Saturday, 31 March 2012

Home news.

Dad collapsed this morning. He was fine first thing and drove to the next village to get the papers. He got me dressed, then had his breakfast. He washed up and sat sat down with the sports paper. After about 20 minutes he said he felt rough. Then, a bit later, he decides to get up to go and lie down upstairs. Crash! He hit the floor. I rang the BIL, and he came over with my sister. After much arguing we called an ambulance.

He is now in hospital undergoing tests. I spoke to him this afternoon, and he sounded a lot better. Apparently they found an irregular heart beat.

Will keep you posted.

I have a lot of good friends looking after me, so at least Dad's mind is at rest!

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Garden news.

I'm really pleased how this came out. A male Reed Bunting. Quite rare in the garden, as we have no reeds!

Click know!

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Joke Tuesday.

Banned from Sainsbury's

Didn't like shopping there anyway . . .

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask older people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Pub news.

I stated earlier that the reason for diversifying this blog was due to the lack of lunatics in here. Well, he may not be a lunatic, but the "handyman" surpassed himself today.

"Have you found my phone?" he asked Paul. I had it yesterday. "You were pissed yesterday when I saw you in The Queens Arms." came the reply. "Could you ring them and check there?" No luck. Roger the gas was in and offered to ring the handymans' phone to see if someone answered. "Hang on, I'll just nip out to my van." Ring, ring. "Hello, who's that?" "It's Roger." "I've found my phone. It was on the drivers seat. I've been sat on it all day!"

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Pub news.

As you are aware, I recently took up residence in the Hollybush after the demise of the Merrie Monk. I have used the Hollybush for years, and, in 2007 posted a blog from my youth, The photos are from 1983 (I was 21!).

This has been prompted by a request from an old friend of mine who came in last week with her husband. We reminisced about the old times, and she mentioned that they hadn't seen the photos. So, Marion, here they are!

Mark "cockeye" Conway. Don't ask!

Johnnie, Charlie and Cockeye.

Me and Marion.

Roger, Marion's then boyfriend, sadly no longer with us.

Marion, me, Paul and, ??

Me,(being an idiot) and Nikki(Charlie's girlfriend).

I hope you enjoyed this blast from the past!

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Garden news.

As you might have noticed, I have diversified the blog in recent months. Since The Merrie Monk closed and I moved back to The Hollybush, there just aren't as many lunatics in here to make a soley devoted pub blog viable. I was thinking about starting a new blog, commenting and posting photos about the garden and it's inhabitants, but I thought I would try out the mixture for a while. What do you think?

A Great Tit.

A male Chaffinch in full summer plumage.

"Jenny" Wren.

Apologies for the slightly blurred pics, but they are taken through double glazing, and the little buggers don't stay still very long!!

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Joke Tuesday.

Thought you should know that the book,

Understanding Women, is now

out in paperback.

I'm not saying I necessarily agree with this, or am I grovelling?

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Pub news.

It was steady in the pub this lunchtime. It's usually fairly quiet on a Saturday lunch. I think the men tend to get dragged round the shops.

Sunday is Mothers' day here, and Paul and the team will have their work cut out. He has 184 booked in! I'd better order mine early!

Thursday, 15 March 2012


I need help! No, not that sort. Help with my 'puter,

I tried logging into Facebook on Tuesday afternoon. No problem. I logged out when dinner was served, then logged in afterwards. It asked me for a security code (which I didn't have). I got in touch and filled out the usual crap, and they said they would text the code to my mobile. So far so texts!

It turns out it's my fault, as I put an extra digit in my phone number! I don't know how to change it! Facebook says if I click on my account I can fix it, but they wont let me in! CATCH 22!

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Garden news.

A new addition to our list of different birds visiting the garden. A Lesser Redpoll.

There were six of them. This brings the total of different birds in our garden since 1973 to fifty-four!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Joke/Truth Tuesday!

Hopefully he will run for Prime Minister.
He appears to have what current politicians lack...

Monday, 12 March 2012

More garden pics.

The rest of the Helebore photos.

They've been good this year!

Friday, 9 March 2012

Garden news.

Dads' Helebores are in full bloom. I thought i'd share them with you. A click does enlarge to some extent. Enjoy.

I hope you enjoy these as much as we do! More to come.....

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Pub news.

Busy, busy in the pub today. Apart from the usual walk-ins, there were twenty-two ramblers booked in.

They must have been a hardy bunch, as it was cold and throwing it down with rain! When they arrived, having changed out of their waterproofs, they sat down to eat. A good tip was given, so they must have enjoyed the food!

There's another group booked in tomorrow and at least the weather forecast is favourable.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Joke Tuesday. Long, but worth it!

Senior Banking....

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me; there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.