Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

This is a free public service announcement.

How to clean a toilet...

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

The Dog

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed theR!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...


Saturday, 20 March 2010

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has eclipsed Charlie (the mum to be) barmaid!

You may remember from last week that Charlie brushed her teeth with Di's facial scrub. Well, today, Di washed her face with her toothpaste!

Never mind the book, what about a movie?

And a title!

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but although she was a very good-looking woman she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad' in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked together and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You deserve a break, why not go into town and kick up your heels.."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her and whispered...

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each item gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"Now take off my thong" He licked his lips nervously as he did what he was asked and dropped the thong to the floor.

Then she looked him straight in the eye and said.....

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Pub news.

The soaker lovely Di was playing poker with me on Facebook last night, when she suddenly vanished mid-game. Today I found out why.

As she was losing playing she was applying her glue-on nails.

She got her hand stuck to the mouse and had to get her son to prise her hand free!

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Thanks to Zoe

A group of 40 years old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there are very attractive and sexy.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Pub news.

I think working in the pub,and spending a lot of time with our lovely soaker landlady is affecting Charlie (the bar mum-to-be maid).

She arrived at work early to help Di with the line cleaning. Before starting,as she had bought a change of clothes, she decided to wash and brush her teeth. Having fogotten her toothpaste,she decided to borrow some of Di's. She stated brushing away merrily,then realised the taste was awful.

It was Di's tube of facial soap!

I'm glad it's not affected me!

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Pub news.

Straight from the horses mouth, so to speak.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady stayed at her mates house the other night. They obviously got pissed and when Di came down the next morning, fell down the last few stairs,then complained that she couldn't see because her glasses were filthy, her friend pointed out that she was wearing her husbands glasses!

Should I write a book?

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Two 90 year old Irishmen, Shamus & Murphy, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Shamus is dying, Murphy visits him every day. One day Murphy says, 'Shamus, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'

Shamus looks up at Murphy from his deathbed,' Murphy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Shamus passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Murphy is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Murphy, Murphy.'

'Who is it? asks Murphy sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'it's me, Shamus.'

'You're not Shamus. Shamus just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Shamus,' insists the voice.'

'Shamus! Where are you?'

'In Heaven', replies Shamus. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Murphy.

The good news,' Shamus says,' is that there's football in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends from Killarney who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Murphy. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

Monday, 1 March 2010

Pub news.

I have been told that Mutley the dog is planning a visit.

I know how well versed Mutley is from reading his blog, but wonder wether his owner will be driving him here,or is he truly a wonder dog?

We shall see. Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady will feed him treats, and his owner!