Friday, 26 February 2010

Pub news.

The pub is to undergo a make-over next month. New kitchen, outside paint job and re-surfacing the car park.

This will enable the soaker Di to do some food. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!"

Cheers Keith.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Joke Tuesday.

This is courtesy of the ever so buxom Zoe

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's Mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows raised.

"Oh yes," the Mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the Mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" the Mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her Mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist! "

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Pub news.

There is a band playing at the pub tonight. They have played here before and are very good, however last year, the lead singer went to Australia to work. He has been back for a month and goes back next week, so they are doing a one-off gig for free to support the pub. It should be a great night!

More tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, they are called "SELF ABUSE".

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file..

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her....'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Friday, 5 February 2010

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has a partially flooded cellar. (It's happened for years), but this time the pump has packed up!

Big Al, one of the locals came in and Di asked him to take a look at it. It's terminal, but fortunately she has a borrowed pump down there, so Al swapped them over.

Now, Al usually wears overalls. It's the nature of his work, but today he had jeans and an open collared shirt on. Di said on emerging from the cellar, "Ooh, I've never seen you with clothes on before!"

How do you answer that?

Suggestions please.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Pub news.

For those of you who think this blog is getting too smutty, tough! For those of you who think it isn't smutty on.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady is now running the pub on her own now,(for reasons I won't go into). She is doing a superb job, with the aid of Charlie and her boyfriend Zach, plus some of the locals.

Di had a beer delivery this morning and come lunchtime it was ready to 'tap' the cask ales.

Here's how the conversation went.

"Benno, can you come and help me in the cellar?"

"Yes, what's the problem?"

"'I've got this big black stiff thing that needs hammering into a hole, but the hole's too tight!"

"OK", he said with a bemused look on his face.

barrel tap

This is the item in question, you hammer it in the barrel and connect the pump pipes to it.

Di, came back up and promptly stated, "God, I've had some men in that cellar this week!"

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!"