Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Joke Tuesday.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

Monday, 25 April 2011

Pub news.

The Hollybush, my lunchtime "home". It's a strange pub, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way, but compared to The Merry Monk, the level of lunatics is markedly different.

In the Merry Monk, the level of lunacy was quite profound. There were a few contenders, most notably Trigger,who, sometimes just wasn't on the same planet as the rest of us. Then there was Di, our landlady, who was just plain dizzy. Then there is me, who was/is mad enough to start and run this blog!

In the Hollybush, however, there are two main nutters. The "Chairman", who I see every lunchtime, and is part of the "TEAM", and Dave, who is a Sunday lunchtime drinker.

Where these two differ from the loonies in the Monk, is their acid wit. They are the reason for the lack of "pub news" posts. Oh,and the landlord!

I need a tape recorder!!

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my

life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to

the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy

and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the

reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

Monday, 18 April 2011

Pub news.

It's official! The annual Hollybush beer festival is on. The A-Board is out, everything booked and my little video camera is available! Roll on the 13/14/15 of May!

A video coming here soon!

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A passenger airliner has just landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to
a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the
intercom off !
The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the
evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a sh1te and then I
am gonna bang the @rse off that new wee stewardess" Unaware every passenger
has just heard him !!
The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to
confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door.

A wee Glasgow wummin helps her up and says, "Take yir time dear, he`s goin
fur a sh1te first"

Monday, 11 April 2011

Pub news.

Di, the ex-landlady from the Merrie Monk came over to see me today. She's still dizzy! We had a good natter about things and i'll see her again soon.

This is for my good friend KB.

Jake always has a bag of crisps.

It's a dogs life! He's happy now the boss is back from Ireland, watching the rugby and getting pissed!

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Garden news.

It's that time of year again.

I don't recall seeing the tree in such a state of bloom!

Even the magnolia has joined the bloom-fest!

Not to be outdone, magnolia "Susan" is catching up.

More as the spring/summer progresses.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

useless windmills

This picture was taken just up the road from my house.We are about 1 1/2 miles away.

These useless monstrosities cost millions to erect and for minimal power creation,(about 12/15% of alleged maximum output.

If we rely on these things for power the lights will go out!

Incidently, the farmer, whose land they are on gets £17,000 per year, per turbine! We are paying for this!!

The pylons in the foreground are 1/2 a mile nearer. Zoom in to see how 415ft high turbines compare!

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A man was in a long queue at his local Tesco's.
As he got to the till , he realised he had forgotten to get
condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought
up to her.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he
didn't know. Without batting an eyelid, the girl asked him to drop his
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called
over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most
of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the till, he told
the assistant that he too had forgotten to get
condoms and asked if she could have some brought to
her for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One
box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he
had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the till he told the checkout girl he needed some condoms too.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his trousers and reached over the counter, gave him a quick
squeeze then picked up the intercom and said....
(Remember this next time you hear it in the store!...)

" Cleaner to Till 5' please ......

Monday, 4 April 2011

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Hollybush Pub.

John the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience".

The excitement was almost electric as John withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

John the hypnotist said "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" exclaimed John.

It took Paul, the landlord, 4 days to clean up the pub!

Friday, 1 April 2011

Pub news.

A little while ago I posted a blog with a photo of Jake, my mates Spaniel.

This was the photo I used. The other day Jake had a haircut!

Doesn't he look a smart old boy?