Tuesday 25 February 2014

Joke Tuesday.

Some of you will get this, some wont!

My golfing friends:

I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and in order to market the publication. I'm asking friends and to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my many years of experience

.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 4) When to Give the Greenkeeper the Finger.

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee.

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

and not forgetting...

Chapter 10) How to help your opponent find his ball when you are standing on it.

The book also includes some useful GOLF TERMINOLOGY.

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.

A Muldoon - very very nasty little 5 footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A Cuban - needs one more revolution.

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim.

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand.

A Kate Moss - bit thin.

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.

An elephant's arse - high and shitty.

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good.

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out! Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise......

Tuesday 18 February 2014

Joke Tuesday.

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, David Cameron, George Osborne, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & Harriet Harman, Ed Miliband. ( in no particular order )

Amen.

Tuesday 11 February 2014

Joke Tuesday.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

Tuesday 4 February 2014

Joke Tuesday.

OATMEAL FOR BREAKFAST.

A TOUGH OLD CATTLEMAN FROM ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!