Pub News

Last night (Saturday) there was a 60's 70's 80's Disco at the "Merrie Monk". Quite what it was in aid of I dont know, but here is a snippet of went on:



Di, (she's the blonde with the long dark hair and glasses) our ever-so lovely landlady, who is an inspiration to us all, is seen here dancing with Sharon and showing the younger generation how it should be done.

Today Sharon came into the pub wearing dark glasses, not because she was fearful of being recognised, but because I suspect she was feeling a tinsey-winsey bit under the weather; commonly known as a "hangover"! Whereas Di, our lovely landlady, was her usual cheerful, bouncy, full of life, self.

I will now return you to the studio and to John G for his comments. . .

Pub News.

There's a 60's 70's and 80's disco in the pub tonight! Fancy dress optional. I have left my video camera there, so tomorrow could be interesting!

Joke Tuesday.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

Pub news.

As you may have gathered over the last few years (if you read this rubbish!),this is not your average, run-of-the-mill pub! It is a madhouse, presided over by a mad soaker landlady.

Today was a prime example. Di had to send off some forms which required a photocopy of her passport. She came down and asked if she could use the copier without the computer (which is trashed). "Yes", I replied, "Put the passport face down on the glass,select one copy and press start". Easy. No. She put a piece of paper on the glass and the passport on the PAPER feed! Passport nearly enters copier! Doh!

Joke Tuesday.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"What, no more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"


His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache…"

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife...

Cheers Roger!

General stuff, the truth will out!

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

Joke Tuesday.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in
the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd
both still be alive.

Pub news.

Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady is scared to death of spiders.

So,whilst brushing her teeth, this crawled out of the plughole, all hell let loose!

The toothbrush went flying, she was screaming like a banshee. She called one of the lads up to get rid of it. He flushed it down the plughole.

The next day Di brushing her teeth, and, he appeared again! Toothbrush goes flying, she's screaming and the dog shit itself!

You cannot make this up!

General drivel (election).

So, after all the electioneering, pontificating and bullshit we are to have a hung parliament.

Does anyone know where I can get tickets? I can't wait to string the lying,cheating,thieving bastards up!

Pub news.

I really don't know what to do with Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady.

I arrived at the usual time to find the soaker and her friend (who was helping behind the bar) soaking wet!

Di had pulled the top off the tap, after being told not to use it!

Joke Tuesday.

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'


Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

Pub news.

Bank holidays are always difficult to predict as people return to work on the Tuesday. Today has been steady. Yesterday,however was manic!! All day was busy and the evening poker night attracted a good turnout. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady came second!

Unusual for her!