Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Joke Tuesday.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his girlfriend takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Monday, 24 September 2012

Pub news.

Yesterday lunch was packed. Food is served from 12 'til 8. They serve Lamb, Beef and Chicken. By 3-30 they had run out of Sunday roasts and had to sell the usual menu!

This wasn't a lack of planning, just an unexpected volume of walk-ins.

Luckily, I put my order in when I walked in!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Birdy pics plus.....

Popular feeders.

Great Tit and Goldfinch chick.

Lovely sunset.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Joke Tuesday.

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female!!!!

Monday, 17 September 2012

Dogs #3 part 2.

Ben was fairly easy to train, although it was made harder as Dad had just taken early retirement and I was working. Dad was a bit soft on him, but I knew male Labs needed a firm hand, so I spent all my free time out with him. It soon paid dividends and by one year old he was off the lead all the time with me.

At 18 months a friend of mine said he would like Ben to mate with his bitch, also a black Lab. Fast-track a few months and Ben became the father to ELEVEN pups! I was offered £200 plus the pick of the litter. We settled on £500 and he could sell them all.

Ben was fiercely loyal to me. Any male dog would not be tolerated. (I think this was due to him being attacked as a pup.) There was one dog however that Ben worshipped. I used to walk them both as my friends Dad was getting a bit frail. It used to be quite amusing walking down the disused railway line with Bill and Ben!! Sadly Bill was put down a few years later, but Ben would always rush up to his gate and wait for him not to arrive.

As you may know I suffered a bad accident in 2000, breaking lots of important things and spending 6 months in hospital. Mum and Dad used to visit every other day, as I was up in Sheffield. After 4 months I was finally allowed out of bed, albeit in a body brace. Mum and Dad arrived to find me in my new wheelchair. They took me outside into the car park to inspect the new car, a Ford Focus estate. Dad opened the back, and there was Ben! We hadn't seen each other for 4 months. He went ballistic, I cried my eyes out!

In 2005 Ben was diagnosed with cancer and put to sleep.I cried my eyes out.

He was the best friend I ever had!

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Dogs #3.

Nineteen eighty-nine.

It is eighteen months since we lost Cindy and we have decided to get another dog. I have just taken the keys of my first company car, when Dad says he's found some Black Labrador puppies for sale. The are at a house on a sprawling council estate in the bowels of Leicester.(I'm not being nasty, but you haven't seen this place!)

We arrived in my new car and were led into the back garden to be met by a filthy pit of a place with three puppies. Two were running around playfully. The third one just sat there looking at me saying, "Get me out of here". "We'll have him", I said.

And so it was that Ben became one of the family.

After previous experiences with 9 week old puppies in cars we had taken a large plastic box and some old towels with us. Ben didn't disappoint! When we got him home and cleaned him up I let him into the garden. It was getting dusk and although I knew he couldn't get out I stood watching him. He, being black was quite hard to see and I briefly lost sight of him. Then the 'plop', oh, no, the damn pond! After pulling out a very bedraggled puppy, I thought it best that that was enough for the day.

More tomorrow.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Dogs #2.

We have just completed the move from Manchester to leafy Leire, a small village in South Leicestershire. It is 1973, I am 11. My best mate from school has come down with us for a week to help me settle in. We have fun, visiting Twycross zoo is one of the trips my parents took us on. My Dad said I had a fixation with the vultures!

After my friend went home my parents decided we should go and explore our new surroundings. We ended up on a day out to Stow-on-the-Wold, a beautiful town in the Cotswolds. On the way back my Mum saw a sign in a farm entrance. 'Golden Labrador puppies for sale'. The rest is history.

Two weeks later we made the trip back to Shipston-upon-Stour to pick 'Cindy' up. A 10 week old bundle of trouble. She was a real character from the outset, into everything, including her wicker bed, which she eventually ate! Fortunately that was the only thing she destroyed.

She took on her training very well, and would walk to heel from an early age. Her best friend was a huge German Shepherd called Jasper, whose owner used to join my Mum on morning walks down the disused railway line.(I was at school.)

Holidays! 1976, North Wales, at my Grandparents house. The heatwave year.

We were on the beach at Deganwy estuary. Cindy was in the water waiting for me to chuck stones in for her. She would duck her head under the water and somehow arrive at my feet with the same stone I'd thrown in!

She was a loyal friend. We put her down, aged 15 after her back legs gave in.

Friday, 14 September 2012


My friend Zed wrote a similar missive a few weeks ago and it prompted me to share my doggie tales.

As a five year old in the mid sixties, we lived in a suburb of Manchester. Our 'road' was a cinder track cul-de-sac.(It still is). We had a 3-bed semi with a secure garden at the back.

I asked if I could have a dog to replace the deceased rabbit, budgie and assorted frogs, newts and other animals i'd acquired.

Into our lives came Scamper, a Corgi/Crocodile cross. The first few months were good fun, but, as time went on his behaviour changed. He kept on tunnelling out, chasing postmen, cars, bikes and digging up the neighbours roses. At one stage Dad couldn't even put his food bowl down to feed him without him growling and snapping.

One morning Scamper wasn't around. Dad said he'd escaped and not come back. It wasn't until 1973 when we moved here that I was told that Dad had taken him to the vet, and that the vet said that Scamper was mental and recommend that Dad have him destroyed.

It probably saved me a lot of scars as he was a nasty b*stard!

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Pub news.

A friend of mine was in the pub today with his parents. He has M.S. and is struggling more each month. Today he was in a wheelchair, and once settled onto a pub seat the wheelchair was folded up and put out of the way.

My mate 'Waterboard Mick' came in, and as we were sat chatting he noticed my friends wheelchair in the adjoining room. "Is that your chair in there", he asked. "I'm sat in mine you prat", I replied. "Oh, yes, so I see".


Wednesday, 12 September 2012


Why doesn't anyone comment anymore?

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Joke Tuesday.

A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months"

Thanks to my dear friend Mickle in New Zealand.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Garden news.


Bullfinch chick(right) and Sparrows.

This years Sparrow broods have been really successful. This is about two-thirds of them.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Joke Tuesday.

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'