I have to make a story from the song titles of an album. ( It's a return favour).
"Right", said God, "I'm fed up with this sh*t dress rehearsal rag, it sucks. Adam, stop touching Eve up , and pay attention."
Adam, " I wasn't doing anything wrong, just fitting her for your famous blue raincoat."
God, "Oh, for f*cks sake, that piece of crap is soooo much last years, man!"
Adam, "But it's the one I made with those diamonds in the mine."
God was a bit pissed off with all this stalling, so he made Eve pregnant, and being God rushed the pregnancy through. Cain and Abel were soon born into this world that only took six days to make , don't forget.
"Eve, pick those f*cking apples up, or there'll be an avalanche of them soon.
"Piss off dad, there's a f*cking snake in the tree!"
God said,"Don't you talk to me like that, you tart!
Adam, "you see Eve, love calls you by your name."
God, "I suppose there'll be another dress rehearsal rag now?"
Eve, "No, Joan of Arc's cancelled, her agent said she has another burning issue."
Adam and Eve in unison, "Sing another song , boys."
Friday, 28 September 2007
I have to make a story from the song titles of an album. ( It's a return favour).
THIS IS SERIOUS !!
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, The University of Lesotho said scientists revealed that beer contains female hormones.
Men should take a good look at their beer consumption. The theory is that hops contain Phytoestrogens and that by drinking too much beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints each. Within 1 hour it was then observed that 100% of the test subjects developed the following symptoms:
1. Argued over nothing
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3. Talked excessively without making sense
4. Became overly emotional
5. Couldn't drive
6. Failed to think rationally
7. Gained weight
8.Had to sit down when urinating
No further testing was deemed necessary.
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, 27 September 2007
At the request of a good bloggy friend............ Artist and track please.
- A long time ago came a man on a track........
- You saw me standing by the wall, corner of a main street........
- How many special people change, how many lives are living strange.......
- While the sun hangs in the sky and the desert has sand.........
- I got to have a shot of what you got is oh so sweet......
- I been laid off from work, my rent is due, my kids all need brand new shoes..........
- Mother doesn't know where love has gone.......
- I sit and wait.......
- It's been seven hours and fifteen days......
- Wont you come see about me........
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque, but pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Great", she sighs,
"Some arseholes got my pen!"
A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed, and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect,to which one of her sons says,
"I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, 23 September 2007
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, 20 September 2007
I think this has been done before, but here goes.
I give you the opening line, you tell me the artist and the track, ( I like rock music, 70's/80's).
- There's a lady who knows........
- I awoke this morning, love laid me down by the river........
- Down from the glen came the marching men.......
- The dogs of war........
- Ground control to Major Tom........
- She keeps a Moet et Chandon........
- Just a castaway.......
- Look up on the wall, then down on the floor......
- These mist covered mountains..............
- If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?..........
Good luck !
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
A couple of days ago I got tagged by Spanish Goth, he's mad, as you might well know! Anyway, I have to describe a dream. I do dream occaisionally, but never really recall much. Until last night!
I don't know what sparked this one off.
I was on my motorbike, a Honda CB900 F2. I have no idea where I was, nor why I was where I didn't know where I was. (Where was I)? Oh, yes, hurtling along down meandering country lanes, covered in smoooooth black tarmac (the road, not me), when a wheelchair suddenly appeared in front of me. I slammed the brakes on and took evasive action, just missing the chair. I stopped and looked back at the tw*t in the wheelchair in the middle of the road. He was grinning. It was me!
I have never had a dream before with the wheelchair in it.
I guess I was pushing my luck 20 years ago!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Sorry, but I will * the swear words out.
Husband and wife on 10th wedding anniversary. The wife undresses and says, "What did you think 10 years ago?"
He says," I wanted to f*ck your brains out and suck your tits dry!"
She asks, "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, 17 September 2007
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Garden rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out easily, it is a valuable plant.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing a UFO anymore?
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Who was it who first looked at a cow and said,"I'll just squeeze those dangly bits and drink whatever comes out?"
- Who was the first person to say,"See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
- Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- Do illiterate people get the full benefit of Alphabet soup?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, September 17, 2007
Saturday, 15 September 2007
Friday, 14 September 2007
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions". To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing whilst you're having an orgasm?" She replies,
"Probably having a drink with his mates!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Nikki has sent me these two photos of Larry. He seems normal enough, as far as horses go. You know, four legs, tail. head. But she did admit the other day that he wasn't the full ticket! I leave it in your hands, bloggers. That's Nikki perched on top.
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
This is 20 times longer than my usual posts, but is soooooo funny it will,at some stage make you laugh out loud!
If you have lived in Natal, apparently you will know about this.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
Judge#3(Frank) was an inexperienced food critic visitng from America, and had been invited by the other two judges (Natal Indians), to join the panel. The food wouldn't be too spicy, and besides the lager was free.
Here are the scorecards:
CURRY#1-SEELANS MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge#1-A little too much tomato. amusing kick.
Judge#2-Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge#3(Frank)-Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint with that. Took two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY#2- PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN...
Judge#1-Smoky, with a hint of chilli. Slight tang.
Judge#2-Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs boosting.
Frank - Keep this away from children. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! More lager.
CURRY#3- SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge#1- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge#2- A bit salty. Good use of chilli.
Frank - Call 911. I've located uranium pills. My nose feels like I've been snorting drain cleaner. Get me some beer before I ignite! I'm getting pissed.
CURRY#4- LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge#1- Meaty, strong curry. Very impressive.
Judge#2- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Frank - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off me, I cannot focus anymore. I farted and four people behind me needed medical treatment. It pisses me off as the other two judges tell me to stop screaming. Screw them. More beer.
CURRY#5- SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge#2- Ho hum, tedious. (I should note that I am a little cocerned about Frank)
Frank - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
Curry#6- NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLER...
Judge#1- The perfect end. Not too bold.
Judge#2- A good finale. Well balanced. Sorry most of it was lost when Frank farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot on top of himself. I don't think he'll make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
Frank- No report.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Monday, 10 September 2007
Sunday, 9 September 2007
The pub hasn't been the same without Trigger. We still don't know what's going on. One idiot, who has become something of a regular came in. Guesses in comments!
Nikki, who you have been acquainted with before has a horse called Larry(?). Anyway, she recently moved Larry(I think the horse is gay) to a new pasture, last week I believe. This weekend, the farmer is holding a WW2 re-enactment, bombs, cannons, guns, tanks and Spitfires and Messerschmidts flying around(as aircraft do). Nikki was a bit concerned that the noise might upset him, but he seemed alright, which was just as well as her B/F is in Germany on a
jollypiss-up, and wouldn't have been around to help anyway. But all is calm, and a couple of Stellas later, she was serenity personified!
She reads this sometimes so I have to be REALLY careful!
Would you call a horse Larry?
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, September 09, 2007
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Friday, 7 September 2007
I am at a loss as to where Trigger is. If I find out he's alright, then he will get a bollocking for ruining my blog! If he has problems, he will have my support.
Either way, it would be good to hear some nonsense again!
Problem in the pub tomorrow. England.v. Israel. Football, BBC1 5.00pm kick off.
England. v. USA . Rugby World Cup ITV1 5.00pm kick off.
Who wins ?
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, September 07, 2007
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
God sent the Archangel Gabriel to sort out a dispute kicking off in Egypt. The Pharoahs were playing hell about people raiding their pyramids.
"Look, Gabriel, tell them to stop f*cking about, and while you're down there tell Harrison Ford and his Dad to piss off. And tell that director bloke yawping into that loudspeaker, that if he doesn't shut the f*ck up, I'm going to sellotape his gob shut, noisy tw*t!"
"Gabriel, you haven't shut that loud speaker up yet, I can hear that arsehole Peter Kay singing 'show me the way to armadillo' Turn the f*cker off!"
The next day dawns bright and sunny, hot in fact. Gabriel is a bit pissed off because the chocolate he was given by god has melted, and just staring at the gloopy mass on the plate is making the saliva pour from his mouth.
Completely fed up, he picks up his trombone, and starts playing. No sound! Strange. On closer inspection, someone has covered the mouthpiece with latex.
He notices a strange smell after taking the rubbery latex off, but the trombone still wont play. Why has god put gorgonzola in the trombone?
Because he's a cheesy faggot!! Guess the 10 words!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Monday, 3 September 2007
Trigger hasn't been in this weekend, which is odd, (bit like him really), so my blogging content regarding the pub is somewhat diminished. As a result, you get a rather funny joke sent from a friend of mine.
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an advert in the local paper that read:
Husband wanted: Must be in my age group (70's), must not beat me, must not play around & must still be good in bed!!!! All applicants, please apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, "You're not expecting me to cosider you, are you? Just look at you! No legs!
The old man smiled,"Therefore i can't play around!"
She replied, "You have no arms either!"
"So I can't beat you." he said.
She raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said,
I rang the doorbell, didn't I !?"
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, September 03, 2007
Saturday, 1 September 2007
I don't usually like back to back posts, as once people have read the original they rarely return. But Keith didn't tell me he was going to post here, although he has my full permission to. A good post it was too! So, this is to check my theory.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and presto, the blockage will be instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself whilst slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them whilst you chop away.
3. For those of you with high blood pressure,simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. Don't forget a timer!
4. Avoid arguements with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough!
7. Have toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up the chance to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up, congratulations: you get a second chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends: you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, September 01, 2007