This has been taken in part from todays Sunday Telegraph.
Just in time for the New Year , we have discovered a useful new concept: the resolution-lite. Reports say that some obliging scientists have discovered that "pottering about" is good for burning off calories. Another group of obliging medical experts say that more people, particularly men in their forties (ME), are risking serious injury by entering the triathlon, or other extreme sport (HELLO)?!
So here are some timely suggestions for 2008:
Set aside 20 mins a day for some serious loitering, just wandering about. Re-tie your shoe laces twice a day, the bending down works wonders! Burn off those calories by blinking. Try stretching by putting the whisky bottle on a higher shelf. Make the sacrifice and switch to dark chocolates. Tone up your thigh muscles by carrying more loose change.
Happy New Year!!
Sunday, 30 December 2007
This has been taken in part from todays Sunday Telegraph.
Thursday, 27 December 2007
We had a bit of fun in the local this lunchtime.It was a big day in the horse racing year, the Welsh Grand National. Keith rolled up and joined in. Also in attendance were Nikki, Charlie(not the peke), Steve and moi. The idea was to pick a horse in each of the televised races and put £1.00 down. If no-one won, it was nearest the winner. Nikki cleaned up after the first roll-over.
Tomorrow we go for the roll-over (I won the penultimate race), no-one won the last.
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
This is for our lovely landlady, Di. She has a Peke called Charlie (say no more)!
Di takes some stick about Charlie, but also hands out some good hidings in return. This is my way of
getting a present some brownie points!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my bloggie friends. Especially those who have helped me with this HTML crap, I will be forever grateful.
Christmas in our house is not a joyous affair these days, so we wander down the garden and through the magic gate that leads to my crazy 'sisters'', and her equally crazy(Welsh) husband. They treat us to a superb lunch,(we supply the vino), and I try to get just drunk enough so I can still walk. Then it's back home for a snooze........perfect!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
It was the happiest day of my life. We arrived at church,she was waiting at the altar. I walked up the aisle, kissed her on the cheek, smiled and then closed the f*cking lid!
Jack & Jill were just married. Jack took his trousers off and told Jill to try them on. Jill said, " they're too big. Jack says,"exactly! I wear the trousers in this marriage".
Jill said,"try my knickers on". Jack said,"I'll never get into them!"
She said, "EXACTLY! And if you don't change your attitude, you never will!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, 13 December 2007
I am a dead man
walkingwheeling. Di, our beloved landlady let slip a little bit of information that yours truly latched onto.
The beer monster asked for two pints of Pedigree and a packet of crisps.
'That reminds me', says Di. 'The crisp and sweet delivery man is coming today, and I love climbing on his wagon to see what he's got for me!'
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
I did't get to the pub on Monday because some tw*t rang up and said his company had taken over the servicing contract for all of Leicestershires wheelchair users. I've had mine for 7 years, and nobody has asked to service it before. I said he could have a look.
"What time?" I asked.
"Between 12.30 and 4.00pm." Great, there's my boozing gone. Do you know what time he turned up? F*cking 4.05pm!! He twizzled the wheels, rattled it a bit and gave me a certificate. TWO minutes! And he saved me money.....the bastard! Why can't these people turn up within an hour of the first time? I could have made the pub, and not got a bollocking off the landlord for affecting his takings. I think he should sue.
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
Policeman on a horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," She replies.
"Well tell him to put a reflector on it next year." He fined her £5.00.
The girl looked up and said, "Nice horse, you get that from Santa?"
"Yes", he chuckles, I sure did.
"Well", she said, "Next year get him to put the pr*ck under the horse!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Ok, so I forgot yesterday!
The Tesco Doctor.
One day,in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
Mike replies; "Listen mate, don't waste your time at the surgery. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs £5.00.....a lot quicker than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample and takes it to Tesco. He deposits £5.00 in the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the sample. He pours it in and waits.
Ten seconds later,the printout arrives:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack took the mixture back to Tesco and paid his £5.00. The print-out was as follows:
1) Your tap water is too hard, get a softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours, get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop wanking your elbow will never get better!
Thank-you for shopping at Tesco.
Keith, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy divorcee, shows up at the "Merrie Monk" pub with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who amazes everybody with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Keith’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His mates in the pub are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Keith, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Keith replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
John G is knocked over, and asked, “So, Grumpy, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Keith says.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Keith smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90, with a dicky heart.”
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Monday, 3 December 2007
Right! We have hundreds of politicians and other associated hangers-on/wankers flying out to Bali for a conference on climate change. How eco-friendly is that? Five star hotels, all expenses paid! Oh, the luxury.
It has been calculated that this conference on "saving" the planet has chucked the same amount of CO2 out as Chad does in a year!
What a load of crap!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, 2 December 2007
I haven't gone far, I still read and comment on blogs where I can, so just be careful what you say!
Don't say too much John, because I could write a few tales about what goes on in that pub that you daren't tell anyone... For instance, didn't I see Di (landlady) threaten you at lunchtime? You thought I wasn't looking! Oh yes, and the episode concerning the dead partridges springs to mind as well.
No, nice people, my blog isn't closed. It's only a temporary thing because I have several other websites that need my attention. I do have two other blogs that I write to under a nom-de-plume (pen name, for the non-French speakers) which seem to attract a lot of hits. They are not on Blogger because I don't have a Google account. As Sandy says, we will not be pressurised into opening one either.
Babs - Maybe I can't yell at you from "Smithy Lane" at the moment but I can yell at you from Johns page, but being such an outstandingly polite gentleman I wont.
Pat - My image as a Grumpy Old Git on "Meonline" doesn't seem to attract many visitors so I'm thinking of changing it from "Smithy Lane" to "Sweet Old Gentleman Who Loves Puppy Dogs, Pussy Cats and Creepy Crawlies" (Why did I suddenly get a mental picture of John then?)
That's all folks, back to your own beds.
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, December 02, 2007
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Keith(grumpy old git) has been working his magic, and with fantastic results! Cheers mate. I would normally out of courtesy linked to his blog, but as the grumpy old git has shut it down because not enough people read it............I wont!
Now I shall get some crap!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, December 01, 2007
Friday, 30 November 2007
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
I had a kebab last night(the same place as usual), and it was very nice. When I got up this morning, all was fine. I had my breakfast,then at 10ish my usual mug of coffee.
Dad took me to the pub at lunch. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable half-way through the 1st pint, you know,a rumbling belly. I realised I wasn't going to finish the drink safetly so I rang Dad up to come and get me as I didn't want any embarrassing mishaps in the bar. I have been drinking water all day, and feel a little better now,but not perfect.
I will see what tomorrow brings............
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Long one this, but worth it!!
This got the whole of Sydney laughing.
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many people DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show.
The DJ's play a game where they award great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is asked to give the name of their partner with phone number. I their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both get a prize.
The Harbour City fell apart at this, read on.
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you heard of 'Mate Match'?'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know the prize, if you win is a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only please.'
DJ: Are you married?'
DJ: Thanks, now I need your wifes first name.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work?'
Brian: She'll kill me for this.'
DJ: 'Stay with me, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: Ok, first question- when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.'
DJ: 'Question #2- How long did it last?'
Brian: About 10 minutes.'
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that otherwise.'
Brian: Yeah, the trip would be good.'
DJ: Ok, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o' clock this morning?'
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummmm, I well.....'
DJ: 'This sounds good, where was it at?'
Brian: 'Her mum was in the shower, so it was on the kitchen table.'
DJ: Atta boy!'
Okay folks, I'll put Brian on hold and get Sara on the phone.
DJ: 'Hello, is that Sara?'
Sara: 'Yes, who's speaking?'
DJ: 'Sara, thi is Ed from FOX-FM. We are live on air and i've been talking to Brian for a while now.'
Sara: (laughing) 'A while?'
DJ: 'Yes, a while. He is on the line with us. He knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sara:(laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer the questions honestly,ok? Be completely honest.'
DJ: Alright, when did you last have sex?'
Sara: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning, about 8.'
DJ: 'Good, next question. How long did it last?'
Sara: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmmmm. That's close enough. One last question, get it right and it's the Gold Coast for you both.
DJ: Where did you have it?'
Sara: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him the truth honey.'
DJ: 'Come on Sara.....where did you have it?'
Sara:'Up the arse........'
They called an ambulance for the DJ, and traffic accidents rose by 40%!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, 25 November 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thursday, 22 November 2007
We had an autopsy in the pub today. (or was it a post mortem)?
What is wrong with our football team? Everybody was blaming the manager, and admittingly he did make a couple of selection and strategical errors last night, but in the end it is down to the players. Once the game starts the manager has minimal input until half-time,or substitutions arise, whichever comes first.
Players who must be/are good at their trade, command astranomical wages, should,as a team be able to adapt to the oppositions game plan and play accordingly. But no. What we saw was an abject lack of on-field leadership. The captain was useless. The rest of them were useless.
Verdict: Sporting suicide.
Roll on the Motorbike racing!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
This is getting harder, as the jokes I've been getting lately are, let's say risque. But here goes, and if you are offended........Sorry (ish).
Little boy having bathtime with mum says, "What's that hairy thing?" Mum says, "It's my sponge."
"Oh, yeah, Auntie Kim has one too, I've seen her washing Dads' face with it."
What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
Black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, 19 November 2007
I have been somewhat lax with my posting of late. I apologise for not filling you with mirth/woe.(Depends how you read it). The reason is HTML. I am trying my best, as Mr.Farty will testify. I have been getting some serious help from Farty, and I thank him from the
heart of my bottom bottom of my heart. But, to date, it appears I am thick.(Keith,If you say a word, I will get one of the lads to shove a fully laden sprout stalk where the sun doesn't shine).
I will conquer this ineptitude eventually, but it will take time.
There will be a joke Tuesday, but then the serious stuff starts! Farty, beware, the e-mails could increase.
See you all on Wednesday!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, November 19, 2007
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
I've just been watching the news. They were going on about the new Eurostar rail-link from St. Pancras. A marvellous piece of work, and long overdue, but what puzzles me is the statements on the news, and in the press, that; "Europe just got closer".
How can this be? Who moved, us or them?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Everyday, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
One day, Camilla decided she wanted to accompany her husband on his daily jog.
As they neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd shout her usual £150 offer, and Camilla would wonder what he'd been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged past he averted his eyes from the hooker.
Then, from the corner, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for £5 you tight bastard?!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, 12 November 2007
Right! This blog of mine doesn't often go along the political tack, but this made my blood boil.
We, the taxpayer, are funding two completely pointless wars, Iraq and Afghanistan, to the tune of billions of pounds. Niether will be won, and only succeed in increasing the threat of Islamic terrorism.
In OUR country, along the coastline, especially East Anglia where coastal defences are an absolute necessity our government has decided to stop building the defences and let the sea claim the land. This at the price of coastal communities, who will lose everything, and have to be re-located because protecting them is deemed not cost-effective!!
I know where I'd rather the money go!!
That is all.
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Now, everyone who has read this Blog knows my incapability to understand HTML. I'd be better off trying to learn Mandarin. But, I have spent the last 3 hours on my other blog(the practice one), trying my hardest. I'm reading the book Keith gave me, 'HTML in easy steps', yeah, righto! I didn't realise I was SOOOOO thick, but I don't know where to start. It's just gobbly-de-gook to me! I tried Brom, his site looked really good, but no, not a f*cking clue!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Thursday, 8 November 2007
I think we may have a replacement for Trigger.
Our lovely landlady Di, it seems is prone to a few 'blonde' moments.
Yesterday she was shopping at the local Aldi store. She stopped along an aisle, looking at various things, loaded some stuff into the trolley, and set off around the store. Only it wasn't her trolley she was loading up! Somehow she managed to find her trolley and unload her shopping without the other person noticing!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
This. I'm afraid, has to be said. No doubt some of my lady
fans readers will find this highly amusing!
Elderly couple are at the doctors, the husband, a little hard of hearing is asked by the doctor for a stool , semen and urine sample. He turns to his wife, and says, "What does he want?"
The wife replies....
"He wants your f*cking underpants!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
OK,I'm bored. Dad is watching The Hunt for Red October for the 1000th time(I jest not). It's a great film, but...........!
So, I did a bit of research and came up with this for you. No Google cheating allowed.
JAMES BOND. I give you the film title, you tell me who sang the theme song.
2. From Russia with love.
5. You only live twice.
6. Diamonds are forever.
7. Live and let die.
8. The Man with the Golden Gun.
9. The Spy who loved me.
10. For your eyes only.
11. A view to a kill.
12. The living daylights.
13. License to kill.
15. Tomorrow never dies.
16. The world is not enough.
17. Die another day.
18. On her Majesty's secret service.
19. Dr. No.
All the best. NO cheating now!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 03, 2007
2. Led Zeppelin.....Whole lotta love
3. Pink Floyd....Shine on you crazy diamond
5. Queen.....Seven seas of Rhye
6. Sade..... Smooth operator
7. Simple Minds.....Don't you (forget about me)
8. Madonna....La isla bonita
9. The Eagles....Lyin' Eyes
10. Duran, Duran.....Rio
11. Sex Pistols......Anarchy in the UK
12. Paul Young........Every time you go away
13. Police........Message in a bottle
14. Dire Straits.......Sultans of swing
15. Duran, Duran.....Union of the snake
And the winner is..........HC and Kev, with 13. Congrats!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, November 03, 2007
Friday, 2 November 2007
This, is obviously a ground floor shot. Normally, at this time of year all the leaves are down, and Dad gets his sweeping-up head on. Makes great compost!
I don't know why the house roofs look so blue though. Any tips?
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, November 02, 2007
Thursday, 1 November 2007
Still no Trigger, I don't know who, if anyone has upset him, but it's been impossible to since i've known him.
Anyway, Di, the boss lady has this Pekenese (a canine push-me-pull-you), and the other day it was upstairs with her. She was on the phone, when a movement caught her eye. Her pillow was meandering across the bed! She called Jez(boss man) up to see what was happening. Charlie, the Peke had crawled inside the pillow cover, and unable to get out, carried on walking. The edge of the bed loomed just as Jez caught him.
And they didn't video it!!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, November 01, 2007
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
A man fancies a woman in his office, but she has a boyfriend. He approaches her anyway and offers her £1000 to have sex with him.
I'll throw the money on the ground, you bend over, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She consults her boyfriend, and he advises her to ask for £3000. Pick it up really quick, and he wont have a chance.
Half an hour later he calls to find out what the delay is. She says:
"The bastard used coins!!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, 27 October 2007
Song and Artist please!
- I still don't know what i'm looking for.......
- You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin'.............
- Remember when you were young.........
- There's this girl, that's been on my mind.............
- Fear me, you Lords and Lady preachers..............
- He's laughing with another girl, and playing with another heart..........
- Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Ohhh............
- Como puede ser verdad, Last night I dreamt of San Pedro.............
- City girls just seem to find out early.............
- Wow! Moving on the floor now babe...............
- Right now, I am an antichrist...............
- Hey, if we can't solve any problems.............
- Just a castaway..................
- You get a shiver in the dark..........
- Telegram force and ready, I knew this was a big mistake............
Good luck, I'll leave this up a little longer before the answers come out.
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, 26 October 2007
I was watching the news earlier when they started interviewing a Dr. LOTZOF. This got me thinking. What's the strangest/funniest name you've heard? You don't need to know them, but the name must be real.
A friend of mine maintains to this day he knew a Hugh JARSOLL!
So, come on, think. You don't have to know them, but they must be real, and if anyone, and I mean ANYONE says DEADWOOD, they're in big trouble!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, October 26, 2007
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Now you're all thinking what the f**k now! What has he got now?
Well ladies, this is just for you. You will see I am not someone who systematically takes the piss out of the fairer sex. (You can't wait for this, can you?).
Three men and three women are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?', asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn', came the reply.
They all board the train. The three men all sit down, whereas the women all cram into the toilet.
The conductor comes round collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket please'. The door opens a fraction and a ticket is passed over. The conductor carries on.
The men see this happen and agree it was a clever idea; so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the way back and save some money.
When they reach the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy a ticket at all!
'How are you three going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn', comes the answer.
When they board the train the men cram themselves into the toilet.
Just after departure, one of the women gets up and walks over to the gents toilet, knocks on the door, and says...........'Tickets please'.
Bask in your glory, I'll be back !!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
The ever so slightly mad Karmyn has tagged me with this. What would I do if I was rich and famous, what would my demands be?
- Firstly, a Swedish au pair, preferably a practicing nymphomaniac.
- Then, a chef to save Dad cooking!
- A chauffeur to ferry me to the pub and back. (Already got that!). Thanks Dad!
- A cleaner to save Dad doing it. Maybe the au pair could double up?
- Another au pair to cover for the first ones holidays. (I am not too harsh on employees).
- A black Labrador. I really miss my last one!
- Visit all my bloggie friends! That would be tops!!
- Get my body functioning again, like it used to.
- Nothing else, I am pretty happy with my lot.
I thought I was famous !
What's the difference between PMT & BSE ?
One attacks the cows brain and sends it f*cking mental,and apparently the other is an agricultural problem.......
*I'm off, before the shit hits the fan!*
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, 22 October 2007
Saturday, 20 October 2007
You may, or may not know about Nikki. She is the owner of Larry the queer horse. Nikki is also a milkwoman. No story there I here you say........but!
Nikki has just started a new round, and in learning said round had to go out with the outgoing person to learn the ropes.
On this particular day they had to go and deliver to a place called Croft quarry. This is a working quarry, and as such is required by law to have a wheel wash for the lorries leaving the site. Nikki always has the window down, but the driver didn't tell her about the wheel wash!
Straight in, all over her, soaked............I didn't laugh!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, October 20, 2007
Thursday, 18 October 2007
We still have no sign of Trigger, but my hopes for the survival of 'PUBLOG' were surprisingly given a boost today.
Di, the LANDLADY, had made some freshly filled rolls, (cobs here), and bought them out to put in the small fridge on the bar. Now the rolls are usually stuffed full of various fillings, and because it seems like Di uses a chainsaw to 'slice' the cheese or ham, etc, they normally require a snakes ability to dislocate ones mouth to be able to bite them. Good value for £1.20.
However, today she spotted two in the fridge that looked a little sparse on the filling side. All wrapped up nicely with cling-film, except there wasn't anything in them!!
And she TOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. They are priced at £300, £150, and £15.
"Why is the last one so cheap, he looks the best?"
"He used to live in a brothel", replies the owner.
"I dont mind ," she says, "I'll take him".
When she gets home, the parrot says, "F*ck me, not another new brothel!"
The woman laughs.
When her daughters arrive home the parrot says, "F*ck me! Two new whores!"
The girls laugh.
Dad arrives, and the parrot says,
"F*ck me! Pete, I haven't seen you for ages!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Sunday, 14 October 2007
This is for a bloggie friend, and for me, as it bought back so many happy memories. It is also dedicated to Roger, RIP mate! Yamaha RD200, 1979. My first bike, aged 17. I skipped the moped stage because Mum wouldn't let me have one!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, October 14, 2007
Friday, 12 October 2007
I know I've given Di, the landlady a bit of grief over her push-me-pull-you dog, but she hit me with a reply that shocked me to the core.
They are having a Hallo'een disco with a fancy dress theme. One of the lads asked if I would be dressing up. I replied that I would come as I was. To which Di said,
"You'll win hands down!!"
WalkWheel into that, why don't I !!*
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, October 12, 2007
Thursday, 11 October 2007
I don't usually do politics, it seems far too contentious for a blog. Especially this one! But as I tippy-type away, I am listening to a programme on BBC2, called Why Democracy? The Ministry of Truth.
Proposing his own Misrepresentation of the People bill, Richard Symons listens to Jack Straw, Harriet Harmon and Lord Falconer tell him why it's unrealistic for politicians to be held accountable for what they tell the electorate.
Am I missing something here ??
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Well done you all, a good effort. The non-prize goes to Mr. Farty, who only got two wrong!
- Colour, chef.......Pink Floyd
- Heavy balloon.........Led Zeppelin
- Male/female guns.......Sex Pistols
- Chilly apes........Arctic Monkeys
- Traitor vicar............Judas Priest
- The beginning.............Genesis
- Hurry up..........Rush
- Are you enjoying this.......Yes
- Sounds like insects..............Beatles
- Coloured shellfish sect............Blue Oyster Cult
- Birds of prey........Eagles
- Metal clothes horse.............Iron Maiden
- Much too much..........INXS
- Stuck in a rut.................Jam
- Dark Sunday..........Black Sabbath
- Heavy colour........Deep Purple
- Haven in the desert............Oasis
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Guess the band. Some clues are cryptic, so think laterally.
- Coloured chef?
- Heavy balloon?
- Male/Female guns?
- Chilly apes.
- Traitor, vicar?
- The beginning.
- Hurry up !
- Are you enjoying this?
- Sounds insects.
- Coloured shellfish sect.
- Birds of prey.
- Metal clothes horse?
- Much too much !
- Stuck in traffic?
- Dark Sunday.
- Heavy colour?
- Haven in the desert.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Monday, 8 October 2007
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Thursday, 4 October 2007
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Spanish Goth inadvertently got me all wound up and unnecessary when I read his last post.
This climate change/global warming crap has got really out of control. What a brilliant way to tax the crap out of us all. Based on a load of unsubstantiated data that over half the worlds leading meteorologists and climateologists say is rubbish.The majority seem to say that the planet is going through a normal cyclical period. Global temperatures , taken since 1998, show a slight cooling trend.
So Gordon Brown and his cronies are going to make standard light bulbs a thing of history by 2011, and make us all buy energy saving bulbs, which cost 3 times as much, and don't like being turned on and off too often, (they fail), great! Who's going to pay for all my new lampshades?
These bulbs are made using mercury, which the EU has just stopped our barometer makers from using, in case it gets into landfill. Where are the dud energy saving bulbs going to go?
And, whilst China is opening a new coal-fired power station every 4 days, this is going to save the planet?
Which planet do these people live on?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
A little girl finds her dog dead with its ' legs in the air and asks her Dad why it is like that. Dad explains that it has died, and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven.
The next day she says, "Dad, Mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting , "Oh, Jesus, i'm coming." And if the window cleaner hadn't been holding her down, we'd have lost her!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Monday, 1 October 2007
Friday, 28 September 2007
I have to make a story from the song titles of an album. ( It's a return favour).
"Right", said God, "I'm fed up with this sh*t dress rehearsal rag, it sucks. Adam, stop touching Eve up , and pay attention."
Adam, " I wasn't doing anything wrong, just fitting her for your famous blue raincoat."
God, "Oh, for f*cks sake, that piece of crap is soooo much last years, man!"
Adam, "But it's the one I made with those diamonds in the mine."
God was a bit pissed off with all this stalling, so he made Eve pregnant, and being God rushed the pregnancy through. Cain and Abel were soon born into this world that only took six days to make , don't forget.
"Eve, pick those f*cking apples up, or there'll be an avalanche of them soon.
"Piss off dad, there's a f*cking snake in the tree!"
God said,"Don't you talk to me like that, you tart!
Adam, "you see Eve, love calls you by your name."
God, "I suppose there'll be another dress rehearsal rag now?"
Eve, "No, Joan of Arc's cancelled, her agent said she has another burning issue."
Adam and Eve in unison, "Sing another song , boys."
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 28, 2007
THIS IS SERIOUS !!
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, The University of Lesotho said scientists revealed that beer contains female hormones.
Men should take a good look at their beer consumption. The theory is that hops contain Phytoestrogens and that by drinking too much beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints each. Within 1 hour it was then observed that 100% of the test subjects developed the following symptoms:
1. Argued over nothing
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3. Talked excessively without making sense
4. Became overly emotional
5. Couldn't drive
6. Failed to think rationally
7. Gained weight
8.Had to sit down when urinating
No further testing was deemed necessary.
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, 27 September 2007
At the request of a good bloggy friend............ Artist and track please.
- A long time ago came a man on a track........
- You saw me standing by the wall, corner of a main street........
- How many special people change, how many lives are living strange.......
- While the sun hangs in the sky and the desert has sand.........
- I got to have a shot of what you got is oh so sweet......
- I been laid off from work, my rent is due, my kids all need brand new shoes..........
- Mother doesn't know where love has gone.......
- I sit and wait.......
- It's been seven hours and fifteen days......
- Wont you come see about me........
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque, but pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Great", she sighs,
"Some arseholes got my pen!"
A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed, and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect,to which one of her sons says,
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, 23 September 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, 20 September 2007
I think this has been done before, but here goes.
I give you the opening line, you tell me the artist and the track, ( I like rock music, 70's/80's).
- There's a lady who knows........
- I awoke this morning, love laid me down by the river........
- Down from the glen came the marching men.......
- The dogs of war........
- Ground control to Major Tom........
- She keeps a Moet et Chandon........
- Just a castaway.......
- Look up on the wall, then down on the floor......
- These mist covered mountains..............
- If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?..........
Good luck !
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
A couple of days ago I got tagged by Spanish Goth, he's mad, as you might well know! Anyway, I have to describe a dream. I do dream occaisionally, but never really recall much. Until last night!
I don't know what sparked this one off.
I was on my motorbike, a Honda CB900 F2. I have no idea where I was, nor why I was where I didn't know where I was. (Where was I)? Oh, yes, hurtling along down meandering country lanes, covered in smoooooth black tarmac (the road, not me), when a wheelchair suddenly appeared in front of me. I slammed the brakes on and took evasive action, just missing the chair. I stopped and looked back at the tw*t in the wheelchair in the middle of the road. He was grinning. It was me!
I have never had a dream before with the wheelchair in it.
I guess I was pushing my luck 20 years ago!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Sorry, but I will * the swear words out.
Husband and wife on 10th wedding anniversary. The wife undresses and says, "What did you think 10 years ago?"
He says," I wanted to f*ck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"
She asks, "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, 17 September 2007
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Garden rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing a UFO anymore?
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Who was it who first looked at a cow and said,"I'll just squeeze those dangly bits and drink whatever comes out?"
- Who was the first person to say,"See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
- Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- Do illiterate people get the full benefit of Alphabet soup?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, September 17, 2007
Saturday, 15 September 2007
Friday, 14 September 2007
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions". To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing whilst you're having an orgasm?" She replies,
"Probably having a drink with his mates!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Nikki has sent me these two photos of Larry. He seems normal enough, as far as horses go. You know, four legs, tail. head. But she did admit the other day that he wasn't the full ticket! I leave it in your hands, bloggers. That's Nikki perched on top.
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
This is 20 times longer than my usual posts, but is soooooo funny it will,at some stage make you laugh out loud!
If you have lived in Natal, apparently you will know about this.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
Judge#3(Frank) was an inexperienced food critic visitng from America, and had been invited by the other two judges (Natal Indians), to join the panel. The food wouldn't be too spicy, and besides the lager was free.
Here are the scorecards:
CURRY#1-SEELANS MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge#1-A little too much tomato. amusing kick.
Judge#2-Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge#3(Frank)-Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint with that. Took two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY#2- PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN...
Judge#1-Smoky, with a hint of chilli. Slight tang.
Judge#2-Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs boosting.
Frank - Keep this away from children. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! More lager.
CURRY#3- SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge#1- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge#2- A bit salty. Good use of chilli.
Frank - Call 911. I've located uranium pills. My nose feels like I've been snorting drain cleaner. Get me some beer before I ignite! I'm getting pissed.
CURRY#4- LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge#1- Meaty, strong curry. Very impressive.
Judge#2- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Frank - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off me, I cannot focus anymore. I farted and four people behind me needed medical treatment. It pisses me off as the other two judges tell me to stop screaming. Screw them. More beer.
CURRY#5- SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge#2- Ho hum, tedious. (I should note that I am a little cocerned about Frank)
Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
Curry#6- NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLER...
Judge#1- The perfect end. Not too bold.
Judge#2- A good finale. Well balanced. Sorry most of it was lost when Frank farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot on top of himself. I don't think he'll make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
Frank- No report.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, 10 September 2007
Sunday, 9 September 2007
The pub hasn't been the same without Trigger. We still don't know what's going on. One idiot, who has become something of a regular came in. Guesses in comments!
Nikki, who you have been acquainted with before has a horse called Larry(?). Anyway, she recently moved Larry(I think the horse is gay) to a new pasture, last week I believe. This weekend, the farmer is holding a WW2 re-enactment, bombs, cannons, guns, tanks and Spitfires and Messerschmidts flying around(as aircraft do). Nikki was a bit concerned that the noise might upset him, but he seemed alright, which was just as well as her B/F is in Germany on a
jollypiss-up, and wouldn't have been around to help anyway. But all is calm, and a couple of Stellas later, she was serenity personified!
She reads this sometimes so I have to be REALLY careful!
Would you call a horse Larry?
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, September 09, 2007
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Friday, 7 September 2007
I am at a loss as to where Trigger is. If I find out he's alright, then he will get a bollocking for ruining my blog! If he has problems, he will have my support.
Either way, it would be good to hear some nonsense again!
Problem in the pub tomorrow. England.v. Israel. Football, BBC1 5.00pm kick off.
England. v. USA . Rugby World Cup ITV1 5.00pm kick off.
Who wins ?
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 07, 2007
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
God sent the Archangel Gabriel to sort out a dispute kicking off in Egypt. The Pharoahs were playing hell about people raiding their pyramids.
"Look, Gabriel, tell them to stop f*cking about, and while you're down there tell Harrison Ford and his Dad to piss off. And tell that director bloke yawping into that loudspeaker, that if he doesn't shut the f*ck up, I'm going to sellotape his gob shut, noisy tw*t!"
"Gabriel, you haven't shut that loud speaker up yet, I can hear that arsehole Peter Kay singing 'show me the way to armadillo' Turn the f*cker off!"
The next day dawns bright and sunny, hot in fact. Gabriel is a bit pissed off because the chocolate he was given by god has melted, and just staring at the gloopy mass on the plate is making the saliva pour from his mouth.
Completely fed up, he picks up his trombone, and starts playing. No sound! Strange. On closer inspection, someone has covered the mouthpiece with latex.
He notices a strange smell after taking the rubbery latex off, but the trombone still wont play. Why has god put gorgonzola in the trombone?
Because he's a cheesy faggot!! Guess the 10 words!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Monday, 3 September 2007
Trigger hasn't been in this weekend, which is odd, (bit like him really), so my blogging content regarding the pub is somewhat diminished. As a result, you get a rather funny joke sent from a friend of mine.
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an advert in the local paper that read:
Husband wanted: Must be in my age group (70's), must not beat me, must not play around & must still be good in bed!!!! All applicants, please apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, "You're not expecting me to cosider you, are you? Just look at you! No legs!
The old man smiled,"Therefore i can't play around!"
She replied, "You have no arms either!"
"So I can't beat you." he said.
She raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said,
I rang the doorbell, didn't I !?"
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, September 03, 2007
Saturday, 1 September 2007
I don't usually like back to back posts, as once people have read the original they rarely return. But Keith didn't tell me he was going to post here, although he has my full permission to. A good post it was too! So, this is to check my theory.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and presto, the blockage will be instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself whilst slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them whilst you chop away.
3. For those of you with high blood pressure,simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. Don't forget a timer!
4. Avoid arguements with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough!
7. Have toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up the chance to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up, congratulations: you get a second chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends: you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, September 01, 2007
Friday, 31 August 2007
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
About two months ago a very dear friend of our family, of over 30 years, who lived 200 yrds up the road died. The house was empty as her daughter awaited the legal stuff to go through.
On Sunday, some scumbags smashed down the front door and ransacked the place.
What is the matter with this country? We live in a small village. Someone knew that house was empty.
I know what I'd do with the bastards, and it aint pretty!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, 28 August 2007
A BOTTLE OF MERLOT!
A Texan gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the bottle over and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine for a second, not looking at the man, decided to send a reply note. The waiter duly passed the note on.
"For me to accept this bottle, you need a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The reply came back, it read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes AMG600, and a Porsche Turbo. Homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a beautiful woman like you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, 27 August 2007
All join in. A mate mentioned something he'd heard on Radio 2. Unanswered questions.
1. What did the person who invented the drawing board design it on, and did he go back to it ?
2. How did they know how much fuel it would take to get to the moon and back ?
3. Why is learning HTML harder than learning Mandarin ?
4. Where did the word FORMICA come from ?
5. Why am I writing this drivel ?
6. Where is Yaxlich ?
7. Where do chickens keep their nuggets ?
More questions please, I know I can rely on you!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, 26 August 2007
Guest Blog by Keith
I went to the pub today for a quiet Sunday drink with John, but it turned out to be anything but quiet. Apparently I had just missed Trigger, he went home early to day.
Propping up the bar was the Poacher, the Poacher's Dad, and the Poachers Dad's Brother, and various other dubious regulars. As usual the bar was groaning under the weight of various tit-bits and nibbles so I bought a pint, grabbed a handful of sausage rolls and joined John.
Last Wednesday the Poacher had bagged a load of wild pigeons and his father had cleaned and prepared them for human consumption by "smoking" them, and was selling them in the pub. John very kindly bought me one and explained how to carve and eat it. Apparently there is an art in it. There were a few left and the Poachers Dad was sitting at the bar cutting them up and distributing them around the pub. He offered a bit to the sweet young thing serving behind the bar. She wrinkled her nose up at it and said "No way!", but Poachers Dad persuaded her to put it in her mouth (the pigeon that is!). She went the colour of chalk and promptly spat it out into the waste bin.
I can't understand the youngsters of today, they will eat a fast-food burger that has probably got the complete cow, i.e., lips, nose, eyeballs and testicles in it, but they are revolted by a nice juicy fat pigeon prepared country-style!
The Poacher's Uncle had brought Jess; a vicious little terrier, in today. Now this bitch has an attitude problem insomuch that it hates everything that is human-shaped, except her master of course. She is a little bastard to put it mildly. She bares her teeth and her little beady eyes are ablaze with anger if you even so much as look at her.
Now Nikki, another character in the pub, who is blonde and attractive with a nice figure and wears tight sweat shirts, tight jodphurs and kinky boots (yes, she really does have a horse!) said that she could calm Jess down and stroke her. She has this "if I can break a horse in", she can "break a dog in" type of attitude. She approached Jess and even I could see that this fiend was waiting until she got within snapping distance before attacking. As you can see in the picture that is precisely what happened. Luckily only Nikkis pride was hurt and not her fingers because the "dog-crocodile" was on a short lead.
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, August 26, 2007
Saturday, 25 August 2007
Di, battered Trigger with an aluminium tray.
"What was that for?" enquired a puzzled Trigger.
"That's for later on, when you deserve it and I haven't got the tray!"
Trigger asked Bushy, if he was coming out for a cigarette break.
Bushy, "I'm not being seen outside with you, it'll do my cred no good at all!"
The Poachers' brother came in. They had been over to Norfolk, fishing, but there was so much water about that it wasn't worth staying.
Trigger said he was glad he hadn't gone to see them this morning, and in any case he couldn't find the place on his map.
"I'll have to get sat-nav." says Trigger.
"You'd be better off with twat-nav!" came Bushy's reply.
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, 24 August 2007
We have a big problem in this country at present. It has been around for some years now.
Why are teenagers shooting each other?
Rhys Jones didn't deserve that. Who does, apart from the lowlife who pulled the trigger. I don't care how young he is, he knew the consequences!
Am I the only one who sees a link with the abolition of corporal punishment in schools, and the coming to prominence of the politically correct brigade?
We have 'lost' a generation, let's not lose another!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 24, 2007
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
Saturday, 18 August 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 18, 2007
This has come from Di, the landlady.
Yesterday evening she was walking her dog. A car pulled up along side, the window wound slowly down.
"You looking for some business, darling?"
She didn't recognize the car until she got back to the pub.
Large battering! Two in one day!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, 17 August 2007
Showdown today, I think it was a draw on points.
Jez, Di's other half is selling his old Austin Riley. Trigger asked Di, if he was looking for a newer model.
Di: "What are you saying?"
Trigger: "If you got in , he could sell Old Mother Riley too, as a job lot!"
Cue a good battering.
A while later Trigger was talking to one of the lads when Di overheard him say:
"I do the odd miracle you know".
Di: "How about a disappearing act!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Safeway's with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The doorman says, "Good morning and welcome to Safeways, nice children you have. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman snarls: "Of course they bloody aren't! That one's nine, and the other's seven. Do they look like twins you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the doorman, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Sob, where's my blog?
- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator- " And this is the Bulgarian girl. I saw her snatch this morning, and it was amazing!"
- New Zealand Rugby commentator- "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him.
- Ted Walsh- Horse racing commentator- "This is a really lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Harry Carpenter at the Boat race 1977-"Aahh, Isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
- US PGA commentator- "One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God, what have I just said??"
- Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
- A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, so did half the crew, they were laughing so much!
- Steve Ryder covering the US Masters- "Seve felt much better today after that 69 yesterday."
- Clair Frisby on Look North, talking about a jumbo hot dog said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
- Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold, they're rubbing each other, and he's only come in his shorts."
Favourites on a postcard!!
Off to try and find my pet blog.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, 13 August 2007
Firstly, my thanks to Shaz for the award, I am honoured!
Secondly, what does the landlady do when Trigger tells her and Sharon that the reason he is quiet is that he can't get a word in edgeways with two f**king women yawping behind the bar?
Answer, she comes round and batters him!! (I can't tell you what he actually said, I'm a gentleman you know!)
I can't wait for joke Tuesday!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, August 13, 2007
Saturday, 11 August 2007
I swear this place gets worse.
Main characters. Bush.
There are tables outside the front of the pub for the smoking brigade. ( not me, no siree).
Trigger goes out for a cigarette.
Bush:"Landlord, you want him round the back. All the potential customers take one look at him and drive past. They think it's an old folks home!"
The landlord goes out to tell Trigger what Bush has recommended.
Two fingers appear at the window.
Trigger comes back in to finish his pint.
Trigger: The women would flock in if i'd taken the viagra tablet.
Stunned silence, then much mirth! Good old Trigger!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, 10 August 2007
I discovered today that someone I know from the pub has been reading this tome of nonsense.
So, Mr. Shenton, get rid of that girlie bike you've got, and get a PROPER bike!!
And feel free to leave a comment.
BTW, Sharon, who has looked after the pub since Monday, whilst Di & Jez have been away has done a sterling job, even belting someone for accidentally tripping her up . He was pissed apparently!
Trigger nearly caught a right hander from Sharon today.......He came in! Sharon is not used to seeing Trigger on a week-day afternoon, so it came as something of a shock to her.
Me: "All right Trigger?"
Sharon:"What the f**k are you doing here?"
Trigger:"Pedigree please." (Pedigree is the local brew).
Strange look to me from Sharon.
Me:"He's a bit deaf."
Sharon:"That's all I need!"
Sharon:"I need a cigarette!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 10, 2007
Well, I don't know what that was. Got me somewhat worried. Thanks for your help/concerns, and special thanks to Keith, who has access to this site and immediately went looking for cures.
Thinking about it, it was probably him anyway!! ( Only joking!! )
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, August 10, 2007
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
Irish woman on holiday in the Carribean, meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asks his name. He says. "You'll laugh if I tell you".
She says she wont. He says : "My name is SNOW".
She laughs, and says," My husband will never believe I've had 10" of snow each night in the Carribean!!
Nothing against the Irish!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Saturday, 4 August 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, August 04, 2007