Sunday, 29 September 2013
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the skippin'
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
Saturday, 21 September 2013
The beer festival started last night. Apparently the first band were brilliant, and, as the place was packed to the rafters they said it was the best attended gig they'd done!
Surprisingly, for a Saturday lunch the food trade was really good today,with 30 meals served.
Tonight there is a six-piece jazz band playing called Funk'd and I expect it will be packed again!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, September 21, 2013
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Subject: FW: Fw: Deaf Wife problem.
I have this same problem at home, Deaf Wife problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this!!)
'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Ed Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was headed to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. She could see this from their bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
Quickly, he phoned the police who asked, "Are they in your house?"
He said, "No! But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, right now. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay!"
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then, he phoned the police again. "Hello! I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them, because I just shot and killed them, both. The dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars, red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Subject: Fwd: That will teach the Yanks.
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative, I say again, divert your course.
US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITISH: We are a lighthouse - now f*** off!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, September 03, 2013