Pub news.

The last few weeks have seen a soaring trade in the food side of the business. I only see the lunchtime trade, but the evenings have been good too.

Now, as every restaurant/pub goer knows, there will,inevitably be the odd chip,pea,carrot or some other item of food dropped on the floor. Most people, at the end of the shift use on of these to clear up.

This is "Henry", a favourite in the trade!

Paul, the landlord has a cheaper, more effective alternative. This cleaner is an automatic version of "Henry", but needs less guidance and is 100% guaranteed to deliver the desired result.

Meet "Alphie"!!

Joke Tuesday # 11.

It all began with an iPhone...


July was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?





I celebrated my birthday in September, and my wife made me very happy when
she bought me an iPad.



My daughter's birthday was in November so I got her an iPod Touch.






My wife celebrated her birthday last week so I got her an iRon.





It was around then that the fight started......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network
with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

I should be out of the hospital by Monday

Joke Tuesday # 10.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."








Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were
monkeys from which the human race evolved."





The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Pub news and general drivel.

Angie, a lovely woman who does the cleaning plus other work in the pub was in with her grand-daughter. She bought a bag of crisps for her and tried opening them by compressing the pack until the top popped open. Except the bottom popped open all over her lap! We didn't laugh....much!

On a topical note, there was a letter in todays Daily Telegraph from a man who went into a shop for a valentines card. He found one with, "You are the only one for me" on the front.......it was a 3 pack!!!!!

Pub news.

Loros is a hospice in Leicester that provides cancer patients with valuable care. We, as a family have always supported them and contribute a monthly donation, so when my DVD racks became full, I deciced to have a clear-out.

I took the unwanted films to the pub and Paul the landlord agreed to sell them at £1 for a single DVD and £5 for a box set.

They sold that day, raising £34, which we rounded up to £50.

So thanks to the locals that bought the films, Loros will be grateful!

Joke Tuesday # 9.

A new store that sells husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited ...............

General drivel.

The following photos were taken this week in Schererville,Indiana,USA by my poker friend Bill.

Bills wife Val fooling around!

So you think we had snow this winter! Val clearing the path outside the front door!

Oh, and in case you are wondering why Bill isn't doing it, he's disabled, so the snow would be over his head!

This is were the road clearer piled the snow. View from Bills window.

It's currently about -21c over there!

Joke Tuesday.#8

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I can't recall, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object.. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!


Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.