.
  16. Despite the old saying,'Dont take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives.
    1. There will be some hilarity here tomorrow!!

      No John, you've got it wrong. There will be some hilarity TODAY!

      When I promised not to publish this picture I was lying! I had my fingers crossed behind my back. . .

      Monday, 17 November 2008

      General news.

      Reg Varney from 'On The Buses' died yesterday aged 92

      He was a big part of my teenage years of television. I will always remember his battles with Blakey, the inspector.

      Thursday, 13 November 2008

      Pub News - Di's Revenge!

      Di found out that it was her partner, Jez, who slipped the photo of her to John to email to me to create the "Sexy Landlady" magazine.

      Under normal circumstances both John and I would have got a good thumping from her, especially after Jez put photocopies of it around the pub! I managed to escape my good hiding by promising to create another pseudo magazine with a faked-up picture of Jez on it. Poor John was not so fortunate, he got a smack round the head,much to everyones delight!

      Di then surreptitiously slipped a picture of Jez to me. She wanted it to be a surprise, and to teach him a lesson. Remember, this is a secret until she confronts him with it so don't dont tell anyone on t'internet!

      Click the pic for a larger version.

      Wednesday, 12 November 2008

      Pub news!

      You have probably read about Di,(the landlady's) attempts to get me into an Elves costume when she hosts "Santas'" grotto, and Keith's portrayal of me as an elf. Di found this highly amusing and has baited me ever since.

      Now is PAYBACK time! Cheers Keith!!

      Click the picture for a larger image.

      Tuesday, 11 November 2008

      Joke Tuesday.

      Yeah, I remembered!

      Apologies to the Irish community!

      Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd been hit by a train.

      His arm is in a sling and his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

      "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

      "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."

      "That he did," says Paddy, "A f*cking shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

      "Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something to hand?"

      "That I did," said Paddy.

      "Mrs, O'Conner's breast,and a thing of beauty it was but useless in a fight!"

      Friday, 7 November 2008

      Chistmas Elf

      As many of you already know we are having a "Santas Grotto" for the patrons little brats children at the Merrie Monk this year, and John has been granted the honour of being "Santas Little Helper".

      We wheeled him along to Ikea today to get fitted out with his costume. He protested and had a tantrum, but we managed to calm him down with his favourite medication, e.g., 4 cans of "Pedigree" beer.

      I think he looks rather cute. What do you think?

      Wednesday, 5 November 2008

      Joke Wednesday, for one week only!

      OK,OK,I forgot! There's been a lot going on in the Greenwood household these last few days and I thought yesterday was Monday!

      Right,joke time!


      The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers,"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

      This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,"Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?" The mother,surprised, smiles and answers. "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an Oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thities & forties, it's like a Birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"

      "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

      Apologies for the COCK-UP!!!

      Saturday, 1 November 2008

      Pub news.

      It seems that being in a wheelchair and being, in the main, reliant on others for help,which I don't particularly like, is no protection from a hostile source. THE LANDLADY.

      There I was, minding my own business, when there was a clip to my left ear. I turned round to see Di standing next to me with one of those,'It wasn't me' faces on her.

      "What was that for?" I asked."You were there", she said.

      I tell you,I think hallow'een has had an effect on her.

      The broomstick's broken down!