Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Joke Tuesday.

Tom had been in Police for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Thursday, 22 November 2012


Welcome to the world, Isla-Rose Hilton! xxx

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

General drivel.

My youngest cousin gave birth to her second daughter today! Congratulations to Lorna-Jane and husband Glen, proud parents of Isla. I'm sure elder sister Faye will be excited!

I bought this bracelet today for Faye. It was hand made by the chef (Kerry) in the pub.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Joke Tuesday.

A old farm hand named Billy was overseeing his charges on a remote moorland farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at the peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in London." says the old timer. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep

. Now give me back my dog."

Thursday, 15 November 2012

General drivel.

I've just been going through my old posts looking for a picture.(I didn't find it). It hadn't occured to me how long I've known you all. SEVEN YEARS!!! It's been , and will continue to be , a pleasure!

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Joke Tuesday.

Discreet Irishman.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks: Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.

Tell him to drop dead, says Murphy's wife. I'll go and tell him, says Gallagher.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Pub news.

I've just been given the list of beers being sold in the pub over the festive period.

They all come from BabyBottles

First will be the brewery, second the name, then the strength.

Oakham, Tinsel Time, 4.2% (Only available from BB.)

Salopian, Deck the Halls, 4.5%.

Naylors, Santa Express, 5.0%.

Naylors, Mistletoe 5.0%.


Oakham, Frozen Stiff, 4.8%.

Wadworth, Christmas Corker, 4.1%.

Saltaire, Winter Ale, 4.9%.

Hop Back, Red Ember, 4.6%.

Hop Back, Pickled Santa, 6.0%.

Wychwood, Bah Humbug, 4.8%.

Phoenix, Christmas Kiss, 4.5%.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Garden news.

We've had a new visitor to the garden.

A Nuthatch!

We also had a Jay pop in but it flew off before I could get my camera!

This brings the total number of different birds actually in the garden over the last forty years to fifty seven.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Joke Tuesday.

You are driving down the road in a 2 seater car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.?

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Wow, I just love happy endings!

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Garden news.

BADGERS! We have Badgers! The bastards are digging up my lawn, digging holes in the flower beds and crapping in them.

To whom do I apply for a license to cull them? I don't want my beautiful garden destroyed, after Dads hard work!

One of my mates has a rather large calibre rifle with silencer. He's only a phone call away!!