My bloggie friend,Zed,came to visit today! We had a wonderful lunchtime natter about everything! The world is now corrected!
Zoe, thank-you for taking time out to visit, and I'm glad you enjoyed your lunch!
Here's to the next time!
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 29, 2013
AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN.
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH... PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, October 24, 2013
Best Caddy Responses:
Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .that would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . . . . An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 15, 2013
The Australian charm!
Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird. And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.
No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts. They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best.
I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy you've got dimples on ya thighs.
I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you’re as good as I was ever gonna get.
No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.
Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.
Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it . .
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 08, 2013
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company.-----------------------------------
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, October 01, 2013