Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Pub news # 3.

It's been a sort of deja-vu day. It was like the Merrie Monk, but in different surroundings!

Di, the old soaker landlady came over to see me. Also in the pub were half of the old locals!

Di has not lost her ability to create mayhem out of normal life.

Just before Christmas she went shopping with her mate Julia. They shared a trolley, which Di was pushing round. They got separated,(as women do) and when Julia found Di she was pushing someone elses trolley!!

She is coming over again on Friday, so goodness knows what will have happened by then!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied...

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel, doesn't that feel better'?

He replied: 'Oh yes, it feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Monday, 27 December 2010

Pub news # 2

Boxing Day 2010. Whilst eating my delicious tempura battered prawns, the loose front tooth I have had for years fell out!

As there is no pain, I might leave it be. It makes me look quite rugged!

My parents led me to believe in Santa when I was a kid. Where's the bloody tooth fairy, the bitch?!!

I know this is a time of austerity, but come on! Give a cripple a quid for his tooth! It wont bankrupt an already bankrupt nation.

On second thoughts, make it £1.50, it'll buy me a half in the pub!!

Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas and a Good New Year to all from me, Keith. (You know, the person who really runs this blog).

Well that's the pleasantries over with, now over to my second-in-command, John. [Did you know he double-crossed me today? All together now, "SHAME!"

Pub news # 1.

Right, let's get the seasons greetings crap out of the way!



MERRY CHRISTMAS!



Three of my mates came to the pub at lunchtime for a couple of pints, so I treated them to a platter of tempura battered king prawns on a bed of salad with three dips of sweet chilli,cream cheese and garlic mayonnaise.

This went down so well that we had some more! All for £12.00!



Bah, humbug!

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Joke Tuesday.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Thursday, 16 December 2010

New pub news.

I've used The Hollybush for 30 years. It is now my lunchtime haunt. A more welcoming landlord you couldn't wish for. I'm settled in and there are old friends I haven't seen for years. The memories are still there, and good they are!



But it isn't the Merrie Monk!

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Joke Tuesday.

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist', and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Tragedy!

Pub news. (The last post)

The day I didn't want to happen has arrived.



THE PUB IS SHUT!



I'm unsure what to do next. I might leave this blog open and create a new blog. What say you?

I'm gutted!

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Garden pics.

This is what the mild winter that our inept Met Office told us to expect looks like!


View from the back garden.Temp...-10C!

View from front garden. Temp....-10C!

This, according to the BBC, is 'global warming'!

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Joke Tuesday.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."


Thanks K.B.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Pub news.

As you now know, the pub is closing soon.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady took a phone call the other day from somebody who wanted to come round and check there were no rats in the out-buildings that are due for demolition.


"Ok",she agreed.

"The only thing i've seen here in three and a half years is a mouse,and the cat bought that in",she said as she showed them around.

Upon reaching the back of the kitchen the lady inspector is looking up at a hole in the roof. "What are you looking for?", asks Di. "Droppings", replies the lady. "It could be a nest site."

"They are rare and protected you know", said the inspector. "Rare and protected?", said Di. "I thought they were vermin!", "Oh,no", said the lady.

After no traces of rats were found (they didn't check the bar)they gave the place the ok.

After this story had been told to the Sunday night mob, it dawned on Di what they were actually looking for!


















BATS!!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job
experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share
my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit.


This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is
this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped
to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up
a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it, however, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate..

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt
as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Thanks K.B. xx

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Zxxx

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Pub News.

This is a world exclusive!

Aren't you excited now?

I have known Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady for nearly 4 years and have never seen her in a dress. Last Saturday was one of the ex- barmaids 30th birthday party, and I bribed asked one of the lads for a photo.

Di

Doesn't she look lovely?

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My Grandmother is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Am I glad I did that? What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

While I was sitting there I found that lots of people love Jesus!

The guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Then, everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage passenger in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good
luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car right down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2
complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
job Bcuz of my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore
anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May McBiggins


PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.




Congratulations, you start on Monday, we have spellchecker.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

There is a softer side to me!

My youngest cousin and her husband arrived yesterday with their first sprog child

Now, I freely admit to a form of child phobia (especially in pubs)

Lorna-Jane,Faye-Nicole and Glen.

Dad, Faye-Nicole and me.

Isn't she lovely?

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Garden news.

I mentioned the other day about the beautiful colours this autumn. This is a Japanese flowering Cherry in my front garden. It has featured before, but still excels!

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Joke Tuesday.

There was an elderly couple that went to a burger restaurant. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fries, one large drink, and an extra large soda.

When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.

She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

Monday, 1 November 2010

Garden news.

The Autumn this year has produced a riot of colour, rather like British Columbia in the fall. Hopefully I will get some photos tomorrow and will post them here on Wednesday.

Friday, 29 October 2010

General Drivel.

I am furious! It's not often I get really annoyed, but some thieving reptile in Brazil has hacked into my Facebook account and stolen $10,000,000 of chips from my poker account!

Now, I know they are free,but they are saleable.

I now know there is a chance of Facebook re-imbursing me, so all passwords have been changed, but not before I bought some more chips, which last night the bastard had again!!

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.


After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,



I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.



Mrs. Harrington

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Pub news.

Things have been somewhat subdued in here of late since Di our ever so lovely soaker landlady announced she was moving on

However she still excels herself! Today was a prime example. I rolled up at the usual time (opening), Dad bought the wheelchair in and I settled down. Di,bought my beer round for me, gave me a peck on the cheek, then went to move the vacuum cleaner out of the way.

"We don't want you tripping up and breaking your neck, do we", she said. "Again", I replied. "God, I can't believe I just said that".

I burst out laughing!

Last weekend Di and her boyfriend went watch a kick-boxing tournament. During the interval she went to the loo and walked into the gents, followed by some enormous bloke, in full view of the crowd! Uproar!

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.






I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading!!!

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience At the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Joke Tuesday.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favourite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Friday, 1 October 2010

Pub news.

It's been throwing it down all night ,last night and all day today! Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady got in the car today and got a wet bum!

"The bloody roof's leaking",she moaned. On closer inspection, she'd left the sun-roof open!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.....ish!

This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was Star Wars.I'm not sure how it works , but it does! Try it without looking at the answers.

Don't peek!

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the two digits together.












3. Oliver.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8.Grease.
9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather-clad gay boys.
10.Mary Poppins.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Pub news.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that despite my best efforts, the pub is soon to close and become an Indian restaurant! The pub is no longer financially viable and Di needs to move on.

She doesn't have a date yet, but I will keep you updated.

What will become of my blog, I don't know yet, but the jokes will continue! Thirty years using the same pub holds many happy memories!

On a lighter note, Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady locked herself out of the pub again! She also announced that when she moves back into her flat she is going to paint the dildo white!!

I think she means ......dado!

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, drinking beer etc. There was always something that seemed more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."




The doctor's say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp....

Friday, 10 September 2010

Pub news.

You have to appreciate that sometimes we all do something silly. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady has had her moments, (most days).

Today was a prime example. Picture the scene. It is nearly opening time, Di goes outside, and in the interest of security pulls the door to.





She is now locked out of her pub!!

Fortunately Nicky the barmaid was en-route with her keys.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Joke Tuesday.

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Martini.”The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “168.”The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…

So he goes back into the bar.The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini.”Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “100.”The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.The robot says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”The robot leans in real close and says,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

Sunday, 29 August 2010

General drivel.

Having returned from the pub, we find a mysterious note in the porch. It is an invite to a BBQ to celebrate a house warming from one of my old drinking buddies, who has just moved in almost opposite us!

I left the wheelchair at home and staggered over the road to find dozens of friends I hadn't seen for ages. As my Dad knows them all he had a good natter too. The food was superb and the company better!

I am happy!

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Pub news.

It started raining here yesterday at about 3pm. It is still raining now, 6.30pm as I type. The pub cellar is flooded, with empty barrels floating around because the dray-men wouldn't wade in to get them!

There is a pump in the cellar, but when the pub was done up they moved the switch nearer the pump. Reasonable, you may think, but no, now you have to wade through the water to get to the switch!....Brilliant!

The water shorted some circuits, so no fridges,coolers or kitchen working!

You have to feel sorry for our everso lovely soaker landlady!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he


realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak
English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree
and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further
and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a
bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'



Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding
someone else’s bicycle!

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Pub news.

When I sauntered hobbled in today, Di,our ever-so lovely soaker landlady was wandering around in a pair of pink wellies(plus other clothes).

I laughed,she hit me. "I'm doing the cellar", she moaned. "You look like Compo", I said. She hit me.

Sharon came in to start her shift behind the bar and after serving a few of us went out for a cigarette, where she saw Di,sans pink wellies.

"Oooh,Di,you know I have a willie fetish,noooo,I didn't mean that!"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.



'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed and asked, 'When did this happen?'









'Couple of minutes ago.'

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Pub news.

I sauntered hobbled in today. "Morning, Di", I said. "Hello", she replied."Are you ok?" I ask. "I'm knackered, I've been up since 6.00am seeing to 23 fishermen."

"Blimey,I know things are tough....but...."

"They booked in for breakfast you twat!"

"Oh,yes I forgot!"

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn ' t feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
' Happy Birthday! ' ,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday. '

I thought....

Well, that ' s marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn ' t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
' Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o ' clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ' You know,
It ' s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.. '
I said, ' Thanks, Jane,
that ' s the greatest thing
I ' ve heard all day.
Let ' s go ! '

We went to lunch.
But we didn ' t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ' You know,
It ' s such a beautiful day...
We don ' t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ? '

I responded,
' I guess not.
What do you have in mind ? '
She said,
' Let ' s drop by my apartment,
it ' s just around the corner. '

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don ' t mind,
I ' m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I ' ll be right back. '
' Ok. ' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ' Happy Birthday ' .


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Garden news.

This is my favourite climbing rose,"nightlife"

This is "Crinnum Powellii", a member of the lily family.

Crinnum Powellii

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I
hit the ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take your old mate Milton, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't
help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up,
takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.

"I don't remember."

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Joke Tuesday.

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Pub News.

Sadness at the Merrie Monk. Di our ever so lovely landlady's Father passed away last night. He was a real character and will be sorely missed.

R.I.P Ray!

Friday, 23 July 2010

Personal Drivel.

It's not often I post personal stuff on here, but last night at stupid o'clock I woke up to go for a pee.(Nice, I hear you think).In my bedroom I have a tallboy.

tallboy

This houses my stereo/cd player and serves as a steadying post when I reach for my crutch,except last night I missed it and fell on to it, ribs first! Agony followed. I think i've cracked one.

Now, i'm not looking for sympathy.

According to Derek and Clive(aka Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) sympathy is in the dictionary between "shit and syphilis".

I still hurt though!

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Joke Tuesday.

You don't even have to be a
mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help
but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom
had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer,
and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's
thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle from the house.

But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days
later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

Friday, 16 July 2010

General drivel.


This is where my Sister and her family have been holidaying for the last two weeks.

Can you guess where it is?

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Pub news.

deep-fat fryer

As you can see, we have a deep-fat fryer similar to the one used by Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady in HER kitchen.

Whilst firing up the fryers the other day she noticed a strange smell emanating from said fryer.

"I'll change the fat", she thought.

Once drained, she finds a knife with a molten plastic handle in there!

"I don't know how that got in there", she protested. It was pointed out that she is the only one that uses the kitchen!

The food is good though,HONESTLY!

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Joke Tuesday.

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well in that case you'd better stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Thanks to the lovely Zoe

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when
they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for
their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with
you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to
the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a
life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd
better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the
last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."

Sunday, 4 July 2010

General drivel.

Most of you who bother to read this drivel blog will be aware that Di, the soaker landlady of my local is a bit very prone to the odd mistake,but very few of you will know that my sister is just as good!

Mull

The beautiful island of Mull, in the Western isles of Scotland. Sis and family spent 13 hours driving (including a delayed ferry trip) to get there.

Upon arrival they went to let themselves in to the cottage, only to find that the keys didn't work! Hubby was all for breaking in when they realised it was the wrong cottage!

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Pub news.

I've been lax on the blogging front this week, mainly due to the fact that Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady hasn't done anything blonde/daft.

Until now!

Friday nights are one of the table skittle nights and Di makes a supper for the two teams, which they pay for.

However, it does help if you remember to put it in the oven and cook it!!

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Joke Tuesday.

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I sent this to you already??

Thanks to Mr. Farty

Friday, 25 June 2010

Garden news.

Pat recommended I post this picture of our Peony.



peony

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Pub news.

Our lovely pregnant barmaid, Charlie has hatched!

Welcome Maisy to the world. Congratulations to Charlie and Zach.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Some things never change.....
When top level guys look down, they see only sh-it;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only ass-holes...


General drivel.

My Sister came round with a very expensive camera and took a few photos around the garden. This is one of my favourites.

This blackbird has been with us for some years now, and demands currants at each visit.


Saturday, 19 June 2010

General drivel.

I have the dreaded hiccups. Apart from holding my breath for half an hour, any cures

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Pub news.



Di,our ever-so lovely soaker landlady was doing her usual shift the other evening when a couple came in to order some food and drinks. After taking the food order the gentleman ordered the drinks. He started with an orange juice. "Would you like that in a glass?", she asked.

Bucket perhaps?

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Joke/ truth Tuesday.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The M..P. was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen M.P.s lined up waiting for a free haircut.



And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Friday, 11 June 2010

Pub news.

This morning, Di, our everso lovely Soaker landlady went to the cash and carry with her friend/barmaid Nicky(Charlie is on maternity leave)to get some provisions.

Di decides to reverse the car around whilst Nicky bought the trolley round to unload.

One small snag. Di has climbed in the back seat!!

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Silly banker


A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

Thanks Mr. Farty!

Sunday, 6 June 2010

General drivel.

The last few days have given us temperatures in the mid to high 70s. The humidity started to build and last night ended with the obligatory thunderstorm.

The rain was torrential for an hour,but at least it cooled the temperature. The gardens needed the water too. As I type it is raining and the thunder rumbles on in the distance.

Friday, 4 June 2010

Garden news.

It's been a great year for most blooms after the freezing winter and cold spring!

More Azaleas in the front garden.



This a called a Dunwich Rose, lovely but lethal! You wouldn't get any burglars through a hedge of this!



Thursday, 3 June 2010

Garden news.

Front garden Azalea. Beautiful this year

Azalea

Azalea in the back garden.


Azalea

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Joke Tuesday.

SEVENTEEN LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was god and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
11. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
12. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
13. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
14. Procrastinate Now!
15. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
17. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Pub News


Last night (Saturday) there was a 60's 70's 80's Disco at the "Merrie Monk". Quite what it was in aid of I dont know, but here is a snippet of went on:



Di, (she's the blonde with the long dark hair and glasses) our ever-so lovely landlady, who is an inspiration to us all, is seen here dancing with Sharon and showing the younger generation how it should be done.

Today Sharon came into the pub wearing dark glasses, not because she was fearful of being recognised, but because I suspect she was feeling a tinsey-winsey bit under the weather; commonly known as a "hangover"! Whereas Di, our lovely landlady, was her usual cheerful, bouncy, full of life, self.

I will now return you to the studio and to John G for his comments. . .

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Pub News.

There's a 60's 70's and 80's disco in the pub tonight! Fancy dress optional. I have left my video camera there, so tomorrow could be interesting!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Pub news.

As you may have gathered over the last few years (if you read this rubbish!),this is not your average, run-of-the-mill pub! It is a madhouse, presided over by a mad soaker landlady.

Today was a prime example. Di had to send off some forms which required a photocopy of her passport. She came down and asked if she could use the copier without the computer (which is trashed). "Yes", I replied, "Put the passport face down on the glass,select one copy and press start". Easy. No. She put a piece of paper on the glass and the passport on the PAPER feed! Passport nearly enters copier! Doh!

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"What, no more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"


His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache…"

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife...

Cheers Roger!

Sunday, 16 May 2010

General stuff, the truth will out!

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in
the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Pub news.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady is scared to death of spiders.

So,whilst brushing her teeth, this crawled out of the plughole, all hell let loose!

The toothbrush went flying, she was screaming like a banshee. She called one of the lads up to get rid of it. He flushed it down the plughole.

The next day Di brushing her teeth, and, he appeared again! Toothbrush goes flying, she's screaming and the dog shit itself!

You cannot make this up!

Friday, 7 May 2010

General drivel (election).

So, after all the electioneering, pontificating and bullshit we are to have a hung parliament.

gallows

Does anyone know where I can get tickets? I can't wait to string the lying,cheating,thieving bastards up!

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Pub news.

I really don't know what to do with Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady.

I arrived at the usual time to find the soaker and her friend (who was helping behind the bar) soaking wet!

Di had pulled the top off the tap, after being told not to use it!

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Joke Tuesday.

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

Monday, 3 May 2010

Pub news.

Bank holidays are always difficult to predict as people return to work on the Tuesday. Today has been steady. Yesterday,however was manic!! All day was busy and the evening poker night attracted a good turnout. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady came second!

Unusual for her!

Friday, 30 April 2010

Pub news.

The food trade is going very well. Good food at a very reasonable price. A restaurant it isn't,nor does it pretend to be. Just serving what the customers enjoy! Just in time for the visit of my mate Mutleythedog who should be here with his owner/minder soon.

In other pub related news, Charlie, our now very round barmaid is due to hatch a baby girl in June. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady is doing a great job running this nuthouse AND cooking as well!

More soon.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Thanks to Mr.Farty

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Pub news.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady accidently got pissed again the other night.

"It wasn't my fault!", she protested. "Whose fault was it?", I enquired, somewhat bemused at this statement.

"They kept buying me wine", she replied. "But you didn't have to drink it all in one night", I replied. "No, but....er...it would have been rude not to".

As the evening wore on and the drink kept flowing, mother nature kicked in and a trip to the loo beckoned. Stephen, one of the locals was locked in conversation with Di. "I've got to have a Pee", he says. "Me too", says Di, "I'll come with you".

In the GENTS, Stephen is stood at the urinal, Di is sat in the cubicle still talking.

carthorse

"God, I sound like a carthorse having a piss", she blurts out. Stephen nearly wets himself!

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Garden news.

Japanese flowering cherry

It's three weeks late thanks to "global warming", but it never lets us down!

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Joke Tuesday.


It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position..........

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Spring has finally sprung!


magnolia

At last,we have colour!

Saturday, 17 April 2010

New image

As you have gathered our pub has had a facelift, so the old header has had to be revised. What do you think? Any constructive criticisms and ideas welcome.

The charming lass in the header is Charlie, our lovely barmaid, and of course John himself. Here is a larger picture for you to print off and frame.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday was Di's birthday. 21 again!


All together:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


By the way, it was also my ex-wife's *SPIT* birthday yesterday. I hope it was a good one. . . and she got everything I wished for her. . .

Of course the picture on the left isn't really my ex-wife *SPIT*. The lady in the picture is far, far prettier.

I haven't got a photograph of my ex now. Still I suppose I should be thankful for small mercies!

I did have one last year and I put it up in the garden to frighten the birds away from my seedlings, but the police confiscated it after numerous complaints from the neighbours; apparently it was frightening their children and turning the milk sour.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Pub news.

If you look at the picture on my blog header you will see the difference between then and the new decor and signs.

I think it looks a lot better! The food will hopefully start this weekend.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Joke Tuesday.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper!


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

Monday, 12 April 2010

Pub news.

The work is nearly done! Just the kitchen equipment to go in, then the food starts.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady is very excited! She has recieved a lot of enquiries about the menu already. Fingers crossed!

Photos on the way.

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Pub news.

Di,our everso lovely soakerlandlady went out with some of the locals to play poker at a club called "Dusk 'til Dawn". It's £30 to buy in ,so I went halves with her, hoping for a payback!

She is a crap poker player, and I'm a mug!!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Pub news.

The pub refurbishment is gathering steam. The kitchen has been knocked down and re-built. Waiting for the equipment to be fitted.

The painting has begun on the outside, new signs have started to go up and the new lighting is done.

Now all they have to do is refurbish the landlady!

Photos later.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that. ;

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung
over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that
Said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

Monday, 5 April 2010

Pub news.

I am thinking about turning my blog into an E-book. I need your feedback. Should I try it?

I went back to the begining of my blog last night (over 3 years ago!) and realised that my musings are not as good as they were. My school report would read, "must do better"!

Anyway, with the mad woman running the pub, which is undergoing considerable refurbishment, things look good!

More later

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Pub news.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse!

One of the locals took Di,our everso lovely soaker landlady to the post office in the nearest town.

When she came out the driver looked on disbelieving as she tried to get into the wrong van!

I have to get this book going!

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

This is a free public service announcement.




How to clean a toilet...


This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.






Sincerely,
The Dog

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Abbot says 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed theR!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...



'CELEBRATE!!!

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has eclipsed Charlie (the mum to be) barmaid!

You may remember from last week that Charlie brushed her teeth with Di's facial scrub. Well, today, Di washed her face with her toothpaste!

Never mind the book, what about a movie?

And a title!

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but although she was a very good-looking woman she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad' in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked together and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You deserve a break, why not go into town and kick up your heels.."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her and whispered...

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each item gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"Now take off my thong" He licked his lips nervously as he did what he was asked and dropped the thong to the floor.

Then she looked him straight in the eye and said.....





"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Pub news.

The soaker lovely Di was playing poker with me on Facebook last night, when she suddenly vanished mid-game. Today I found out why.

As she was losing playing she was applying her glue-on nails.

She got her hand stuck to the mouse and had to get her son to prise her hand free!

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Thanks to Zoe

A group of 40 years old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.


Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there are very attractive and sexy.


10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.


10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.


10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.


10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.