Sunday, 30 October 2011

Joke Tuesday.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

Thanks KB.

Pub news. World record attempt!

I think we have achieved a world record!

Today was like A and E in the local hospital.

I shall run through the casualties.

Me, the original cripple, 1 crutch, 1 wheelchair. The Wing Commander, 2 crutches, broken ankle. The Poacher, 2 crutches, achilles tendon. Simon, 2 crutches, M.S.

So, we have 7 crutches and 1 wheelchair, all within a 14' by 8' space!

Oh, I forgot Rab.C Nesbit, with the bad arm!

Impressive or what?

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Joke Tuesday.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition,because we could end up with a dangling

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Pub news.

The mad Scotsman is continuing to torment me. His hand is still heavily bandaged, but he isn't looking for sympathy,as he knows none will be forthcoming!

I have decided to give him a nickname. From now on he shall be known as Rab.

Most of you will recognise this character from the 80's sitcom, Rab.C Nesbit. A hard drinking, heavy smoking Glaswegian reprobate.

Hello,Scotty! Welcome to your new moniker!

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Pub news.

I am pleased to announce that Scott, the mad Scotsman is out of hospital. The operation appears to have been a success. He has got a 3 month recovery schedule, by when, he should be able to use his left hand again. More torment for me! *sigh*.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Pub news.

Titch finishing her bowl of guiness!

On a more serious note, Titchs' owner, Scott, the mad Scotsman is going into hospital tomorrow for an operation to repair his hand.

I wish him well, at least i'll have a day off from him tormenting me!

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Pub news.

I arrived with my hop-along mate at 12-00 noon, as usual. I'd noticed a smallish coach in the car park as we pulled up, and remembered that Paul had a party of 20 booked in.

As we walked/hopped in the first thing we noticed was the noise! Twenty women on an Age Concern outing can make a formidable row.

They were soon fed and watered and left fully sated. Add them to the other dozen or so meals and it was a busy lunchtime.

The 2 for 1 offer certainly works!

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Medical Term

Irish Definition

The study of paintings

Back door to cafeteria

What doctors do when patients die

What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan
Searching for Kitty

Made eye contact with her

A sheep dog

A punctuation mark

To live long

Not a friend

Quicker than someone else

A small lie

Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane

A higher offer

Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days

I knew it

A person who has fainted

Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Nearly killed him

Hiding something

Roman Emperor

A small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

One plus one more

Opposite of you're out

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Pub News.

As you know, apart from my wheelchair, I use a crutch to get around. Last Tuesday I got a text from my mate(the beer-monster), who had broken his ankle, asking for a lift to the pub. He is on two crutches, I use one.

Then today, the pair of us were in the pub when the usual Thursday mob came in. One of the lads has M.S.,and uses two crutches, so, briefly there were more crutches than customers in the pub. The landlord said it was like a doctors waiting room!

The other locals who came in were kept busy passing us fresh pints! They are a great bunch!

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Joke Tuesday.

Paddy buys a chainsaw, which guarantees to cut down 40 trees an hour.

Paddy sets to work but only manages 4 trees in the hour. Paddy takes it back to the shop and tells the owner that it only cut 4 trees down in the hour.

With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks at him and says.......

"What the f*cks's that noise!"