Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Joke Tuesday.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK"?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:


Sunday, 9 March 2014

Pub/Home news.

Busy, busy in the pub last week!

Home wise, it's been up and down. The *up* is the Dad got a new driving license for another 3 years! That takes him to 87!!

The *down* is that my mobile stopped working. It's ok on the wi-fi in the pub, but the 3G has packed up.

I rang Vodafone and ordered a Nokia lumia 520, which duly arrived on Friday. What a load of crap it is! It runs Windows 8 , which doesn't get on with my old Android phone, so, I couldn't exchange my contacts from the old phone!

*Down* #2 is that Dad tried to take the back off it for me and broke the screen!!!!

I have to ring them up tomorrow to get a new phone and see what the repercussions are re-the new/old phone!

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Joke Tuesday.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not able to get any at home, but that's no excuse аs I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".