Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.....ish!

This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was Star Wars.I'm not sure how it works , but it does! Try it without looking at the answers.

Don't peek!

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the two digits together.

3. Oliver.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather-clad gay boys.
10.Mary Poppins.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Pub news.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that despite my best efforts, the pub is soon to close and become an Indian restaurant! The pub is no longer financially viable and Di needs to move on.

She doesn't have a date yet, but I will keep you updated.

What will become of my blog, I don't know yet, but the jokes will continue! Thirty years using the same pub holds many happy memories!

On a lighter note, Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady locked herself out of the pub again! She also announced that when she moves back into her flat she is going to paint the dildo white!!

I think she means ......dado!

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, drinking beer etc. There was always something that seemed more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctor's say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp....

Friday, 10 September 2010

Pub news.

You have to appreciate that sometimes we all do something silly. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady has had her moments, (most days).

Today was a prime example. Picture the scene. It is nearly opening time, Di goes outside, and in the interest of security pulls the door to.

She is now locked out of her pub!!

Fortunately Nicky the barmaid was en-route with her keys.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."