Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Martini.”The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “168.”The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…

So he goes back into the bar.The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini.”Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “100.”The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.The robot says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”The robot leans in real close and says,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

Sunday, 29 August 2010

General drivel.

Having returned from the pub, we find a mysterious note in the porch. It is an invite to a BBQ to celebrate a house warming from one of my old drinking buddies, who has just moved in almost opposite us!

I left the wheelchair at home and staggered over the road to find dozens of friends I hadn't seen for ages. As my Dad knows them all he had a good natter too. The food was superb and the company better!

I am happy!

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Pub news.

It started raining here yesterday at about 3pm. It is still raining now, 6.30pm as I type. The pub cellar is flooded, with empty barrels floating around because the dray-men wouldn't wade in to get them!

There is a pump in the cellar, but when the pub was done up they moved the switch nearer the pump. Reasonable, you may think, but no, now you have to wade through the water to get to the switch!....Brilliant!

The water shorted some circuits, so no fridges,coolers or kitchen working!

You have to feel sorry for our everso lovely soaker landlady!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further
and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding
someone else’s bicycle!

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Pub news.

When I sauntered hobbled in today, Di,our ever-so lovely soaker landlady was wandering around in a pair of pink wellies(plus other clothes).

I laughed,she hit me. "I'm doing the cellar", she moaned. "You look like Compo", I said. She hit me.

Sharon came in to start her shift behind the bar and after serving a few of us went out for a cigarette, where she saw Di,sans pink wellies.

"Oooh,Di,you know I have a willie fetish,noooo,I didn't mean that!"

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed and asked, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Pub news.

I sauntered hobbled in today. "Morning, Di", I said. "Hello", she replied."Are you ok?" I ask. "I'm knackered, I've been up since 6.00am seeing to 23 fishermen."

"Blimey,I know things are tough....but...."

"They booked in for breakfast you twat!"

"Oh,yes I forgot!"

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn ' t feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
' Happy Birthday! ' ,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday. '

I thought....

Well, that ' s marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn ' t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
' Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o ' clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ' You know,
It ' s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.. '
I said, ' Thanks, Jane,
that ' s the greatest thing
I ' ve heard all day.
Let ' s go ! '

We went to lunch.
But we didn ' t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ' You know,
It ' s such a beautiful day...
We don ' t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ? '

I responded,
' I guess not.
What do you have in mind ? '
She said,
' Let ' s drop by my apartment,
it ' s just around the corner. '

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don ' t mind,
I ' m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I ' ll be right back. '
' Ok. ' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ' Happy Birthday ' .

And I just sat there....

On the couch...


Thursday, 5 August 2010

Garden news.

This is my favourite climbing rose,"nightlife"

This is "Crinnum Powellii", a member of the lily family.

Crinnum Powellii

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Joke Tuesday.

Noddy is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 35
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I
hit the ball I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take your old mate Milton, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Noddy, "Milton's a hundred and three. He can't
"He may be a hundred and three", says Noddy's wife, "but his eyesight is
So the next day Noddy heads off to the golf course with Milton. He tees up,
takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Milton and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Milton. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Noddy.

"I don't remember."