It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
It's Hell to be Old
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Friday, 23 July 2010
It's not often I post personal stuff on here, but last night at stupid o'clock I woke up to go for a pee.(Nice, I hear you think).In my bedroom I have a tallboy.
This houses my stereo/cd player and serves as a steadying post when I reach for my crutch,except last night I missed it and fell on to it, ribs first! Agony followed. I think i've cracked one.
Now, i'm not looking for sympathy.
According to Derek and Clive(aka Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) sympathy is in the dictionary between "shit and syphilis".
I still hurt though!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
You don't even have to be a
mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help
but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom
had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer,
and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's
thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle from the house.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.
later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, 16 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
As you can see, we have a deep-fat fryer similar to the one used by Di, our everso lovely
soaker landlady in HER kitchen.
Whilst firing up the fryers the other day she noticed a strange smell emanating from said fryer.
"I'll change the fat", she thought.
Once drained, she finds a knife with a molten plastic handle in there!
"I don't know how that got in there", she protested. It was pointed out that she is the only one that uses the kitchen!
The food is good though,HONESTLY!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well in that case you'd better stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Thanks to the lovely Zoe
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when
they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for
their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with
you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to
the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a
life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd
better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the
last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Most of you who bother to read this
drivel blog will be aware that Di, the soaker landlady of my local is a bit very prone to the odd mistake,but very few of you will know that my sister is just as good!
The beautiful island of Mull, in the Western isles of Scotland. Sis and family spent 13 hours driving (including a delayed ferry trip) to get there.
Upon arrival they went to let themselves in to the cottage, only to find that the keys didn't work! Hubby was all for breaking in when they realised it was the wrong cottage!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, July 04, 2010
Saturday, 3 July 2010
I've been lax on the blogging front this week, mainly due to the fact that Di, our everso lovely
soaker landlady hasn't done anything blonde/daft.
Friday nights are one of the table skittle nights and Di makes a supper for the two teams, which they pay for.
However, it does help if you remember to put it in the oven and cook it!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, July 03, 2010