Joke Tuesday.

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Smartass answers 2011

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2011

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Pub news.

A packed Sunday lunch. Every table taken!

I always have a lunch from here, which Kerry, the chef plates up for me. I take this home at 3'oclock when Dad picks me up.

Roast lamb,new potatoes,roast potatoes, dauphinoise potatoes, carrots, peas, cauliflower, leeks in cheese sauce with gravy and mint sauce, of course!

GORGEOUS!!

Birthday boy!

It's the big one!!

Does this make me old?

Pub news.

Busy, busy in here this lunchtime. Tonight will be packed. The local shoots' end of season meal. Sixty of them! There are also twenty booked into the back room.

Just as an extra bonus, I found this on one of my friends Facebook site.

Joke Tuesday.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Pub news.

Quiet-ish yesterday lunch, but, today, packed! Fifty-Four meals in two hours. People were waiting for tables. You don't know what's going to happen in this trade.

Come and visit if you're nearby, you won't regret it,(apart from meeting the 'Chairman', that is!)

General drivel.

I reported on December 22nd that, after much tightness frugality over Christmas, the freezer packed in. Well, today the fridge has come out in sympathy and it packed in last night! Another £150.00 gone!

Is it worth being tight frugal?

Oh, by the way, I've just recieved my new snazzy little camera, a Canon IXUS 230 hs. I can use this one myself!! I gave the big Nikon to my sister.

Joke Tuesday.

The Wit Of The Scots



An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.

So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I am that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that ye have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that ye have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that Ye have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

Upset blogger.

I lost a good friend today. Her ex-husband popped in to tell me of her passing.

Caroline was a great laugh, and the only person to be in every class at school with me, from 1973 to 1979. I will miss her, although over the last few years she didn't recognise anyone. MS is horrible! Forty nine is no age!

R.I.P MY FRIEND.

General drivel.

I am annoyed (and I bet i'm not the only one)!

I had an appointment at the doctors this afternoon at 4.30. Nothing serious, just a review of the pills I am taking to combat the Acid Reflux I suffer from. We duly arrived at 4.25, and took our seats. Bear in mind my Dad was with me. At 5.30 we walked out and made another appointment, with three people still in front of me!

My patience levels aren't good at the best of times, but there were two reasons for my ire. Firstly, Dad is making a lamb casserole for dinner, which he usually times to be ready at 6.00pm. This won't be ready until 7.30pm. Secondly, I have an important meeting with my financial adviser at 7.45. Right in the middle of dinner!!

Why can't doctors space their appoinment times out a bit more?

What say you?!

Joke Tuesday.

Pub news.

The 'Chairman' has excelled himself today. Pat, who has been absent for the last few days was in today.

The 'Chairman', "Pat, i'll bring you up to speed on what you've missed." Pat, "What's that then?"

"I've bought a new toilet seat! It's beech and really comfy. I can't wait to try it for real!"

Pat,"Have you missed your medication, or overdosed?

This place gets worse! But I like it!

Pub news.

As you know,Scot and his dog, Titch are regulars in the pub.

Titch gets very cold during the winter and shivers a lot. So, when he took her up to Scotland to see his family, he bought her this!

This coat comes with a fur-lined hood! She loves it!

Pub news.

Post Christmas trade is usually slow, but this year seems to have bucked the trend. Today started off quietly. Only a couple in for lunch, four of us drinking. Then the floodgates opened about 1pm. I think they must have done over 20 meals by 2pm, when they finish....and there are 45 in tonight for the shooting clubs' xmas dinner/p*ss-up!

Joke Tuesday.

DON'T GROAN



THE BELL RINGER




After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
Sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.


After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.


'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

( scroll down )













BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
Rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'









'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!'